Monsters and Critics columnist Liz Long recaps The Bachelor, Season 25, Episode 9, Fantasy Suites, with a little help from a glass of pinot (or two) …
Hello Bachelor Nation. We (begrudgingly) checked in to watch The Bachelor tonight, for what we thought was going to be fantasy suite week, but what we got–or at least within the first ten minutes or so–was an Oprah episode.
Yes, my friends, Matt’s dad–who Matt has often indicated was an absent father–showed up in the flesh tonight. And I felt like I just stepped into some therapy session I didn’t belong in.
For the record, fantasy suites DID happen tonight. All three in fact. Michelle was the “lucky one” who got that first slot, Bri second, and much to her dismay–Rachael third.
Matt’s dad shows up for some healing time on national TV … OMG
Okay, so somehow, ABC producers finagled Matt’s “absent father” into coming on national television to have a heart-to-heart conversation with Matt about why he was never there for Matt’s childhood.
By the way, this is apparently the first time this conversation has ever happened, and “lucky” for all of us … we got to witness it.
I felt uncomfortable. How about you guys? I mean, Matt jumped straight away into “part of my journey is coming to terms with how you were never there for me growing up and how I don’t want to do that to MY family.” (In so many words.)
Initially, Matt’s dad was on the defensive, telling Matt, “I went through the same thing! I didn’t have a dad growing up either.” I’m thinking Matt never really knew this or something(?) because it seemed like a revelation to him. Apparently, Matt’s dad only dropped in to toss Matt a pair of sneakers and the occasional pizza.
But Matt pressed on, telling pops, you’re not here to “celebrate” my journey … if we wanted to do that, we’d be at Chuck-ee-Cheese.
Okay. Can we just stop right there? Is Matt 12? Or even 5? Because not even my 9-year-old daughter likes going to Chuck-ee-Cheese at this point.
Moving on. Matt really did melt my icy little heart when he said through his tears, “I didn’t want sneakers. I didn’t want pizza. I wanted a dad.” Matt’s dad sees the light and they hug it out.
Aaaaaaaand scene. I’m ready for the cringy fantasy suite dates, ABC. Can we get some of those up in here now?
Matt has fantasy suite nights with Michelle and Bri – Rachael freaks out
So cutie patootie little Michelle gets to relax on her day date with a “spa” but this spa has oatmeal and milk baths, and so she comes out of it smelling like a cinnamon cookie. Not my kind of “spa day” but it sure as heck beats poor Bri’s, where she gets to pitch a tent with Matt in the middle of the woods … in the daylight … to lay down for an hour or two.
We had the usual “I love yous” from Bri and Michelle, and the usual “thank you for sharing that” from Matt.
Both women seemed to enjoy their “intimate” “uninterrupted” time with Matt, while Rachael is the only one “freaking out” about him sleeping with two women who aren’t her in the span of two hours.
Rachael brings her sleepy sad-sack energy to her pottery date with Matt, breaking all Bachelor Nation laws, rules, and regulations when she grumpily walks up to him without an enthusiastic run/jump hug in sight!
Matt doesn’t care because, as we know, he “loves” Rachael too and isn’t afraid to say it. Once he basically tells her that “yes, I do, in fact, do the same ‘things’ with all the women but only think about you when I’m with you” to ease her mind, she is able to relax and they make beautiful pottery together.
She also shares an amazing night with him, and I’m thinking Matt must be some sort of Rico Suave in the fantasy suite because all women seem like they want to stay there now more than ever.
No one is wanting to leave on their own accord, and so they all line up in their best long gowns for those final two roses.
Matt sends home Bri
Well, someone had to go home, and, tonight, it was Bri.
As a consolation prize, Bri, you looked just about as gorgeous as you have ever looked on this episode all night long. Seriously, what is your skincare routine? Who does you hair? Where do you shop?
Bri sits down with Matt for their final goodbye–which is nothing but cordial–and Matt is left with his final two.
Only, we all know what happens (at least 99.9 percent of us do), and so this whole thing feels rather pointless.
Next week, the ladies meet Matt’s mom and Matt has more meltdowns. No offense, but is this season over yet? I know the ladies of the season are exhausted and all, but so is this little recapper, as well as the rest. But for those of you still reading, I guess you’re a glutton for punishment just like me. So with that, I’ll say, see you next week.
We’re almost through.
The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC.