The Real Housewives of Potomac is getting less Potomac every week.
Robyn has moved to suburb of Baltimore, Ashley lives in a condo someplace in DC or Northern Virginia (there are zero condo high-rise buildings in Potomac), and new girl Monique lives in Vienna, Virginia. But she’s house-hunting in Potomac so that makes it okay, right?
Almost none of the scenes are shot in Potomac (probably because nobody in Potomac will let them film this garbage), and half the cast doesn’t live in Potomac.
They should have named this show “Real Housewives of the Greater Baltimore-Washington Area.” But that doesn’t sound as impressive, right?
Let’s talk about this week’s disaster of an episode.
I’m jumping ahead to the good part.
They’re having tea at The Willard Hotel in DC.
If you’re not familiar, it’s one of the more luxe historic hotels in the city.
Trust me, The Willard’s never seen anything like these women.
They’re in a roped off room so none of the real guests actually see this garbage going on.
How did they get the venue?
Ashley’s husband’s claim to fame is renovating The Willard a few years ago.
“This is not a house party. You can’t just invite everyone you meet to high tea at the Willard,” Karen says, when she finds out Charrisse invited new girl Monique to join them.
“Y’all know this is one of my favorite places in the world,” Gizelle says, as if she lunches at The Willard on the regular.
Bahaha! Bahahahahahahaha! OMG, I am dying here. She’s so full of s**t.
Shall we talk about the hats??? I mean, yes, you do see some hats at high teas, but not THESE hats.
Gizelle starts grilling new girl Monique Samuels, wife of retired Redskins player Chris Samuels, the minute she arrives.
Karen says Gizelle is the self-appointed hazer of the group.
“You don’t have a home?” Gizelle asks, when Monique says she doesn’t have a house in Potomac.
“I have four homes,” Monique replies.
“I feel like I just walked in to a dang-on bombing squad. POW POW POW POW,” Monique says.
And then, to impress them, she does a rap demo for them, at the Willard.
Yes, read that again.
She was holding a piece of the silver tea service in her hand like a microphone and rapping at high tea at The Willard.
This is supposed to be a peace summit for Charrisse and Gizelle, orchestrated by Karen, so of course it has to get a little ugly.
“Gizelle, I’m surprised they let her in the door. The Willard is a place for first ladies. Gizelle is a Monica,” Charrisse says.
Charrisse says Gizelle always has a comment about her relationship and she doesn’t even know her husband.
“Charrisse wanted me to meet her friends, but they seem more like frenemies,” Monique says. Boom!
Both ladies apologize to one another, but Charrisse says she needs a moment to get over things.
I wonder what historic landmark the RHOP will desecrate next week. Old Ebbitt Grill, perhaps?
We got to meet Gizelle’s man this week. She thinks he’s perfect.
“He’s got money in his pocket,” she says. That’s her biggest requirement.
“Hopefully Kevin will be the man who takes me out of this whole dating thing,” Gizelle says.
He may be a nice guy, but he comes off like a douche.
I mean, seriously, who orders a “Pill Cosby” after joking about taking a woman to bed. #NoClass
Poor Karen is going through empty nest syndrome.
Ravyn is very busy at college, and Karen’s spending a lot of time leaving messages in her voicemail.
She looks like a typical mom for about two hot seconds.
The girls get together for lunch at Ashley’s new restaurant venture, Oz, which is a complete disaster, and has begun affecting her marriage.
This show is the best advertising Oz will ever get. It’s not doing well – just check out the Yelp ratings and restaurant reviews. #Ouch
It seems Washingtonians aren’t into camel and emu burgers. #Yuck
Not only will Oz kill an appetite, it’s killing Ashley and Michael’s marriage.
“The restaurant is putting such a strain on us, it’s carried over into the bedroom,” Michael says.
“The restaurant is run according to the way Michael wants it, and he won’t let me make any changes,” Ashley says.
“You can’t keep building a business and spending money, and never making enough money to cover the money you’re spending. That’s not a good business strategy,” Michael says.
“If you have a baby, the business is going to suffer, because the business is a lot of hard work,” Michael says.
Ashley says her husband has become judgmental, and she wants babies NOW.
Something like a year after its original date, Katie Rost is finally doing her Casino Royale fundraiser for the Rost Foundation.
Charrisse was supposed to chair it til Katie relieved her of those duties. But she still wants Charrisse to recruit all her friends to attend.
“I think Katie is running with anew crowd,” Karen says.
“Katie lives in Katie world. No one else understands it but Katie,” Gizelle says.
“Her invitation was very much about her,” Robyn says, pointing to a casino invite with Katie’s pictures on it.
Yeah, that’s a little weird.
It’s going to be awkward with both Charrisse and Gizelle in attendance.
“People can dish it out, but they can’t take it,” Charrisse says.
Robyn is super uncomfortable stuck in the middle with Charrisse and Robyn. They’re her besties.
For a Washington charity event, the Casino Royale looks pretty lame. I remember the Juvenile Diabetes casino nights as being 100 times better. #JustSaying
“It’s a step away from being bare,” Charrisse is horrified.
“My initial impression of casino Royale…um… I think Katie did the best she could…” Karen snarks.
Monique and Chris Samuels are in attendance, invited by Charrisse.
Gizelle arrives in a god-awful cat suit. Oh, she totally has the body… but I just didn’t think it really did much for her. #FashionPolice
She thinks it’s fab.
And she still wants Charrisse to apologize to her. Bahaha!
Everybody is being snarky behind everybody else’s even the whole evening. #Typical
“I’m really surprised to hear Robyn talk about Gizelle behind her back. This could ruin their friendship,” Karen says.
You can totally see the hamsters running on the treadmill in her head. Such a pot stirrer.
Robyn goes over to Karen’s to hang out.
She asks Karen if this is how she always dresses at home.
Yes, she wears hats in her own house when it’s raining outside. WTF?
Karen wants to see Robyn’s new digs.
“I’m not really trying to talk about my new house that can probably fit in the basement of this house,” Robyn says.
“I know you are very very much ride or die with Gizelle,” Karen says, opening up the can of worms.
“Had she done that to me, I’d have been waiting for her at her home,” Robyn says, talking about how Gizelle outed Charrisse for having a fireman boyfriend on Watch What Happens Live last season.
“I can see both sides,” Karen says. How???
She’s thinking about having a get together to try to get the girls to move on (that’s the tea I already told you about).
“I think we should take the Karen Huger approach and have high tea and discuss it between ladies,” Karen says.
Charrisse meets up with Monique and Robyn for a workout.
“This is Jill, my assistant. She’s my everything,” Monique says.
Robyn says she’s never heard of paying an assistant to work out.
“This is the warmup – I’m tired already,” Charrisse says, struggling.
“I’m feeling a little inadequate here, but not as inadequate as Charrisse,” Robyn says.
“I hope this plan didn’t backfire – they might actually hate me after this,” Monique jokes.
Charrisse says she’s not going back to that gym, ever.
They bust out champagne and strawberries in the gym! WTF??? Seriously?
They post-mortem Katie’s Casino Royale, and they’re not complimentary.
“It was a nice starter event. I don’t know how many events she’s planned… I like to get you guys to one of mine,” Monique says.
She had the father of Go Go, Chuck Brown, and live animals at her last fundraiser.
She has four houses. She says every time they travel, her husband buys a house.
Monique brags a lot, and Robyn is turned off.
They’re going to sell the house in Vienna, and buy something in Potomac.
Probably so she can be on the show, not that it’s a requirement.
Karen outs Robyn, in front of everybody, for talking to her about Gizelle behind her back.
“This is you spilling some tea but you’re not spilling s**t,” Robyn says. She’s not happy.
“The grand dame is sticking her nose where it does not belong,” Gizelle agrees.
“Mind your business,” she says.
The new girl is not intimidated by this crew.
“You can give it to me however you want to give it you me. I’ll just give it back!” Monique warns.
This show, ladies and gentleman, should be called “Lifestyles of the Rich and Trashy.”
Things we’re left wondering
Why did Charrisse think this outfit was a good idea for her interview segments? #ICanSeeNipples
Who decided to show K-Y commercials during this show??? Bahaha!
Honestly, couldn’t they find anybody in Potomac who was interesting enough for this show? Everybody who actually lives in Potomac is cringing at this cast.
The Real Housewives of Potomac airs Sundays at 9/8 c on Bravo.