The Real Housewives of Potomac’s trip to Bermuda doesn’t look fun, although nobody’s throwing drinks in anybody else’s face.
So it’s a few steps up from the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and New York, at least.
Ashley’s working an old-fashioned flip phone, and it cracks the girls up. It’s the phone Michael gave her for the trip.
“Michael thinks if I have international, I’ll be on it all the time,” Ashley explains. “I’m a Millennial.”
Robyn calls out Karen for excluding Charrisse from the day’s plans.
It was supposed to be Charrisse’s day to plan activities for the girls, but Karen stole Monique and Gizelle and took them on a peace summit cruise aboard an America’s Cup sailboat.
“I did nothing wrong – my heart was in the right place,” Karen says.
“Ohhh, I missed my friends,” Gizelle says when she sees the other girls.
Charrisse has planned a sunset sail with a bunch of random guys. Robyn’s looking to find a date.
“Of all the guys on the boat, would you have chose that one?” Gizelle snarks, watching from the side.
“You shave your legs?” Robyn asks the guy. Yeah, he’s a weird one.
“This guy is not only not my type. He’s giving me the creeps,” Robyn says after the dude explains a booboo on his leg as a sex accident.
Ashley speculates that Karen’s behavior is due to problems with Ray. Um, check out your own marriage, girl.
Karen and Charrisse get into it on the boat.
“Charrisse lives for a good Karen fight. Believe!” Gizelle says. She loves it when people are mad at somebody other than her.
Karen and Charrisse basically have a whose penis is bigger argument. Why not just pull out bank balances?
“We plan a bonding experience, and instead, you opted to do something different,” Charrisse says.
Karen speculates that Charrisse’s marital problems are causing her problems.
“You need therapy,” Charrisse tells Karen.
Charrisse says at least she doesn’t pretend she was born into royalty.
“I don’t know Karen, I think I spent more on this boat than your net worth,” Charrisse says.
Again, with the penis size competition. These women are NOT ladies. #JustSayin
Nothing gets worked out, and they disembark more pissed off at each other than they were when the left the dock.
Charrisse and Karen entertain in their rooms, separately, when they return to the hotel.
“I do not speak cray-cray,” Monique says, but finds herself stuck alone with Karen anyway.
“You’re not going to cut my head off and piss down my neck and everything’s going to be okay,” Karen says.
This is the woman who claims to be the queen of etiquette? I think not.
Charrisse speculates that Karen bought her home in foreclosure, and therefore didn’t play full price.
Dear God, Charrisse! Why don’t you guys just whip them out and measure.
“We did have a genuine friendship, but as far as my part, I’m over it,” Karen tells a very uncomfortable Monique.
Hello Karen – Charrisse brought Monique into this group. Monique looks like she wants to escape.
The next day, the girls go watch a cricket tournament, and Charrisse celebrates her birthday by playing cougar.
“Is that a paddle they’re using?” Monique asks. The football wife is the only one trying to understand the game.
Gizelle thought cricket was a horse race. #CantMakeItUp
“If you didn’t grow up watching it, it’s hard to understand,” a local guys explains.
Gizelle meets a cute cricket player named Kyle, and says it might be a sign to get rid of Kevin.
“Look at Karen with her twins out like that,” Charrisse snarks to Ashley.
Yes, Karen shows too much cleavage for a woman her age. Yes, Karen, I said it. FOR A WOMAN YOUR AGE. At least one who claims to be the “grand dame of Potomac.”
But seriously, Charrisse. Women in glass houses… Charrisse has enough boob tape holding her together in EVERY interview that she truly has zero room to talk.
“I’m not gonna fight with Charrisse to be the alpha female – I AM the alpha female,” Karen says.
Where’s my ruler? Let’s get this over with.
Karen and Charrisse have a “pow wow” in Charrisse’s room.
Karen says she’s willing to bury the hatchet.
“We need to show a unified front, because these girls look to use for leadership…” Karen’s nuts.
Seriously, new girl Monique spends half her time looking like somebody dropped her off in hell. She’s definitely not taking any cues from any of these RHOP.
Robyn says Charrisse has her groove back. And Gizelle’s happy Charrisse hasn’t cried through the trip.
Ashley asks Monique about her rapping.
Monique explains why she got out of the music biz – she wasn’t going to sleep with anybody in the industry.
And she busts out a rap. And then everybody else gives it a shot. It’s actually pretty hilarious.
“My name is Charrisse, Cha Cha or Chanel. If you f*** with me, I’ll go to jail,” Charrisse rhymes. Alrighty then. Bahaha!
After the trip, Robyn goes back to see her therapist, and explains she didn’t actually do the homework to go on a date.
She says the trip to Bermuda opened her eyes to the fact she wants to save her relationship with her ex-husband Juan.
She tries to tell Juan about her therapy and homework, but it sorta gets stuck when she hits the part about how men were flirting with her in Bermuda. I enjoyed watching Juan squirm. He so deserves it.
And nothing is good in the Land of Oz when Ashley gets back.
Her crew goes to Michael’s office for a team meeting, and she finds out that her husband has reorganized the restaurants management and redefined her role in her absence.
“While you’ve been in Bermuda … you’ll see some things we’ve already done in preparation for this meeting. Things Pam jumped on while you were away,” Michael says.
“The goal here is to use this time to modify your role a little bit,” Michael says.
“To disrespect me so much that he undermines my authority – this was never a joint venture between us. This has always been about Michael, and what Michael wants,” Ashley is spitting fire.
He tells her the goal is to fix their relationship.
“It’s been a c***-blocker,” Ashley agrees, describing the restaurant as the root of all their marital problems.
She goes from being furious to joking about having sex on his desk, and everything is fine again? WTF?
I’m guessing her pre-nup wasn’t all that, and she’s realized she better straighten up and fly right, or start looking for a new sugar daddy.
Charrisse invites the girls over for a party to reveal her champagne room.
Seriously, somebody help this woman get a real life. This is freakin tragic.
I’m guessing she’s trying to spend as much of soon-to-be-ex Eddie’s money as fast as possible, before she has to readjust her spending.
The girls are chatting before Karen arrives, and Monique says she and Chris have closed on their new house in Potomac, but they’re gutting and renovating before they move in.
Gizelle drops a bombshell and tells everybody Karen has already moved out of Potomac.
“I’m licensed to say whatever the word on the street is,” Gizelle says. And tells everybody that Karen has moved into a rental home in Virginia.
“I think she’s trying to keep up with the Samuels and the Jordans, and she just realized her last name is Huger,” Gizelle says. Ouch!
Everybody’s confused because in Bermuda, Karen told them all she wasn’t sure where she was moving. But when she got back, she moved right into the new rental house in Great Falls, Virginia. #LiarLiarPantsOnFire
My husband, watching this with me, just said “don’t ever be the last one to show up when a bunch of women get together – that’s what I learned tonight.”
Straight up, when I make him watch shows like this, he calls them educational, or opposition research. But he’s right on target on that one. My cousins and I always say “be there – or be the one we talk about,” when we plan our girls’ nights out.
Finally, it’s time for the big reveal. Charrisse even has a ribbon cutting ceremony planned.
“It better be over the top,” Robyn says, when the get up to go see the Champagne Room.
Charrisse hasn’t even seen it yet. Fortunately, she’s pleased with the result.
Dumbest expenditure of $100,000 I’ve ever seen. Seriously.
Later, the girls turn on Karen for the details of her move.
“I was with my interior decorator – I moved!” Karen says, explaining her late arrival.
“I live in Great Falls now, remember?” she says, as if she’s actually told them that before. She hasn’t.
She’s renting with an option to buy.
“Monique just bought a $5 million home in Potomac,” Ashley has to stick it to Karen while Monique’s on the other side of the room.
“Well you’re not going to be the grand dame of Potomac anymore, dahling,” Ashley says. “I think it’s now being bestowed up Monique.” Some of the other girls agree.
Because that wasn’t at all awkward for Monique tonight when she had to appear on Watch What Happens Live with Karen Huger. But she handled it like a champ.
I think Monique brings a much-needed dose of real to this group of ladies.
Karen tells them her make-believe title is hers to pass on when she wants to – and the girls really set her off by telling her she’s been dethroned.
What the heck makes Ashley think she can dethrone Karen? She’s never ever even lived in Potomac. #JustSayin
And I don’t even like Karen. I just find Ashley to be a bit of a wanna-be/poser type. Just when I start to like her, she does something like this.
Monique calls her “messy” on WWHL – and that’s a pretty accurate assessment.
With that said, I think Monique would make a nice replacement, and be a whole better to look at on that throne than grand dame Karen with her bad wigs.
Next week, the fight continues, because Karen refuses to give up her imaginary title.
“For them to come at me like this, they can kiss my a**,” Karen says. All class.
Robyn tells Juan she’s seeing a shrink who wants her to date.
And Karen throws some weird-themed party that I totally couldn’t figure out, but was really glad I didn’t have to go to.
Things we’re left wondering
What is up with Karen’s move? Who moves literally overnight – while they’re out of town? And why is she being so shady about it?
What’s Charrisse’s end game here? She’s just spending money like it’s going out of style. But the divorce is moving forward. Does she have a plan? Because if Eddie’s currently unemployed, and she doesn’t have a killer pre-nup, and all their kids are out of the house, her divorce settlement may not end up being as sweet as she expects.
What made Ashley’s attitude change so quickly? She went from being all worked up about Michael interfering in the management of her failing restaurant to offering herself up on his desk in a matter of moments.
The Real Housewives of Potomac airs Sunday at 8/7c on Bravo.