Louis C.K. — arguably the funniest man on the planet — unveiled his new Netflix program, 2017, today.
The special, C.K’s seventh, has been described as “gloriously gloomy” and a “startling, uncomfortable return to form“, and sees him take on everything from Abortion, ISIS and Magic Mike in his routine.
It is one of two specials which Netflix bought off C.K. as the streaming video platform continues to pump money into stand-up shows.
To coincide with its release, we compiled a list of the most drop-dead hilarious (or, as he’d say, “heee-laaaaa-rious) Louis C.K. quotes that we could recall.
So without further ado, let’s rejoice in the C.K. wit — and if you can think of any better ones add them in the comments below!
1. “Everything’s amazing and nobody’s happy!”
2. “Divorce is always good news. … No good marriage has ever ended in divorce.”
3. “The meal isn’t over when I’m full. The meal is over when I hate myself.”
4. “I read something in the paper that really confused me the other day. It said that 80 per cent of the people in New York are minorities…shouldn’t you not call them minorities when they get to be 80 per cent of the population? That’s a very white attitude, don’t you think? I mean, you could take a white guy to Africa and he’d be like ‘Look at all the minorities arond here! I’m the only majority.”
5. “People say ‘my phone sucks’. The s**ttiest cellphone in the world is a miracle. Your life sucks around the phone.”
6. “Whenever single people complain about anything, I really want them to shut the f**k up. First of all, if you’re single, your life has no consequence on the earth. ”
7. To Donald Rumsfeld on a radio show: “You are a lizard person.”
8. “Farts come out of your ass and they make a f*****g trumpet sound. That s**t smelling gas comes out of your ass and it makes a toot sound. What the f**k is not funny about that?”
9. To The Tonight Show host Jay Leno: “You’re the weirdest-looking person on the planet Earth. … If you weren’t famous and you robbed a bank, and the dude was describing you to a police sketch artist, he’d be like, ‘No, seriously, what did he look like?’ … I can’t believe I’m looking at you.”
10. “Suck a bag of dicks.”
2017 starts airing today, Tuesday April 4, on Netflix.