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Marriage Boot Camp: Reality Stars, Aubrey O’Day Edition

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This season of WEtv’s “Marriage Boot Camp” is a LOT more interesting than the last one. And they don’t even have to be drinking to have drama like Season One. Wow, I’ve been officially sucked in and I don’t say that very often. I’m a picky bitch.

The first exercise of the day is really just a setup for the more important, second exercise when they’ll have to pretend one partner is on life support. But I’ll get to that.

Everybody had to write the things that bothered them about their partner on stickers and stick it to them.

“We want to hear everything you think is your partner’s fault in the relationship, big small, in-between,” Director Elizabeth Carroll explains how the exercise works.

The first couple up at bat was Aubrey and Travis, but before we talk about how ugly that scenario got, let’s talk about how she doesn’t look like the same Aubrey I adored on “Making the Band” and as a member of Danity Kane.

Honestly, Aubrey is the Heidi Montag of this season, complete with the totally plastic face. I googled it when I saw her and nope, I’m not crazy. If you can have it scooped, sculpted or reduced, she’s done it. And then had to have some of it fixed. There have been a lot of different faces on that woman in the past year.

After watching two episodes, I’m starting to believe the rumors that she can’t actually feel her face. Thank God she took the lip size back down – she looked like a “Real Housewife” for a while there (not a compliment, in case you were confused). I wonder how all the bad plastic surgery is playing into her issues and self-confidence. It’s really a shame. I mean, I’d kill to look like her – but the old her. She’s still beautiful for a plastic person, but for some reason, when she opens her mouth, she gets seriously ugly. Like a permanent Botox oops or something.

And Aubrey and Travis have big-ass problems.

“I didn’t think I’d have enough paper to write them down,” Travis says, and he’s not joking.

“They looked like walking billboards,” Reggie jokes.

“You don’t respect me,” Travis says to Aubrey.

“I’m not going to insincerely respect you,” Aubrey says. “I do not have the most respect for you, no.” Ouch! Why is he dating her?

It got ugly fast and the book camp directors shut it down.

“Here’s what happening – no progress is being made. So y’all go sit down,” Jim Carroll says.

Tami and Reggie’s didn’t go very well either, but he told us a lot about her.

“Your form of communication is cursing, rolling your eyes, saying little slick shit, so when you reach that level, I’m gonna shut up,” Reggie says.

She says he doesn’t answer her questions. She hates hearing “whatever” in response to a question. Her insecurity is causing problems.

“My experiences have made me feel a certain way when I’m in relationship,” Tami says. But she’s hilarious in interview afterwards. Sort of.

“I learned that I’m just a fucked-up individual who doesn’t know how to speak to anybody, I’m disrespectful, I’m insecure, and I might not potentially be a good mate,” Tami states the obvious while Reggie sits there with that “why am I here?” look on his face.

They had an argument earlier that morning because she’s pissed he said he didn’t want to marry her in the mock wedding after she’s said all along she won’t marry him. So she can dish it out, but can’t take it. Not a shock.

Lauren thinks The Situation lets people take advantage of him. That’s how he got indicted for tax fraud, supposedly. FYI – people in addiction recovery are supposed to OWN their mistakes, Lauren. You’re not helping him by giving him a free pass. Dude’s going to jail – let’s not let him think he had nothing to do with it.

“I’m giving you all of me to help you through these problems, to make you move on… it makes me feel like I’m not worthy of your trust when I’ve tried so hard to prove it to you…” Lauren whines.

Mike says it’s him that needs to be fixed and he’s working on it on a daily basis. Good answer. I just smell something off here and I want to know what it is.

Kendra and Hank are a mess. Nobody’s discussing the elephant in the room although they dance around the topic of his infidelity.

“We were both raised different ways… you have parents that have been together for 30-plus years, you’re like the golden child. You’re perfect… I believe the best times in life are not planned – you believe the opposite,” Kendra complains.

Elizabeth asks how he handled the tabloid rumors. He says they were hard. Kendra attacks.

“Now you’re not perfect anymore, you know what I’m saying, you’re not,” Kendra says. “Now you have to face that fact.” Apparently, Kendra is pretty hard on her husband who is anything but hard on her from what we’ve seen so far. I think she’s just really, really angry about the elephant. You know, the one in the infidelity suit in the middle of the room that nobody can talk about.

“I need your wall to come down… I am over-the top mooshy because I’m that much in love with you,” Hank says.

Kendra says she takes advantage of his love. Elizabeth says she hears two different kinds of issue and communication and they’re going to have to bridge them.

I don’t think anybody can fix anything until they deal with the tabloid infidelity rumors. The simple fact that Hank won’t discuss it with Kendra means there’s something there. She’s terrified of what it is. She may be mad when she hears the details, but she’s not going forward til she does.

Jordan feels taken advantage of by Jeff, but the truth is that they don’t really know each other. A long distance relationship that consists of spending 14 months together in five years (much of which was on reality television) does not a marriage make. If they don’t learn to communicate, they won’t last.

“Sometimes I feel like my negativity has pushed him away,” Jordan, but she can’t look at him when she’s talking. It’s really weird how disconnected they seem.

“The problem the two of you are having communicating your real feelings is bigger than the rest of the ones in the room. This one will kill a relationship,” Jim tells them.

“When I see you hurting (Jeff has to prompted), I want to take away the pain,” Jeff starts to cry. Apparently he’s a softy and a fan of boy bands (that’s funny).

“They have no connection in a deep way,” Elizabeth says of Jeff and Jordan after the exercise.

The campers all feel like they’ve been hit by trucks.

“Marriage Boot Camp is like a serious surprise party that you’re just not ready for,” Mike jokes. But then a few minutes later, Aubrey and Travis are in a screaming match and Mike and Hank have to take another door out of the villa to avoid them.

Tami and Reggie are sitting with them when the shit hits the fan, but Aubrey and Travis don’t seem to have any problem airing their differences with an audience.

“Aubrey’s best friend wants to be number one in her life,” Travis tells them. He feels like he has to compete. He thinks her bff is in love with her.

“This is the type of stuff I like. I don’t mind being in people’s business. I wanna know what’s going on… I need to know the story,” Tami says, loving every minute of it.

Apparently, Aubrey’s best girlfriend gives her foot massages. In bed. When Aubrey is naked.

“That’s a scenario,” Tami says. Bahahaha!

“She was giving me a foot rub,” Aubrey screams.

“I don’t lay naked and let my friends give me foot massages,” Tami says.

“Your best friend said he walked in on her staring at your vagina like this (he demonstrates gawking) while rubbing your feet,” Travis says.

“You looks stupid,” Aubrey says.

“You told me that story!” Travis isn’t going to take her bullshit on this one. Obviously, it’s a well-practiced fight. Apparently, he and the foot-rubbing, lady-liking bff are not on good terms.

“I did not. I was sleeping!!!” Aubrey defends herself. Oh well then, that’s totally different. It’s completely normal for your bestie to rub your feet while you’re naked if you’re asleep. Then it’s okay.

“Dysfunction at its finest,” Tami declares their relationship.

The first drill was a lead up in to the famous one-of-you-is-about-to-be-dead drill that they do on EVERY FREAKIN SEASON of “Marriage Boot Camp.” And yes, the reality stars all act surprised and some of them don’t want to do it.

Stop it – are you guys really so self-obsessed and unaware that you didn’t even check out the show before you signed that contract with ThinkFactory Media? I don’t believe it. You knew you were going to have to do something like this. We viewers knew it was coming. You just look stupid. Pull up the big girl panties, please!

