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Recap: The Real Housewives of New York, Scrotum Waxing Edition

The Real Housewives of New York City - Season 5

It’s not often that I have to begin my blog with the teaser for next week but this time I don’t have a choice. Aviva’s dad is back on “Real Housewives of New York” and he’s in rare form.

“Ramona is a bitch and you know what happens to bitches – they get fucked by dogs,” George declares. Well, he’s not wrong. She’s a bitch. But after all his dinner table talk tonight about meeting his girlfriend when she was waxing his scrotum, I’m pretty sure that BravoTV needs to get this guy into retirement.

Soon George can be on TLC’s “Sex Sent Me to the ER” but I’ve had enough of him on this show. Ew yuck gross gag. I’m sure some network wants to make a show about elderly folks having sex – I just don’t want to watch it. Neither do most of the RHONY fans either, according to tweets during the show.

Oh yes, George proposed to his 25-year-old girlfriend at a dinner party at Aviva’s tonight and it was HILARIOUS. I thought Sonja was going to lose it completely when she saw the rock. Snarky bitch about it too. She’s jealous.

“It was just plain weird,” Sonja says of George handing his intended a shopping bag with a ring box in it at a family dinner (why was Sonja there anyway?).

Cody, the bride-to-be, says yes, and then barely gets the ring over her tacky-ass rhinestone-encrusted, sharp-pointed fingernails. Is that a new fashion trend I’ve blessedly missed? Saw it on Blanca on “Marriage Boot Camp” too. How do they wipe with nails like that? Ouch! And for God’s sake, don’t rub your eyes or pick your nose on the sly. Can’t we leave the bling on the phone cases, please? Ugh.

The only topic at dinner was sex sex sex. And more sex. Aviva’s daddy likes mirrors over the bed and so does Harry (Aviva’s ex and Sonja’s date for the night). I mean seriously folks – can we get any more incestuous than this?

Even Aviva looks uncomfortable – and I usually enjoy seeing her unhappy. Tonight I felt sorry for her but she obviously set it up and invited this vile crew. They’re just bringing “just desserts” for her stupidity.

“Dad really, do you have to talk your balls at dinner?” Aviva asks. Yes, Aviva, apparently he does.

But then there Aviva is, another night, out at dinner with Ramona and Sonja talking about the size of meatballs and why there are three on a plate while they all sexually harass the service staff at the restaurant as usual. These women are HORRIBLE behavioral examples to their daughters. I feel sorry for them. They must be mortified. Maybe that’s why we NEVER see Sonja’s daughter on camera.

P.S. I think some of my wedding guests have been modeling the RHONY behavior lately and I’m not liking it one bit. Bring back manners, please!

But let’s back up to the beginning, back up in the Berkshires, where a lot of hung-over ladies are wandering around trying to remember the previous night’s bitch session about Ramona’s evil escape to Molly Simms’ party in the Hamptons via private airplane.

“Sonja’s looking a little rough around the edges this morning,” Heather snarks. But
Sonja’s really upset to find out Ramona hasn’t really had her back. If she even knew how much her bestie has been spilling about her financials, she’d hate her guts. Oh wait, by now she does.

Carole asks if anybody remembers what they decided to do about Ramona.

“We decided not to get mad, but to get even,” LuAnn reminds them all.

“Nothing will band a group of girls together faster than an ill-timed twitter update” Carole jokes in interview.

When they get back to the city, Heather and Kristen meet in the park just to bitch about Ramona together and Heather tries to get Kristen to join in the gang up on Ramona. But Kristen isn’t as dumb as people think and she’s had enough things thrown at her lately. She declines.

“Call it an intervention, call it a confrontation… what happened with you takes it really to a whole other level. It’s a real issue with anger management. It’s ridiculous to get that angry over your hair,” Heather rants. She’s right. Ramona’s hair always looks like shit so why is it such a big deal?

LuAnn, Heather, Carole and Sonja are waiting to pounce on Ramona when she arrives – they even have a plan to block her into the booth so she cannot escape. Ramona acts like trapped animal before the shitshow even gets started.

