American Horror Story recap: Moral of the story? Never trust a baby vampire

Ryan Kiera Armstrong stars as Alma in FX's American Horror Story: Double Feature
Ryan Kiera Armstrong stars as Alma in American Horror Story: Double Feature. Pic credit: FX

The latest episode of American Horror Story: Double Feature will see “the Gardners write their final act,” according to the synopsis.

So, let’s see how that works out for all of them.

Council meetings are savage

If you think you can change your shingles from white to not quite white in Provincetown, think again. This elected council is savage when it comes to anyone who wants to be different in this town.

However, things get truly interesting when Trooper Jan Remy (Dot-Marie Jones) turns up and announces that there will be an investigation into the murder of Cheif Burleson (Adina Porter), whose body has just turned up in the water.

She immediately gets blocked by the entire council, who decide that it was probably just an accident and then chalk it up to begin a “wintertime problem.”

So, yeah, they know about the goings-on in Provincetown and are happy to cover it all up.

Trooper Remy is determined to get to the bottom of it all, though.

Frances Conroy as Belle Noir and Evan Peters as Austin Somers, as seen in Episode 1 of FX's American Horror Story: Double Feature
Frances Conroy as Belle Noir and Evan Peters as Austin Somers, as seen in Episode 1 of American Horror Story: Double Feature. Pic credit: FX

Emergency meeting with the vampires is called

Holden (Denis O’Hare) immediately calls an emergency meeting with Belle (Frances Conroy), Austin (Evan Peters), and The Chemist (Angelina Ross) who immediately blame the “Hollywood people.”

In response, Holden threatens to pull all of the zoning codes down upon them, and now they have a major problem they have to deal with. But, killing the Gardners has been on their to-do list for some time now so it’s time to bump it to the top.

Those Hollywood people are done — according to Harry

Now that Harry (Finn Wittrock) has managed to spit out what Ursula (Leslie Grossman) referred to as his Moby Dick, he decides it’s time to stop. Like, for good, not just the summer.

As to be expected, it’s a hard no from Alma (Ryan Kiera Armstrong). She’s always been much more driven than the rest of them, anyway. So, she’s not going down without a fight.

Ursula is not too keen on giving up just yet, either, and points out that they’ve all sold their souls so there’s no going back now.

Harry is all unicorns and rainbows about it, though, and thinks that you really can come back from killing people for your own gain.

Alma suddenly does a complete turnaround and agrees with her father. Harry, who is still on the unicorn train, believes her but, seriously, this is exactly how it went down with Alma’s mom, so I don’t think Harry will get to see all the way to the end of this episode of American Horror Story.

Belle takes a hostage

While Harry is out buying all of the herbal remedies to help them down of the blood high, Ursula is left home alone to look after the baby.

This means it is super easy for Belle to break in and steal Baby Gardner while she’s busy on the phone and leave a threatening message in the crib.

It looks like a meeting at sundown is on the agenda now.

Ursula has a plan

Harry works out pretty quickly that to go to Belle’s with Alma will mean certain death. Alma, herself, is all like, “Cool, bring it on,” because this little bad b***h could probably take them all out without even trying.

Ursula, on the other hand, has a plan.

She takes a bunch of “new formula” black pills out to the cemetery and offers them to all of the cricky-boned vampires, liking them to Lawrence Fishburne, who bummed out on the role in Pulp Fiction but then went on to head The Matrix.

It looks like she’s about to make a vampire army to fight against Belle and Austin.

Belle monologues — and she should know better

Harry and Alma go to see Belle and Austin. Baby Gardner is there, wrapped up and ready to become dinner.

Harry drags things out by begging for his son’s life and it works a treat. Belle immediately starts monologuing about how much she hates Hollywood.

The cricky-boned vampires bust through the windows in the nick of time but not before The Chemist takes off with the baby.

Harry and Alma hide under the table and watch as Belle and Austin finally get their comeuppance and become food for the lesser vampires.

Surprise! The Chemist was in on it

Just as the vampire ghouls remember that Harry and Alma are in the room, Ursula comes in, guns blazing, and kills them all.

The Chemist returns, too, since she was apparently in on the plan to off Belle and Austin.

Harry is still on about Plan No More Blood but Alma declares that this is not an option and kills her father.

And, before you get all sad that Alma offed her daddy, come on, like we all didn’t know this was the path she was going to take — even back to the first episode when she was counting roadkill. Even without the black pills, I am betting she would have resorted to murder at some point.

The Chemist and Ursula then discuss their plan to take over Hollywood.

Hollywood: Three months later

There is a spate of police officers going rogue and randomly killing their victims. However, one look at their bald heads and it is apparent that Ursula, Alma, and The Chemist have settled into Hollywood just nicely.

Turns out that was all The Chemist’s plan. She’s weeding out all the racist douche cops from the LAPD.

Alma’s not overly impressed because she thinks there will be a way to trace it all back to them. However, The Chemist is still funded by high-level people and the secret is safe with them.

Then, Alma has a snack on a hustler that Ursula brought back for her and goes off to audition. it comes down to a choice between Alma and another guy and they’re stupid enough to put the two of them in a room together.

Rory (Benjamin Papac) is quick to point out some harsh truths as to why he will get hired over Alma. She responds by eating him.

Ursula develops a quick-fire method to find talent

While Alma is eating the competition, Ursula is prompting the attendees to a screenwriter wannabe lecture to take the little black pill.

It’s like The Matrix meets Oprah when Ursula announces that there is a pill under each of their seats.

Everyone has heard of her, too. So, there’s no surprise that they all pop the pill.

It also comes as no surprise that this results in a blood-frenzied riot out in the streets as the vast majority of these people turn into the cricky-boned variety of vampires.

The Chemist doesn’t care, though. She’s got baby Gardner in the backseat of her car and is ready to move on to a new place and — hopefully — create a pill that will make the two of them live forever.

This concludes the first half of American Horror Story: Double Feature.

While there are still four episodes left, these will be dedicated to the second installment, which will focus on a new story involving aliens.

American Horror Story airs Wednesdays at 10/9c on FX.

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