Opinion Recaps Reviews Interviews Explainers
News

Recap: WEtv’s “Marriage Boot Camp: Reality Stars,” The Speidi Chronicles

Mariage Boot Camp

While I’m not a fan of violence in general, I was sorta fascinated as to how Natalie and Heidi’s battle would end up on WEtv’s “Marriage Boot Camp.” At the end of last week’s episode, Bad Girl Nat was storming through the house looking to beat up Barbie.

“Just don’t fuck with me… I’m going to beat your fucking ass,” Natalie yells.

Shockingly, Heidi stops hiding in a back room and comes out to face her down. And apologizes.

“I honestly wouldn’t have taken it if …” Heidi tells Natalie she never would have taken pictures of a shirtless Jacob if she knew how upset Nat would get. I call BULLSHIT.

We watched Heidi do that intentionally. She’s a malicious, childish little witch. Shows you what kind of tit-for-tat relationship she and her husband have.

The apology was crap but Natalie accepted it and everybody moved on. I think the men were especially glad to see their wives call a truce.

At breakfast, Spencer’s mom texted Heidi that his father was really excited about them having a baby within a year.

“We live in my mommy’s beach house and my mommy is not there… I would like to live there forever,” Spencer says his parents won’t be excited about having kids in that house and when they have babies, they’ll have to get their own place. Right now, they don’t pay a single penny of rent or anything else.

If you never make your kids grow up and fend for themselves, they won’t. Spencer is a prime example. He and Heidi are spoiled little brats.

The first drill of the episode is golf cart racing. Except the drivers are blindfolded and have to take instructions from their spouse. The winning couple gets a gourmet lunch and the losers have to serve them.

“I also kinda don’t mind losing cuz I don’t mind spitting in their food either,” Heidi says even before the drill begins. Lovely. Trashy little piece of work. Did she grow up in a trailer? Oh wait, I know people who grew up with nothing that have better manners and more class. Heidi, sadly, has no excuse.

Watching Syleena and Kiwane do the obstacle course driving game was like watching a demolition derby. Hilarious. They’re a hot mess and knock down half of the course.

“Your communication is ridiculous,” Syleena is yelling at Kiwane.

“I am petrified that Aviva’s driving… blindfolded,” Reid says before they start.

“We’re not going to serve anybody because we’re not going to lose” Reid is most concerned about having to serve people. Interesting.

Rachel and Tyson are freaky quiet and relaxed during the exercise. I think part of it was they both approached it like a “Survivor” challenge.

“They were so slow… that’s their relationship,” Spencer snarks.

“Tyson and I nailed this one,” Rachel brags, happy to have things peaceful when they hit the finish line.

“Slow and steady,” Tyson agrees as they finish the course. In some ways, these two are perfect for each other. But observing them, the boot camp directors don’t agree.

“No celebration. This is like partners as opposed to lovers… this is indicative of a deeper problem for them,” Elizabeth Carroll says.

“I’m not your servant, I’m not below you,” Heidi’s ranting even as they begin the course.

“It was very much reflective of their relationship,” Aviva says about Heidi and Spencer being a mess in the drill. They hit EVERYTHING and treated it like a joke.

“Heidi are you drunk right now?” Natalie asks.

“If this was a game of fun, they truly won,” Jacob comments. But he gets why they’re there and knows Speidi is being disrespectful to the process.

Natalie and Jacob start out rough on the course but then they stop and talk to each other about a plan to move forward.

“I am going to listen to Jacob… it’s going to hell for me,” Natalie says. He promises to take as many pics of her as she wants if they cooperate and win.

“I have a huge problem giving Jacob control,” Natalie admits.

At the end of the course, they smash into the pole holding up the finish line sign. But they got there.

“We’re gonna look for the couple who communicates the best,” Director Jim Carroll explains. Most of the campers thought the time-clock was measuring success, not their boot camp directors’ observations.

“I don’t understand. Natalie and Jacob didn’t even cross through the finish line. They just ran over the finish line. They didn’t even complete the task,” Aviva bitches. Does anybody else believe she spent a lot of childhood whining “it’s not fair” about everything? Waaah!

The winners by time were Syleena and Kiwane… but not really because Natalie and Jake communicated best.

“I said the couple that did the best would win… I did not define the best,” Elizabeth says.

