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What Happens at The Abbey premiere: Meet Kyle who isn’t a “meatstick” and Weho’s most popular glory hole Murray

There’s not much that doesn’t happen at The Abbey, if Murray’s behavior is any indication

What Happens at The Abbey on E! is like watching Vanderpump Rules, if Schwartz and Sandoval and Jax all actually hooked up with each other on camera.

We’re going to see it all on The Abbey. Picture Sur with the staff on ecstasy.

“It’s THE most iconic bar in Los Angeles,” says Chelsea, a management trainee, who introduces us to this sorta gay, celebrity-soaked nightclub.

VIP Host Lawrence describes the club as “the biggest social experiment you’ll ever see.”

“If you have a dream in LA, which everybody does, The Abbey is the place to make it come true,” Kyle-the-bartender says.

Apparently, a lot of the staff get work from being nice to the celebs they serve.

Most of these characters seems to have real jobs outside working at this bar. Very curious.

Kyle’s supposedly a top fitness model, but he says he works at the club to meet women.

I call BS on that. A top fitness model?

If you could afford to go to the club instead of work behind the bar, you would be doing that, dude.

Billy plays “Nick the Gardner” on Ellen, and he’s a bottle server at The Abbey.

“Picking up chicks at The Alley is super easy,” Billy says women never expect him to be straight.

“Getting grabbed and groped comes with the territory,” Billy says he’s more than a “meatstick.”

Billy and Kyle are roommates, but Daniel thinks they have something else going on, too

Billy and Kyle are roommates. Server Daniel thinks they “have something going on.”

Daniel is a cocky douchebag.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills alum Brandi Glanville is a guest at the club, and she flat-out gropes server Daniel.

Server Daniel comes off as a cocky jerk with nothing to brag about

“I actually believe in my heart that I’ll start the fanny pack up again, just like I started the man bun,” Daniel says.

He tells Brandi that his fanny pack blocks his bulge.

“He was hiding nothing by the way,” Brandi says.

Good to see she’s still working.

Kim-the-server is boy-crazy, and has been known to stalk her boyfriends. The guys all think she’s nuts.

They also think she’s a tramp.

Sounds like there’s about one degree of separation between the sex lives of everyone on this cast.

“Girls at The Abbey are pretty slutty girls,” Kyle says.

Elizabeth is a “gold star lesbian,” which means she’s never had sex with a man.

Elizabeth proclaims that she is a “gold star lesbian” and never wants to sleep with a man

Elizabeth has a thing for Kim even though Kim is straight.

“I used to have it on my bucket list, but I’ve heard it’s not that great,” Elizabeth says, when asked if she’d ever have sex with a man.

Marissa has a Long Island accent. She’s new to LA, and moved without telling her parents.

She’s looks 15.

“I totally lucked out getting a job at The Abbey,” Marissa says.

All the guys – and probably some of the girls – see her as fresh meat.

“I definitely want to be a VIP Host, because my biggest dream is meeting Kelly Ripa,” Marissa says

Brilliant. There’s a goal for you. Way to dream! Bahaha!

Kyle says Marissa is new, so she hadn’t been passed around The Abbey yet. Ew.

VIP Host Brandi is a bad-ass lesbian – she even intimidates Elizabeth.

She and Lawrence are besties, and they’re having a baby together.

Lawrence is willing to take one for the team to inseminate Brandi cheaply, but she’s not having it

They’re planning to use artificial insemination – but Lawrence is willing to take one for the team to save some money.

Brandi vetoes that. #Hilarious

Her girlfriend Chloe lives in San Francisco, but she’s moving down to LA.

“It’s the gay version of Three’s Company,” Brandi jokes.

Marissa asks Lawrence for a shot at bottle service.

They give her the table they’re putting Tori Spelling at that night. With absolutely no training, as far as I can see.

“Oh my God, Tori Spelling,” Marissa squeals. “I’ve read all her books.”

“I wouldn’t mention that,” Chelsea says.

Tori kisses literally all the staff on the way in the door.

Marissa is a hot mess from the first second.

She doesn’t have a bottle opener, and looks like a total amateur.

But that’s not her fault. She didn’t get trained.

“Oh dear God, she does not know how to open up a bottle of champagne. Have you never been to brunch?” Lawrence asks.

“I’m a huge fan of yours. I’ve read all of your books,” Marissa says, totally creeping Tori out.

Then she asks for a selfie. OMG. #Awkward

Marissa hits up Tori Spelling for a selfie while serving her at The Abbey

Chelsea sends her on break and puts Elizabeth on the table. Good call.

Marissa knows she’s in trouble, but she DGAF because it’s Tori Spelling.

I question her career longevity. Unless of course, she’s popular on the show and they are stuck with her for as long as it lasts.

Brandon, the club owner’s assistant, is housesitting David Cooley’s house, so of course, he has a party.

They have an ice luge. I remember those. LOL

Cory-the-bartender and VIP Host Murray are a couple. And they sorta look alike.

But they’re not happy.

“Murray makes me feel insecure a lot… cuz you’re flirty,” Cory says.

“I feel like I’m dating Weho’s most popular glory hole,” Cory says. #Ouch

They get into an argument at the party, and Cory walks away.

“Sober he’s the greatest boyfriend in the world,” Cory says.

Brandi tells Cory to take the high road.

Meanwhile, Murray is straddling some chick on the bar.

Random chick Tamar is mad that Lawrence won’t get her pregnant (I say “random” because she’s not a member of the cast and I couldn’t find her when trying to check the spelling of her name).

Random chick Tamar flips out because Lawrence won’t get her pregnant

He won’t make a baby with her because she’s straight. So that’s makes things complicated.

Everybody’s sitting there watching the drama.

“I’m pretty sure The Abbey is the only place in the world where a lesbian and straight woman are going to fight over who gets to be a gay man’s baby mama,” Billy says.

She is sobbing.

“You see all this craziness? That’s exactly why I’m having a baby with Brandi,” Lawrence says.

Everybody gets drunk. They’re professional partiers.

Chelsea catches Daniel flirting with her friend Ashlee, and warns her off.

But it doesn’t seem to work because Ashley makes plans with Daniel for later in the week.

Kim says Elizabeth is her best friend, and brings a date to the party.

Elizabeth would like to have a little Kim herself, which could makes things complicated.

They’re in the pool together, and next thing you know, they’re hooking up. Everybody notices. Including Kim’s date.

Elizabeth and Kim are hooking up in the pool while everybody watches, including Kim’s date

That’s some interesting water cooler gossip.

“Great, now Kim can be a slut with both men and women,” Kyle says.

“If you’re interested in this side of life, I’ll show it to you,” Elizabeth offers.

This show could go either way – I’m not sure about it yet. It’s so fast-moving that it’s hard to follow.

And all the boys look the same.

Things we’re left wondering

Was the goal to make a pansexual reality show? I mean, I think they nailed it. But I’m just curious as to whether that was intentional.

Why do all the straight guy seem slightly gay? Is that unique to Los Angeles? I’ve lived in some big cities and while there are certainly a lot of metrosexual guys, these guys are Vanderpump Toms.

Will the story line of this show settle down? Because if it whirls this fast every episode, I’m going to have to get off the ride. It made me a little dizzy trying to blog it.

What Happens at The Abbey airs Sundays at 10/9c on E!

Sandy Malone is a reality TV star, expert wedding planner, more

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