Monsters and Critics columnist Liz Long recaps 90 Day Fiance: Season 8, Episode 1, I Think You’re My Future Wife, with a little help from a glass of pinot (or two) …
Hello, my 90-Day Lovers! We are back for a brand new season of 90 Day Fiancé (the O.G. version), and I’m here for it.
Our Season 8 premiere was fun and fresh, jolting us out of pillow talk-land and saving us from one too many bitter “strike-backs.”
So let’s not wait anymore. Get yourself a morning beer like Jovi, and let’s recap!
Brandon, Julia, & Brandon’s Overbearing Parents
So I think Brandon took a wrong-turn at the TLC studios and missed his opportunity to be on I Love a Mamma’s Boy. Yes, Brandon, our young farmer, not only looks like he’s 12, but his mom is still treating him as such.
Brandon still lives with his parents and is welcoming a Russian go-go dancer to the family farm.
We only saw Julia through facetime appearances, but she leaves a lasting impression. In fact, the first time that young Brandon saw Julia dancing, he messaged her saying, “I think you’re my future wife.”
Their roadblocks so far? Mommy Betty and Daddy Ron, but Betty takes the cake. While she does Brandon’s laundry, she casually asks him whether Julia is on birth control.
Brandon answers that they will never use any — no way, no how — but that he’s not worried about Julia getting pregnant.
Technicalities aside, Betty can’t wait to pack up and drive two hours to pick up Julia from the airport. And what’s a little road trip without a call to Betty’s gyno to plan Julia’s future birth control options.
Meanwhile, Brandon, our little country mouse, seriously sits in the back seat and … wait for it …. plays on his tablet.
Jovi & the Annoyed Yara
Jovi is a fun new face, our New Orleans frat boy with lips possibly larger than his Ukrainian fiance’s. He is a typical NOLA boy who likes drinking a beer before heading off for some hunting and fishing on the bayou.
Brandon is surrounded by naysayers, including his mom Gwen and pals Sara and Kline.
While new dad Kline sports a baby on his hip reminiscent of Vince Vaughn in Old School, he echoed Sara’s warning to Brandon that he can no longer hang out at the strip clubs.
Now I think Kline is just a smidge jealous of Brandon, who is still living his glory days while welcoming a stunning blonde to the U.S., but that’s just me.
Yara is gorgeous. She is a girlie girl who likes the finer things in life and demands that Jovi shows up at the airport with flowers. She’s an Anfisa throwback, and when she appears at the airport, so does her attitude. (Okay, so maybe Kline is winning now).
To be fair, I probably wouldn’t have been a peach either after a 30-hour flight. And, no, I wouldn’t want to hit up Bourbon Street the same night either. But lord girl. Maybe just a little smile or hug for your boy who has been anxiously awaiting your arrival?
Oh, and did I mention also buying a new apartment for you?
And yes, I did recognize that new apartment as the Gotham Apartments from our most recent Married at First Sight, New Orleans installment! I know that silver backsplash and basic furniture any day.
They must have offered a Groupon for reality shows.
Rebecca & Zied
So I didn’t watch Before the 90 Days, Season 3, but Rebecca and Zied are returning from it.
What I learned about Rebecca and Zied tonight is that Rebecca is a little more than 20 years Zied’s senior, and Zied has eyeballs that freak me the heck out.
Like, seriously … does the man blink??!
I was trying to figure out who he reminded me of as I watched his Rico Suave demeanor over his facetime with Rebecca, and suddenly, it hit me: he is totally the yoga instructor from Couple’s Retreat!
So, yeah. That’s Zied. Oh, and Zied also has a raging hot jealousy streak that has no tolerance for Rebecca in sexy clothes or Rebecca in a bathrobe, for that matter.
You see, Rebecca is currently living with her daughter and daughter’s boyfriend, Micah. They are not ready to relive Rebecca’s fourth marriage (the last of which was to a Moroccan man who was only in it for a green card).
To add fuel to the fire, Rebecca tells them Zied wants her to find her own place because it’s not right for Micah to see her walking around in a bathrobe.
Micah’s eloquent response to Zied’s cultural differences?: “He’s gotta get over that.”
Um, Micah … have you not seen any of these 90-day shows? Particularly ones involving Middle Eastern men? Yeah, it’s not something they are just going to “get over.”
But best of luck to you guys! Hey, while we’re at it, can we also fly in Zied’s sister Wiem? I quite liked her snarky smiles.
Rebecca: “Good to see you, Wiem!”
Wiem: “Okay, goodbye.”
Big Mike, Natalie & Uncle Beau
Another returning couple to Season 8 is Mike and Natalie, who hail from 90 Day Fiancé Season 7.
Their relationship already has proven to be, oh what’s the word … TOXIC?
And though Big Mike seems to be completely deflated with a been there, done that attitude, he is still entertaining the idea of his Ukrainian, Natalie, coming to the United States in less than two days!
Mike claims they conflict because of religion (oh, and veganism), but I think Mike is just drawing straws to find any excuse for Natalie not to come over.
He seems to know what drama is about to ensue and is content with his days on the farm with just him, Uncle Beau (the ranch-hand), and Aria (the cat).
Oh yeah, curly-hair Natalie also hasn’t told Mike she loves him. This is similar to our beloved Alla from Season 4. But unlike docile Alla, Natalie is a firecracker that Mike doesn’t want to ignite.
So what say you 90 Day Lovers? Did you enjoy our four couples tonight? We have three more new couples coming our way!
We also see that our little Baby Boy Brandon isn’t as innocent as he looks as he skinny dips with Julia in his parent’s hot tub while they sleep.
I have yet to confirm whether Mommy Betty will bring out a folded pair of undies for him to swim in or whether she’ll berate Julia, but it should be fun to watch.
Cheers to a new season, friends.
90 Day Fiancé, Season 8 airs Sundays, 8/7c, on TLC.