“You are excellent at talking AT each other but you need to learn to talk TO each other,” Jim reminds them.

Heidi and Spencer lost. Her worst nightmare. Now she has to play service staff. As somebody who works in the hospitality industry, I found just about everything that came out of her mouth to be offensive. She wouldn’t even be a good diner hostess.

“Heidi and Spencer’s communication was non-existent,” Elizabeth says.

The rest of them go to have peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch while Heidi and Spencer are supposed to take gourmet meals out to Natalie and Jacob on the deck.

“Spencer and Heidi get to serve us today. I am so happy. And they are so mad,” Natalie laughs. Jacob lives up to his promise of taking sexy pictures of her because they won.

“See what happens when you listen to me. You get rewarded,” Jake teases.

Meanwhile, Speidi is up to no good, stopping to dump Hennessy and tequila over their lunches and serving it, telling them it’s a cold soup.

“What could you really expect from two kids,” Natalie says about how nasty they are serving lunch.

“Service was terrible. Heidi and Spencer have clearly never worked before,” Nat says. That’s so obvious.

When they never come back with their drinks, etc., and when Natalie and Jacob realize lunch is inedible, they go back inside. Natalie tosses her wine on Spencer and all hell breaks loose. Spencer is throwing drinks (and fruit?) back at Natalie.

“Jacob, Jacob, Jacob, handle this,” Natalie draws her husband into the fight she started.

Heidi is trying dry off Natalie while Spencer is threatening to throw organic milk on her. And then two seconds later, Spencer douses Natalie with water, totally destroying her hair.

She started it,” Spencer says when Heidi gives him shit.

“It doesn’t matter,” Heidi says. “You just ruined her hair that she spent three hours doing last night.”

“I definitely don’t think I have anything to apologize for,” Spencer says. My question is, does Spencer ever think he has to apologize for anything?

Natalie and Jacob go up to the bedroom where she has a much-deserved rant. “You think you’re better because you’re from the Hills. Fake ass people,” Natalie mutters.

“You guys were evolving, showing that you are maturing, then all of a sudden you took 10 steps back and I don’t understand what happened,” Reid says to Speidi. Nobody approves of their pranks. And yet nobody tried to stop them from destroying lunch. They all sat there and watched them do it and laughed. #TwoFaced

Jim and Elizabeth intervene before somebody decides to kill somebody else.

“Natalie and Spencer didn’t learn a darned thing,” Jim says.

The four of them sit down with the directors.

“WE didn’t think it was funny,” Natalie says.

Heidi says they would have done something differently if anybody had said anything. It’s such bullshit. She’s always making excuses and trying to blame the person she wronged.

“They are revising history to support their position. I don’t know if they’re consciously lying. Or if they really believe they didn’t start this,” Jim says.

Hey Jim – they’re both practiced liars. Just FYI.

“So I get your mocking,” Elizabeth says when Spencer attacks her. But that doesn’t stop his disrespectful tone.

“Stop trying to figure out who’s right and who’s wrong,” Elizabeth says as they agree to make up and let it go. Obviously, Natalie hasn’t looked at her hair yet or she’d still be pissed. It looks BAD. Really bad. Spencer is a jerk.

“Spencer is an agitator,” Jim says. He’s nicer than me.

But it’s time for the Shocktagon drill and everybody heads outside.

“Oh my God, what now?” Aviva gasps when she sees the cage.

“I’m ready for a Marriage Boot Camp Royal Rumble,” Spencer says. I hate him. He’s that kid in class that everybody wished would shut up so you could understand what the teacher was saying. #SorryNotSorry

“Verbal attacks are just as toxic,” Elizabeth says and explains the drill. They have to stand on metal plates through the drill, and talk to each other like they were their spouse. When somebody is mean, the person they’re impersonating gets shocked. But they don’t tell them that when it starts.

“I want you to remain in your circle. You are not to move from these spots,” Elizabeth says.

Natalie and Jacob are first and they’re supposed to fight like each other fights.

“What the hell is that?” Jacob yells after the first shock, jumping.

“Every time you imitate their dirty fighting, they will get shocked,” Elizabeth says.

“This is our version of shock therapy,” Jim announces.

“When we get to fighting, it’s low blows… we’re going at it,” Nat says.