“Speaking of the Hamptons, how was Molly Simms party?” LuAnn asks. And Ramona freezes so LuAnn continues and hammers her. Ramona flips and denies and the others jump in.

“Just say what you mean, mean what you say,” Ramona whines in interview… she’s gotta be the biggest hypocrite in town!

Ramona starts screaming that she’s uncomfortable and wants to leave and LuAnn has her blocked in so Ramona starts pushing her and freaking out. Nobody believes anything she says and she looks like a psych ward case – it was so bad that they showed the other restaurant patrons laughing at her.

Everybody agrees that Ramona pulls out the dad story to blame her current behavior on her childhood, and that it’s a crock of shit. Not that she didn’t have a bad childhood, but that’s not an excuse for what she’s been doing lately.

Sonja’s not a doctor “but I know that she gets over that post-traumatic stress really quickly.” Zing!

They ask her to get help for her anger issues and she agrees, not meaning it at all.

“Do I think I need therapy, not really. But you know what, anything to get them to shut up and off my back,” Ramona explains later.

“You better straighten up Singer,” Sonja warns her. Now if that isn’t the pot calling the kettle black, then I don’t know what is.

Shortly thereafter, Kristen accepts Ramona’s invitation to “tea” to chat (but it sure looked like Pinot in Ramona’s glass and it was morning). Ramona brings flowers and it’s all weird and as soon as Kristen doesn’t tell her it’s all okay, she flips and gets nasty all over again. Oh Ramona, you suck at being an actress. Keep your day job.

Kristen is having a rough week at home. Her husband Josh is being a jerk about participating in his little girl’s physical therapy. He’s got a point about it being hard to do this in the middle of the day… as a former model, Kristen might not understand that taking that time out of the office means he really loses half a day.

But Josh acts like an ass and plays with his phone and talks on his phone throughout the session. And he bitches about Kristen to the physical therapist who is clearly uncomfortable being involved in the problems. They get into a fight and have to walk away and talk because they’re fighting right over Kingsley and the therapist. Nobody but the therapist is paying attention to the kid’s therapy.

After she leaves, they have a big fight about how he’s missing his children growing up.

“When you try to build an emerging business you’ll have a better sense of it,” Josh talks down to Kristen a lot. “The real world involves work.” She modeled for years. She’s worked. She may not understand his work world but he’s being mean.

She asks why Josh never brings her roses, and he says she never puts dinner on the table… it’s not about the kids anymore. There’s a problem in the marriage. They just fight about responsibility regarding the kids because it’s easier than tackling real issues.

Gotta ask – is Josh only doing this show to get his logos on the air over and over again because I’ve never seen the guy without his start-up’s logo plastered on his shirt, hat or water bottle. Great free advertising – must’ve worked that into their contract.

Was anybody else cringing when Josh took Kristen to the try-out for the workout video job with his “branding expert” friends working with JCore? She’s looking for other opportunities because her agent has basically told her to look at secondary markets because of her age.

“We’re skewing a lot younger… I definitely think there’s still some mileage there,” her agent told her. Ouch!

“How hard can this be?” Kristen says going into the tryout… and she then she puts on a show that can only be compared to Elaine from Seinfeld attempting to dance (if you’re not old enough to get that reference, look it up on YouTube). Seriously uncoordinated.

The branding experts are looking super worried because it becomes obvious Kristen can’t even do the workout steps the JCore guy is showing her. And she’s not smiling.

“A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do,” Kristen says afterward but she would be just as happy NOT to get this job.

Surprise, she gets the gig. Could it be the free publicity for JCore? Gotta wonder what they were thinking because all I did was sit here horrified that the person who is going to be their workout model can’t do the workout herself and has to stop every two minutes for water and to catch her breath.

No seriously. Did Jane Fonda do that?

So to make a workout video, you have to stop every few minutes for the “talent” to keep up? I mean, it makes me feel better to know the people making the videos can’t even do the workout. Isn’t that a little bit fake? Or a LOT fake? I’m not impressed JCore.

