Monsters and Critics columnist Liz Long recaps Bachelor in Paradise, Season 7, Episode 7, Week 4, Part 2, with a little help from a glass of pinot (or two) …
Hello again, my loves! Update: Brendan’s IG is still plummeting, Pieper’s is still a slow burn, and while we are all hip to the gross antics of Brendan and Pieper, the rest of the Island is a little slow to pounce …
But don’t worry – they will get ’em next week!
Yes, while ABC teased us with previews of an uprising, making us think an uprising would be about kicking Pieper and Brendan off the Island… instead, it ended up being about two people we REALLY don’t care about…
What’s his name again? The one Jessenia was after… Chris. And the girl who kind of resembles Jordanna from Siesta Key… yeah, I still don’t know her name.
Pour one out for our homie Jessenia y’all.. it’s clear where these alliances lie. Let’s recap.
BIP borrows from Love Island!
So tonight, ABC introduced us to a ‘twist’ in BIP-land, where SOME of the Islanders were chosen to attend a “VIP party” while the not-so-cool kids had to stay back and wait to see how their new love interests screw things up.
You see, new host Tituss Burgess introduced a host of new temptresses at this party – the only one making any real waves being Alana hooking up with Chris right in front of Jessenia’s face. In case you don’t know who Alana is, she was apparently on Matt’s season (but I still don’t remember her!)
(And here’s a Chris refresher if you need one of those as well.)
Now, the only real reason this is even worth mentioning is that Jessenia is involved… and, well, because Becca Kufrin was at this party as well, likely wondering how the hell she ended up here, competing with people who showed their face but for a fleeting moment on The Bachelor – but that’s our current state of affairs.
Chris’s makeout sesh with Alana must have been pretty spectacular because he ends his day-old relationship with Jessenia, who cries outside in her yellow bodycon dress.
I’m just left wondering how this no-namer has two women (including Jessenia!) fighting over him?
Alana somehow makes it over to the “official” side of the island, goes on an “official” date with Chris, and we collectively officially don’t care.
While Alana and Chris have their date (let them have their moment, guys), the rest of the group conclude Chris is here for – say it with me now – the “wrong reasons” and AGAIN, little Lizzie is over here yelling at her TV: “BUT BRENDAN!!”
Joe leads the charge!
What’s more, Grocery Store Joe decides he’s gonna lead the charge in exiling Chris (and casualty Alana) off the Island!
Joe, the man who was all “I don’t really wanna comment on Natasha feeling a certain way about Brendan being there for the wrong reasons…”
Joe, the “old man” who is still trying to find purity in this damn show…
Joe, the man who STILL looks like he has been put through the Survivor ringer and back, and we love him for it.
Nonetheless, Joe found himself a new set of kahunas (presumably because the battle was against rookie no-names), and outta Mexico these two go.
Chris decides his Bachelor moment has come to an end, and Alana is devastated realizing her Paradise dreams have quickly resorted to leaving Mexico with THIS guy or staying where nobody wants her.
Say, Joe? You think you can find this same energy for Pieper and James!?
I mean, did you SEE them just lurking in the background, barely able to make eye contact?!
They know they are guilty of the crime of Being Here for the Wrong Reasons in the FIRST DEGREE?!
I see you, Brendan! Don’t THINK I don’t!
And I know my girl Natasha sees it too.
Natasha wonders if everyone’s blind!
Meanwhile, our girl Natasha, who is a better person than most of us, is scratchin’ her pretty little head, bewildered at the fact that nobody is having the same reaction to Brendan and Pieper.
But don’t you worry Natasha girl. Justice WILL be served. We already see it on their Instagram accounts in real life… and you will soon see the justice in Mexico too, my dear.
Next week, the uprising lands where it needs to. Pieper and Brendan will have to answer to a jury of their peers. And I, for one, cannot wait. Can you?
‘Til next week my loves.
Bachelor in Paradise airs Monday nights at 8/7c on ABC.