My Big Fat Fabulous Life recap: Whitney hopes Jenzi will save the dance battle, but will she sink it?

Whitney and Buddy head out for a cat walk on My Big Fat Fabulous Life

So, how long has Whitney been preparing for this ridiculous dance battle against Jiya? Don’t answer that, because it’s felt considerably longer no matter where the truth lies.

This silly battle has definitely been in the planning stages long enough for Whitney to give herself a small heart attack, because you would think national security was at stake given how much energy she’s putting into whipping Jiya’s butt.

Not that all of that energy is going to bring about a positive result, mind you. Take Jenzi Russell, for example.

Jenzi talks to Whitney on My Big Fat Fabulous Life. Photo: TLC

Jenzi is a choreographer Whitney found on Instagram, and she’s apparently choreographed music videos and hung out with celebrities and blah blah blah.

While she undoubtedly has some skills, I don’t think professional dancers refer to moves as “push up the crotch” and “the bully”, or if they do they say it in French so it sounds less like MMA fighting.

Whether Whitney wants to admit it or not, Jenzi is pretty much cut from the same bitchy cloth as Jiya, which means she doesn’t appreciate good barbeque (sorry, I don’t think she is really so offended by hush puppies) and takes a perverse pleasure in referring to Whitney’s dancers as failed haircuts.

Needless to say, Jenzi’s brief visit to BGDC to help Whitney and her crew master some slick dance moves results in a bunch of angry women with hurt feelings and, I suspect, a lot of damage for Whitney to undo before the dance battle (finally, FINALLY) happens.

Even Mattie, who usually seems ready to throw down with anyone who crosses her path, seemed more defeated than angry. I mean, look at her skulk into class late. Poor Mattie.

Mattie slinks into class on My Big Fat Fabulous Life. Photo/TLC

The dance battle, though it sucked up waaay more time than it should have (I keep waiting for the Very Special Episode in which Whitney realizes she doesn’t have to pay attention to mean girls like Jiya, but dammit, it never comes), wasn’t the only drama on Whitney’s dance card this week.

She made Buddy go for a walk with her…and her cats. In a stroller. The cats, not Buddy, were in the stroller, though having him in there might actually have been only marginally less weird.

Whitney takes her cats for a walk on My Big Fat Fabulous Life

Oddly enough, the cats seemed to hate this, because they are cats.

Whitney, though, was over the moon and had to tell Buddy that this is her dream — to someday be out walking her cats in a stroller with a guy who isn’t him. I have no idea why Whitney is single, I really don’t.

Buddy apparently is very tolerant of this insulting cat walk, or he may just be feeling guilty for sucking so hard at working out.

Will is just about done with him, but he’ll give him a second chance…because he’s planned a Crossfit for charity Barbells for Boobs event for both Buddy and Whitney!

Gosh, what are the chances? I would almost think a producer came up with…no, let’s just pretend this actually happens when a trainer fires you for being chronically late and stubbornly lethargic.

But let’s not forget about Amanda. How could we? Sweet, adoring Amanda.

Amanda has coffee with a side of sadness on My Big Fat Fabulous Life. Pic: TLC

Whitney thinks her kiss with Amanda might have been her best ever, and she’s known Amanda since high school…so, of course she’s more than happy to send the girl packing.

It would be a long-distance relationship, but more than that Whitney just isn’t sure about this girl-girl thing, so that’s that. What?

Their coffee date is, I guess, the end of the road for Amitney or Whimanda or whatever it might have been, though Whitney does say intriguing things like “I would date you” and get handsy with her over the formica table top.

Despite the nonstop mixed messages, it seems Ashley was right (as she made a variety of grossed-out faces during their manicures) — Whitney wants a man. Sorry, Amanda.

And so, that was wrapped up quickly, unlike this dance battle. Which still hasn’t happened, by the way.

The good news is that, by recruiting her own version of Jiya in Jenzi (these names are killing me, really), Whitney may eventually get in touch with her own inner dance bitch.

When she does, I hope she tells Roy and Maney, her radio station slave masters, what they can do with their clever ideas.

My Big Fat Fabulous Life airs Tuesdays at 9/8c on TLC.

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