Leave it to Heidi Montag to take a serious episode of WEtv’s “Marriage Boot Camp: Reality Stars” and turn it into a scene straight out of the movie “Mean Girls” while tormenting Aviva Drescher. I don’t even like Aviva and I thought Heidi was a complete and utter bitch this week.
What became glaringly apparently during her drunken raging after the ladies’ returned from their “hall pass” night is that Heidi NEEDS to feel like she’s the popular one with all the friends. She needs her friends to prove their loyalty. She wants to be the popular one and when she feels threatened in the slightest, she attacks.
I’ve known women like her but none of them have become a great success in work or life. Maybe her whiny, fake-martyr, immature behavior goes over well with her friends (oh wait, does Heidi have any friends outside of the cast of “Marriage Boot Camp?”) but I found it appalling. So did most of the viewers on Twitter.
But let me back up and start at the beginning of the episode because there was drama that morning even before they turned in their wedding rings to the boot camp directors, Jim and Elizabeth Carroll, and became single, footloose and fancy-free for the evening.
Spencer begins his day with indigestion because Aviva won’t leave him alone.
“Honestly, I don’t want to start my morning talking to you,” Spencer tells Aviva. She wants to bury the hatchet over breakfast. He ain’t interested.
“Do you listen to people? I don’t want to hear you talk… there’s no white flags with you,” Spencer is aggressive. “Aviva is definitely messing with my digestion.” He says Aviva in your ear guarantees diarrhea. Nice thought. Probably true. This guy is hilarious.
“They can’t take responsibility for anything they’ve done,” Heidi says about Reid and Aviva. Hello kettle, I hear the pot calling!!!
Spencer isn’t worried about looking bad in the press for saying nasty shit about Aviva. He thinks he’s more hated than OJ or Casey Anthony. I think he’s got an over-inflated sense of notoriety because he’s not nearly as well-known as either of those villains. He needs to stop reading the online tabloids. It’s sad he’d categorize himself with those kinds of people but it’s not surprising given how low his self-esteem is. He’s not THAT bad. Maybe his wife is though.
The first exercise of the day surprises all of them. It’s that damned lie detector again! Ha!
“I’m back in a nightmare. What more do they want to know? What the hell is happening?” Syleena complains.
Elizabeth explains the earlier test was to establish a baseline and now that they’ve been with the boot campers for eight days, there are new questions to ask.
“This is the time to lay it all out on the table because tomorrow some life-altering decisions will have to be made,” Elizabeth says.
Natalie is first up and she tells the truth. She says she can shed her “bad girl” persona. But she also says she thinks Rachel and Tyson should be together. Is she nuts?
Heidi asks her “Are you ready to have a baby with Jacob this year?” She says yes and there’s no deception found. Sounds like this chick has seriously changed some things in a week of marriage counseling.
Jacob claims he believes Natalie will change but the lie detector busted him. He tells the truth when he admits that he doesn’t want children anymore.
“After living with all these people in the house and realizing how much work kids are, I’m about to wait,” Jacob says.
Reid says he believes Rachel and Tyson should be together but gets busted for lying. He also lies about whether he believes he and Aviva will be together in five years the way things are. And he lies about giving 100 percent effort to Marriage Boot Camp.
“C’mon, Reid. Get one right once,” Tyson snarks.
Aviva lies about being willing to give up reality TV for Reid. And she lies about why she came to boot camp in the first place. And Aviva lies about wanting to be with her ex-husband (ouch!) and gets busted for it.
“This better be the last lie detector ever. I don’t ever want to see John and his stupid machine again,” Reid rants afterward.
Tyson lies about wanting to get married – he doesn’t. Not a good start.
“I want a new deal breaker,” Rachel says she wants to change her deal breaker question from episode one.
“Are you ready to make a commitment to me by the time we leave this boot camp?” Rachel asks. Jim says she gets the answer at the final ring ceremony. She’s the only one who doesn’t seem to know that no matter whether he gives her a ring on national television or not, Tyson will NEVER marry her.
Rachel lies about whether Tyson is “the one.” But on the plus side, Rachel feels stronger as a woman now. She wants kids THIS YEAR with Tyson. Does that mean her goal is to be a single mom?
“Rachel, if we don’t get married, will you leave me?” Tyson asks.
“Yes,” Rachel replies and the machine says she’s telling the truth.
“Tyson needs to man up or he’s going to lose Rachel once and for all,” Jim says.
Kiwane has never been unfaithful to Syleena, but he doesn’t fully trust Syleena. And we find out why.
Syleena HAS BEEN unfaithful to Kiwane.
“That was a shocker,” Reid says.
“I mean you’re not supposed to say you cheated on Kiwane, you’re supposed to say ‘Kiwane the machine is broke,” Natalie can’t believe Syleena is admitting her cheating.
Jim and Elizabeth give Syleena shit for not sharing this earlier in boot camp when they could have helped them more with the trust issue. Kiwane is still affected by her earlier cheating.