I think Kristen is gorgeous but she should be able to actually do the workout. Don’t makeup brands make their spokeswomen actually use some of the products? Do you think they stopped for Jane Fonda every two minutes? Inquiring minds want to know. And I also want to know if anybody would pay to work out with Kristen knowing she takes breaks and they don’t get to. Poop on that!

Just as I’m feeling snarky about Kristen though, her husband makes me feel sorry for her again. He won’t leave the shoot despite her repeated requests. He belittles and teases and humiliates her. What’s that about? I thought he was so busy he couldn’t do his daughter’s therapy but he has all day to stand around making snide remarks about his own wife?

“Jay, how long til you think you can get her pooch off,” Josh asks the trainer from JCore. Seriously? Kristen doesn’t have an extra inch of pooch anywhere on her. I wanted to hit him.

Last week, Carole, author of a new guidebook about dating, demonstrated her lack of dating skills with an awful date with a victim named “Nick” that LuAnn set her up with. It was a double date and I was cringing the whole time. So were LuAnn and Jacques. Carole never shut up and she talked about sex, even after her date made a joke about her lack of boundaries. I’d read the book for her sense of humor and writing skill, not for the dating advice. Just saying.

This week she was interviewing candidates to be her assistant and instead of taking it seriously, she asked them questions like can they operate a fog machine and do they own a gun? I get that she’s testing out sense of humor, but it’s not going to get her much of an assistant. Even Ramona is a bit horrified watching.

Fortunately, there’s one candidate from ABC News who, despite a hideous haircut, seems sharp and is the only one who has actually read Carole’s first book. I hope that’s the one she hires. For real.

I saved the best for last. The dog funeral for Sonja’s best friend, held in a park along the East River, with all the Housewives dressed like they were attending a mafia funeral. Fucking hilarious.

Methinks she realized that she needed to get the dog off the mantle before the movers came to throw her ass out on the street upon foreclosure, but watching all these people play along with this ridiculous scene made me ill. This woman can’t pay her bills but she’s got an expensive woowoo doctor resetting her chakras and pours champagne at her dog’s funeral.

There were printed programs! I can’t even talk about the eulogy. This is a woman who has no clue what’s really going on in her life.

Heather says this is NOT about the dog. “This is about Sonja moving forward and Sonja’s growth.” Or watching Sonja take one step closer to the loony bin. I’m telling you, they need to get a double room for Ramona and her.

The kicker was the deep moment when she went to pour the ashes into the river and wasn’t smart enough to check the wind direction. That poor puppy was blowing down the sidewalk and stuck to the front of Sonja’s dress. Even she looked a little icked out. Or maybe not. She was sniffing the dead dog’s collar in the funeral planning meeting she called with her intern staff. She even brought back former interns because it was such a serious occasion.

Look, I’m a dog owner and animal lover and I had trouble figuring out what to do after my pets died over the years, but I never invited the Mob Wives to drink champagne by the river in a dog’s memory. The people walking by were fascinated.

I don’t know how nobody burst out laughing in the group of attendees. It’s not like most of them take Sonja seriously. But really… dumping the dog down the front of herself was the icing on the very bad cake. And in my opinion, the whole ceremony was in poor taste.

“Sonja is an extravagant person, but it did seem a little ridiculous,” Heather admits.

So next week’s teaser is George talking about how Ramona should take it like a “bitch.” Nice. Or gross. Looks like Ramona going after his new fiancé may not be a wise move, but she can’t help it. She’s a mean girl through and through.

To wrap things up, let’s go over the list of Ramona-ism’s that the girls named tonight:
Crazy eyes, Ramona coaster, Singer Stinger, Pinot Polar and another one I didn’t catch. Is Ramona the only one who doesn’t know she is abso-fucking-lutely insane? Watch and see.

Sandy Malone is a reality TV star, expert wedding planner, and internationally-syndicated columnist for Conde Nast's BRIDES and The Huffington Post, in addition to Monsters... read more
Sandy Malone

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