“I just don’t think death is a joke,” Lauren says. She’s still really a mess about losing her brother and probably has no business being in a serious relationship with an addict. I think she’s slightly deluded and Mike’s still a disaster waiting to happen. So yes, this a real scenario except the odds are it will be Mike who overdosed and Lauren who has to make a decision about it.

“The drill’s not for her – it’s for Mike. He needs to better understand the devastating consequences of addiction,” Elizabeth explains.

“Mike needs to feel the pain of loss to understand what Lauren has already been through in her life,” Elizabeth says. Lauren gets into the hospital bed to do it. Then Mike walks in an acts like a brat too.

They all have to read their last words they said to the person they loved. Most of it’s pretty nasty from the morning drill.

“I’m not going to do this,” Mike says.

“If you can’t get into your heart, you’ll never be free,” Elizabeth encourages him.

He has to push the button to cut off her life support. It’s supposed to represent how they’re doing what’s best for their partner. I’m not sure he took any of it seriously.

Kendra and Hank probably got the most out of it, as a married couple with kids and the most to lose if being at boot camp doesn’t help them.

“It opened my eyes so much because that could happen any minute,” Kendra says.

Kendra and Hank agree neither wants to go first. I think most couples who are truly in love feel that way. But for them, it’s always going to come back to the unknown about the infidelity rumors.

“Don’t let me go with questions, Hank,” Kendra begs him.

Why did they come on the show to handle this? It’s painful to watch. They’re both suffering. But there’s no way Hank can think he’ll get through the entire boot camp without ever admitting what did actually happen.

Tami’s the next one to pitch a fit about the ICU exercise when she sees Reggie in the hospital bed.

“You know this is really hard for me because this happened with my mother and I don’t think I can really do this… it’s like you guys are making me go somewhere that I don’t want to go,” Tami says.

“Growing is hard and that’s exactly why you need to do this,” Elizabeth tells her.

Tami punches the button to turn off Reggie’s life support and stomps away. She goes back to talk with him (when the directors make her) with her arms folded across her chest. That sort of body language shows she’s not open to hearing what needs to be said.

Jeff has this weird smile on his face when sees Jordan. I don’t know how to interpret that. She’s supposed to be dying, bud. She’s the love of your life. What’s with the creepy smile?

He sounds insincere when he reads his last words to her – it’s like watching a robot.

“I should have put you first. And you should have always been first,” Jeff says to almost-dead Jordan, but it’s wooden. Then Jordan doesn’t know what to say in response to him and does a lot of giggling. What is wrong with these people?

“Both of you have a barrier where you go up to your logic and you try to protect yourself… you’ve gotta let those barriers down,” Jim tells them.

Everybody is snarky about Jeff and Jordan after the life support drill because nobody saw any emotion from either of them and everybody thinks it’s weird.

I think the whole crew should have gone straight to bed after that emotionally-draining experience, but instead, some of them stay up to fight.

Aubrey and Travis get into it again. About the bestie and the naked foot rub.

“You are dead ass wrong. You need to kiss my mother-fucking ass,” Aubrey tells him. This could be part of their communication problem.

Kendra and Hank play a game of pool alone together and have a deep talk where he busts her wide open for not knowing shit about his professional career. It was sad to watch.

He made a comment about being a football player, a reality star, and her assistant earlier in the day. If he sees himself in that role with her, it could explain a lot of things.

“You know nothing about my football career, do you?” Hank asks. He wants to know if she knows “anything positive” about what’s he’s done as an athlete. She’s blank.

If she doesn’t know what her husband is in the football record books for, he probably feels really unappreciated. I know every award and honor my husband got as a cop and he retired several years ago.

But none of that is going to matter next week, if the teasers were any indication. It looks like the whole tabloid rumor about Hank’s infidelity is going to explode during “Marriage Boot Camp” because the transgender person that Hank allegedly slept with has come forward with some proof… supposedly. I’ll be watching to find out. So will everybody else. This is going to get ugly fast. And snarky remarks from other campers probably won’t help. OMG.


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