“It’s emotional cheating, text messages and stuff,” Syleena confesses.
Kiwane wants a new deal breaker. “Will you stay off your phone and attend to my needs?”
Syleena says she will.
Heidi will be heartbroken if she never has a child. She knows Spencer isn’t mature enough to have a child. She lies about feeling trapped by Spencer’s bad boy reputation. And she gets touchy when the others ask her questions although she has no problem jumping into their shit.
“They are definitely the predators,” Heidi says about Reid and Aviva. People in glass houses with glass faces shouldn’t throw stones. Be careful, Heidi.
Spencer believes they won’t stay together if they don’t have a kid. Spencer hates himself. Tyson gives him a big pep talk. It’s a deep scene and it’s sad to see how messed up his early entertainment career has left this guy.
After the exercise, most of them look totally fried.
“Are you meant to be together?” Jim asks… and collects their wedding rings to give them a “hall pass” – a night on the town pretending to be single. Not a good idea with any group, but these folks in particular. I mean we’ve already seen how Natalie and Heidi behave after a few drinks. These women need a chaperone.
“But tonight you’re all single. We’re giving you a hall pass for a night out on the town,” Elizabeth explains they’ll be sleeping apart from their mates to reflect on their relationships and the big decision they need to make the next day. People aren’t happy about the rules but they’re psyched to get out of the mansion for a night.
“Will absence make the heart grow fonder?” Elizabeth asks… or, she wonders, will they act out inappropriately given the opportunity to have a free pass to misbehave.
“Single and ready to mingle, see ya babe,’ Tyson pecks Rachel on the cheek and takes of like it’s the best thing he’s done all week. Given the last 48 hours, he’s a fool to treat her like that.
Perfect timing for the directors to call Tyson in for a one-on-one session.
Jim tells him he’s stringing Rachel along.
“I have been pretty selfish and I haven’t really opened myself up to her,” Tyson says. He says “responsibility” is the issue.
“So the number one excuse is stubbornness?” Jim asks. “You’re going to run out of excuses and you’re going to lose her.”
“It’s just like system overload,” Tyson says he’s overwhelmed and feels pressured.
“Either commit or walk away,” Jim says. He’s not afraid to apply pressure when necessary even if Tyson is a big wimp.
Everybody gets dressed up to go out.
“Y’all probably gonna act a damn fool,” Natalie tells Jacob she “runs LA” and she’ll know what he does so he better behave himself. Meanwhile, she’s planning to “paint the town red.”
“I almost didn’t let Reid go out with us,” Jacob tells him to go take off his blazer. All he’s missing is the beanie with a propeller.
“I think we should consider this Tyson’s bachelor party,” Reid is a naughty instigator.
Syleena wants to keep things light. Does she know who she’s going out with?
“My worst fear tonight is that Heidi is going to have a few too many and start lashing out at me, again,” Aviva says. Wow, Mistress of the Obvious Drescher. I don’t blame her for not wanting to go out socially with these women. I don’t like her but I feel sorry for her. She can’t even relate to Heidi and Natalie and the way they behave. They come from very different worlds.
“I WANT KIDS NOW,” Natalie tells the girls she’s mad at Jacob about the lie detector in the party bus on the way to the bar. They’re hammered before they even arrive and it’s not going to be pretty.
Heidi is flat-out pole dancing like a stripper in the club. But it’s just her with the girls and they’re having a blast. She’s trying to attract men but then she pitches a fit when they get close.
“Heidi has been lying to us. Apparently, she used to be a stripper,” Syleena jokes.
Guys are hitting on Rachel and shitfaced Heidi warns her not to mess up her relationship. What relationship?
“Heyyyy come over here… and then it’s like what are you doing, get out of here,” Rachel says, mimicking Heidi’s behavior dancing on the platform. She’s a total dick tease.
“We’re all married. Don’t take it personally,” Aviva tells a very confused guy as Heidi stands on stage screaming to get them out of there after she called them over. #HeadCase
Aviva spends most of the night by herself watching the girls dance. Even the ones who realize they’re leaving her out make no effort to include her. Apparently, Natalie is afraid of Heidi for some weird reason.
“Anytime Aviva got close to me, Heidi got mad,” Natalie says. Good point. Gotta wonder what’s wrong with Heidi. She’s known Natalie for a week and a day.
Meanwhile, in the guys’ party bus, they’re focused on Tyson and he doesn’t like it at all.
“Open it up, if he doesn’t get engaged tomorrow, I really think she’s gonna peace out on you,” Spencer tells Tyson as the guy looks at a bottle of champagne like it’s his enemy.
Tyson says he’s trying to keep the other four from getting out of control. I just think he’s boring.
In the club, Reid suggests they invite some girls over, trying to get them all in trouble.
“My wife is not jealous,” Reid says. That’s cuz she doesn’t care about you anymore, Reid.
“I’m not scared but I don’t want to die,” Jacob says when a woman approaches him.
“Girls wanna connect with you,” Reid tells Jake, trying to instigate again.
“I don’t connect with girls,” Jacob stays out of trouble. I like him more and more. I dislike Reid more and more.
“Reid’s game is so under par,” Jake says. But he’s not even kidding. Reid starts treating the women in the club like hookers.
“Offering $60 for blow jobs… quick game to jail,” Spencer says after Reid propositions some random girl for a blow job for Tyson, who isn’t requesting one and says he doesn’t need to pay for them anyway.
Reid gets sent to “time out” for offering money for blow jobs – and he goes!
“Maybe that’s a childhood thing that Jim and Elizabeth need to address with him because it was pretty easy to get a 55-year-old man into a time out,” Tyson snarks.
“It was great bonding with the guys,” Reid says. Does he know what a dork he is? Apparently not.
Despite Aviva’s best efforts to avoid Heidi all night, they get into a bitch fight in the party bus on the way home. Heidi, who started it, goes and cries and plays victim and half the other women are all sympathetic. Do they not see through this bullshit?
“Shut up and get the fuck away from me,” Heidi literally shrieks when Aviva tries to diffuse the situation.
“Trying to get in my face… these are MY FRIENDS,” Heidi screams. This is what I was talking about in the beginning of my blog. Who says that? Who acts like that? Heidi is a spoiled little girl still, and she has no business having children at this point. What’s she going to do if Spencer pays more attention to the baby than to her one day?
It’s obvious Heidi’s still carrying a lot of emotional childhood bullshit. Run Lauren run! The whole war with Lauren Conrad makes so much more sense after watching this.
I was disappointed to see Rachel take Heidi’s side and gang up on Aviva. Baaaah. Rachel is a total sheep. But we knew that. If she had a backbone, she wouldn’t still be with Tyson.
“She’s so awful. I hate her,” Heidi sobs. You hate everyone who doesn’t worship and agree with you, Heidi. Get over yourself!
“I’m just so over all of this unnecessary tension,” Syleena says.
Heidi goes inside and boohoos to Spencer. He tries to talk her off the ledge. I keep seeing this guy – the “villain” – appearing as a voice of reason on this show. I think he’s been mischaracterized. His wife on the other hand…
Reid kisses Aviva to welcome her home and Rachel starts yelling “FAKE FAKE FAKE” in a really mean way. Wow, coming from the woman who is living on the River Denial.
“She just said all these really horrible things about me,” Heidi tells Spencer. WHAT? We were watching. Aviva didn’t actually say anything mean about Heidi.
“I don’t argue with crazy,” Aviva tells the other women. She and Reid head up to bed with no intention of sleeping apart. I don’t blame Aviva. I wouldn’t sleep in a room with Heidi either.
“Heidi’s so mad. She was cussing out all the guests,” Syleena tells Kiwane about how awful Heidi behaved in the bar.
Heidi yells at Natalie for being neutral in her fight with Aviva and says she should be on her side. Who has sides when they grow up? Maybe Speidi should move to New Jersey – Heidi would seriously fit in with those Housewives.
“Honestly, I’m a better friend than you,” Heidi yells at Natalie for not beating the shit out of Aviva for her. So Natalie goes to take on Aviva. But Aviva’s had enough. And Natalie playing two-faced isn’t going to fly.
“You told me to get up and stick up for myself!” Aviva says to Natalie. Heidi hits the ceiling. Natalie is caught in the middle but why is she so afraid to be honest with Heidi? Why is she so beholden to this possessed Barbie whom she hardly knows? Don’t these women have “real” friends on the outside? It’s a 10-day boot camp for God’s sake!
“Reid tried to buy me a blow job for $60,” Tyson tells Rachel. Spencer corroborates the story. Rachel’s pissed.
“I tried to turn it into a bachelor party,” Reid explains, joking around.
“A bachelor party doesn’t involve blow jobs,” Rachel yells.
“Why’d you rat me out man?” Reid asks Tyson.
“Cuz I thought it was funny,” Tyson says. No, actually, you were trying to score points with Rachel for not accepting the blow job.
“Tomorrow could be the best or the worst day of my life,” Rachel whines. Oh c’mon, Rachel – stop being so pathetic. Even if he gives you a ring for the purposes of the TV show, he doesn’t want to marry you. Even if he marries you, he didn’t want to. It won’t last. If she’s wondering what’s going to happen to her relationship with Tyson, she’s literally the only person in America who doesn’t know.
Next week, Reid calls Tyson a selfish pig and Jake finds out Natalie lied on his deal-breaker question from the first episode. It’s the big ring ceremony and for once, we really don’t know if somebody who REALLY wants a ring will get one. I really hope Tyson doesn’t stoop that low. It would be for TV only. He doesn’t love Rachel nearly as much as he loves himself.
Not gonna miss it!