90 Day Fiance Before the 90 Days recap: We meet Delusional David and Darcey does affirmations

David, who was introduced this episode
David was introduced this episode on 90 Day Fiance: Before the 90 Days. Pic credit: TLC

This season of 90 Day Fiance started a bit slow, but I think it’s finally hitting its stride.

Tonight’s episode brought us the introduction of David, the last American of the season, plus way too much Lisa and Darcey’s iconic BFF.

First, Lisa and Usman wake up in the hotel. Lisa says that there’s a big cultural difference between Nigerian and American sex and that she had to show him what oral sex is. TMI TMI TMI.

Usman, however, thought that her lovemaking was “70% good. And that’s enough. 70% is good for me.” Lisa and Usman both need to learn the word “oversharing.”

At breakfast with Usman’s roommates, everyone discusses Usman’s mom. Lisa claims that Usman’s mom thinks that Lisa wants to take Usman to America to be a slave.

Usman doesn’t give a straight answer about whether he would marry Lisa without his mother’s blessing, and Lisa storms off. She is so, so angry that a guy she met yesterday doesn’t want to marry her.

Later, Lisa and Usman go to Usman’s home in Kaduna. When Lisa sees his house, a 1-bedroom without a shower that he shares with Usman 2 and Giant, she says, “Usman’s home does not feel like a celebrity’s home to me at all.”

It’s almost like Usman isn’t actually a celebrity.

Geoffrey and Varya get over their awkwardness, Rose fake sleeps

Over in Russia, Geoffrey continues to be a butthead, complaining that Varya didn’t sleep with him the first day they ever met. Perhaps Lisa would’ve been a better match for him.

Geoffrey and Varya go out and seem to be having a better/less awkward time on their second day together. Varya agrees to stay the night with Geoffrey in the hotel.

Apparently, every single viewer screaming at the television didn’t warn her that it was a bad decision.

The next morning, Varya reveals her crazy side by getting mad at Geoffrey for using a comb that his ex gave him. They head to Varya’s home, which is about as impressive as Usman’s.

Varya says she stopped remodeling her apartment when she met Geoffrey because she thought she’d move to America. I went from being totally pro-Varya last week to thinking that she’s insane.

Geoffrey sees a lot of red flags, and I am GOBSMACKED that Geoffrey is the only person who seems to have any sense in this episode.

The last American of the season

We finally meet the last American of the season, David.

David is a 60-year-old soon-to-be-retiree from Las Vegas. We see him browsing RVs and, inexplicably, riding a unicycle. His Ukrainian “girlfriend” Lana is 27.

David says he likes Ukrainians because of Boris and Natasha on Bullwinkle cartoons. Things get weirder by the second with David.

Lana doesn’t speak English, so David pays by the minute for translated chats. Lana says she won’t communicate in other ways because she’s too shy.

According to David, he’s spent over $100,000 on Lana during the seven years they’ve been talking.

Oh boy.

David goes out to eat with his friends Dave and Victoria, where it’s revealed that David tried to meet Lana three times, but she never showed.

Dave and Victoria are giving David great advice, and David steadfastly refuses to listen. “You don’t know this girl like I do,” he says.

“You know computer,” responds Victoria.

Why, why, why do the people on this show never listen to their friends?

“Be strong, b**ch,” says Darcey’s iconic BFF

Darcey has a girl’s day with Stacey and their friend Reina, who is amazing. They talk about the photos of Tom with another woman. Darcey hasn’t talked to Tom about it yet.

Reina says, “Tom and Darcey’s relationship is f**king crazy.”

She needs to advise everybody on this show.

Reina and Stacey are Darcey’s hype girls in this situation, and it’s incredible.

They get Darcey to say, “I’m going to empower myself, to show him my strength and self-love, and the worth that I have for me and my daughters.”

I don’t know what Darcey’s daughters have to do with this, and I don’t think they’ve ever met Tom, but right on, Darcey.

Reina concludes the conversation with “Be strong, B**ch. Be strong.” Maybe Reina could talk some sense into David.

A few other couples make an appearance, but there’s not much going on with them.

Stephanie prepares to leave for Australia, Avery and Ash finally meet and are pretty boring, and Ed gets annoyed that it’s hot in the Philippines.

Next week, we’ll revisit Yolanda and see Stephanie and Erika’s first meeting. It’s sure to be a good time.

90 Day Fiance: Before the 90 Days airs on Sundays at 8/7c on TLC 

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