“You’re going at it,” Jacob says, implying she’s the one who argues all the time.

“I’m learning that certain things I’m saying to Jacob aren’t right,” Natalie says after a bunch of volts are shot up through her feet. Guess it got her attention.

Tyson and Rachel get shocked a lot… him for her imitating him ignoring her. Although it was funny to watch, it had to hurt.

Syleena and Kiwane take it seriously.

“Getting shocked don’t feel good,” Kiwane says.

Aviva and Reid get shocked a lot and all of it is about her reality television career. Suddenly, Reid pulls out a fake leg and throws it at her. Swear to God – classic moment. Aviva pretty much flips. But seriously, how better to show that bitch how she fights then to throw down the exact thing she did on national television. The truth hurts, Aviva, doesn’t it?

“It was low, it wasn’t funny,” Aviva can throw body parts, but she can’t take them. Bahaha!

Spencer and Heidi are all jokey at first. Spencer tries hopping to avoid the multiple shocks. Afterwards, she’s pissed and it gets ugly.

“I don’t want a baby just because Kristin Cavallari has one so stop saying that,” Heidi orders. “I don’t like being mocked.”

OMG what a hypocrite! What do you think you were doing to Rachel in that wedding gown a few nights ago? Another one who can’t take it, but dishes it out. I have yet to find a redeeming quality about this plastic woman.

“Please don’t talk to me for the rest of the night,” Heidi tells Spencer. Then, “I want an apology.”

Spencer jokes that maybe they’ll make him apologize in evaluations, but he doesn’t say he’s sorry.

Evaluations are interesting because Jim and Elizabeth start out by explaining acceptable “Rules of Engagement” for arguing with your spouse:

1. Same team – remember you’re in this together.
2 One play – stick to one issue to fight about at a time.
3. Stay in the game – don’t walk away, stay and finish the conflict.
4. LUV – Listen, Understand and Validate what your mates has to say, even if you don’t agree.
5. Personal fouls – no low blows, no complaining somebody “always” or “never” does that.
6. Take a time out – when things get ugly, take a break. Then get back in the game.
7. Win-win – both of you have to be happy for the matter to be resolved. You must compromise.
8. Spike the ball and celebrate – reward yourselves for having settled the argument.

Then they evaluate the campers’ performances in the golf cart and Shocktagon drills.

Kiwane is opening up. That’s good.

Spencer is mocking Heidi. That’s bad.

“You have some very deep rooted issues that you avoid by turning everything into a game,” Elizabeth tells them.

Natalie’s lack of respect for her husband is the biggest issue in their relationship.

Aviva and Reid were the most interesting. Elizabeth brings up the leg.

“I made an inappropriate joke… and I don’t want to talk about it anymore,” Reid says. #PussyWhipped

I personally was THRILLED to see Aviva get back a little bit of what she gives out. Funny thing was, they don’t understand why they didn’t win the golf cart drill. Gee, Aviva, maybe because you two are like robots together. It’s creepy.

Rachel and Tyson get a lecture for not communicating enough during the golf cart drill.

“It’s always task plus connection. Connection’s got to be a high priority, especially if you’re going to get married,” Elizabeth tells them.

After evals, Speidi picks up the right where they left off – fighting.

“I don’t want a baby, babies cry…” Spencer is bitching in the living room to part of the group.

Heidi is in the kitchen bitching to Syleena.

Speidi gets into an argument in front of everybody about the things they said during the zap drill. Everyone else is sitting there watching like it’s a bad scene on a reality TV show. Oh wait, it is.

“I don’t think Spencer knows how much I’m hurting. I feel like I’ve lost part of the man I married,” Heidi complains. Then again, Spencer can no longer recognize the woman he married because she’s had so much plastic surgery, so she’s not the only one losing here.

“I get electrocuted AND yelled at,” Spencer complains as Heidi stomps off. That was kinda funny.

Next week, it’s sex puppets… OMG, not going to miss that one. It’s always one of the best shows of the season on “Marriage Boot Camp.”

Sandy Malone is a reality TV star, expert wedding planner, and internationally-syndicated columnist for Conde Nast's BRIDES and The Huffington Post, in addition to Monsters... read more
Sandy Malone

If you like this story then follow us on Google News or Flipboard.

Subscribe
Notify of
guest
0 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments