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Recap: Real Housewives of New York, The Jerry Springer Edition

The Real Housewives of New York City - Season 6

Wow, new girl Kristen Taekman said it best on the “Real Housewives of New York” this week when she officially declared Ramona “white trash.” Maybe she’s not as dumb as BravoTV made her out to be at first. At least she’s perceptive.

“I was the first one to defend her on this ‘white trash’ comment but what she did to me was white trash. I’m pissed,” Kristen says. Good, you should be pissed. It’s about time.

Last week on RHONY, Ramona threw a wine glass at Kristen’s face during a canoe trip and split her lip, all because she got splashed with water. In a pond. In a canoe. Get a grip Ramona – your hair doesn’t look any better when a pro does it. Get over yourself. This week picked up where last week left off… with Kristen bleeding in the pond and LuAnn playing nurse (seriously, she’s an RN?).

Of course, after listening to Ramona’s bullshit boo-hoo in the woods the next morning (it was allll about having an excuse to leave and go to Molly Simms party in the Hamptons) about how daddy moved them out to an isolated spot to beat mama in private while Ramona played alone and made mud pies, I gotta say that Aviva nailed it. Ramona definitely comes from white trash.

So do a lot of other people, but they overcome it and you’d never know. Not Ramona. She wears it proudly – or at least, we can all see it written on her face and in every word that comes out of her mouth. Too bad she can’t see it.

But I swear to God, how many times did Ramona blame Kristen for losing her own temper? She kept claiming she was “provoked” and saying “I haven’t thrown anything at anyone in 30 years!” Bitch, please. We’ve been watching you hurl drinks at people since the show started. You are definitely your daddy’s little girl.

Poor delusional Sonja is still on the Ramona bandwagon until she finds out that she got ditched for the Hamptons. Ramona even lied to her bff about what she was up to.

“You don’t poke a sleeping lion, you’re going to see claws, that’s all I say,” Sonja says.

Ramona got Sonja all upset and yelling at Kristen and the other girls, defending Ramona, until LuAnn got the picture of Ramona at a party in the Hampton’s during dinner and realized she’d been made to look like a fool. But let me back up.

After the canoe debacle, the women return for a special dinner that Heather has planned that includes a rather bizarre visit from Elvis for Kristen. While it was interesting (a production idea perhaps?), it wasn’t Kristen’s birthday and it seemed weird to subject the whole crew to that. It’s not normal mountain vacation entertainment. But dinner wasn’t fun anyway and Elvis did lighten the mood.

“She goes from zero to 60 in two seconds and once she gets angry it’s like an explosion, and then usually she runs,” Carole explains to Kristen about Ramona.

“What’s up with her and her hair?” Kristen asks. I wish she’d asked what was up with her eyes too if we’re going to put it all on the table.

“She’s really into her blow-dries… she walks around with a curler,” Carole can’t help making fun even though she’s the one who helped Ramona make good her escape by private plane the next day. Carole had to drive her to the airstrip where her friend was picking her up.

But pre-dinner, Heather hasn’t given up on her weekend plans and sharing the Berkshires with her “friends.”

“A little ice on the lip, a little wine in the belly, and maybe we can just make this okay,” Heather is a hell of a hostess but nothing is going to fix this mess. Except excellent security.

Ramona is bitching about the heat again and it’s not THAT hot.

“Of course Ramona has taken it upon herself to turn this into the Ramona show,” Heather observes.

When dinner starts, Ramona tries to toast Kristen and she’s like no friggin’ way. Ramona compares Kristen’s split lip to when she busted her own lip open shooting a shotgun. Say what?

“I think we’ve got a non sequitur here, shotgun recoil on one side, psycho bitch throwing a wine glass at your face on the other,” Heather says. “Are they the same thing, I don’t think so.”

“Don’t fuck with her blow dry,” Carole jokes.

“Thanks for giving me that memo, seriously,” Kristen groans.

Ramona doesn’t know how to apologize properly, to anyone. Including Kristen.

“I never was intending to hurt you so I’m sorry,” Ramona says begrudgingly, as if it fixes everything.

“Is this an apology?” Kristen asks.

“Sort of I guess, yeah… You hurled water at me and I hurled what I had in my hand,” Ramona explains as though that makes ANY sense. It turns into a screaming fight in the yard. Ramona keeps getting closer to Kristen and yelling in her face and won’t back up.

“What are you the Wicked Witch of the Hamptons – you gonna melt? I mean what’s up with you and your hair?” Kristen is fed up. She’s the one sporting the split lip and Ramona is still bitching about her blow dry. Why doesn’t somebody hit her back – hard – and give her something real to worry about.

Ramona doesn’t get that she’s the one who is wrong. Shocker! Heather can commiserate because she’s been through having Ramona hate her for no reason and agrees it was a bullshit apology.

“It’s like that Polish joke about the light bulbs. How many women does it take to rehash apology NOT accepted,” Carole is hilarious but right on target. And Ramona is furious Kristen isn’t meekly accepting her apology. I think Ramona high-tailed it out of there in the morning because on some level, she knows she was TOTALLY wrong and was mortified. I had an intern do that once – quit and go home when she got caught lying. Of course, she was 22 years old… not 50.

Leave it to Ramona, when a nice friend comes to get her, the first things she does is bitch about the fact the little Skylane airplane doesn’t have air-conditioning. Tells me she hasn’t spent THAT much time in private planes. But how did that come about anyway? It had nothing to do with her memories of her father. She booked that flight before they even left the house.

And I just gotta ask, after the previous 24 hours, should these women really be drinking mimosas at breakfast? Meanwhile, Ramona is making emergency exit plans to get out of the Berkshires on her phone in the bedroom and flat out lies to Carole about why she’s packing when she gets caught.

Ramona is freaking out on their walk in the woods and Carole thinks she’s lost it completely. Ramona has serious childhood issues for sure, but that’s not why she’s leaving. She already has her plans – those were made hours before. She gives Heather a giant bullshit story but we’ve already seen that she’s got plans to leave.

She asks Carole to take her to the airport and Carole agrees, although I think she should have told the other girls first. She got gotten by Ramona.

“She definitely had me for a minute… that was some act,” Carole admits. Watching Ramona board her flight and the attitude switch pisses Carole off big time because she realizes she’s gotten used and abused by her “friend” Ramona. Nobody else would have been nice enough to take her to the airstrip – and Sonja would have insisted on tagging along and Ramona wanted to ditch her.

“That’s the beauty of having friends with good possessions, haha!” Ramona brags about her friend coming to get her. Oh Adam Stobsky, I hope you never give that bitch a ride anywhere ever again. You got used too, honey.

“There’s just something nuts about her. She’s very dramatic,” Carole says. And as the plane flies away, she gets really funny. “Bon voyage Ramona! You’ve given us a lot to talk about at dinner tonight.”

The afternoon plan is a chartered pontoon boat ride on the lake, which would have seemed really neat and fun if we hadn’t had to watch Sonja sexually harass the boat captain. Even Heather participated in it a little bit.

Reality Check: You may be RHONY but you are old as shit (every one of you) compared to this 20 year old who lives with his parents on the lake. Leave him alone. It’s kinda gross to watch.

“Can I stay with you tonight?” Sonja asks him. “I’m going to promise you tonight you’re going to heaven.” He looks like he’d like to escape that boat.

“She’s old enough to be his mother. It’s not a good look,” Carole accurately describes the scene. Everybody else goes swimming except Sonja who stays on the boat harassing the kid but is proud she “kept my paws to myself.”

Sonja, he wasn’t going to touch you with somebody else’s you-know-what, so go ahead and keep dreaming. You’re old, and you’re nuts. You scare little boys.

Sonja hunts down the captain’s phone number, stalking him off the boat and trying to get into his pants. She just takes everything wayyy too far.

And Carole’s right. Ramona leaving just means she’s the one they’ll talk about. We haven’t seen Aviva in two episodes (no loss) so they have to talk about somebody. Sonja’s with them so they can’t bash her.

“She’s saying I’m just another pretty face, I’m saying she’s just another angry bitch,” Kristen says. Bahahaha! That’s pretty true. She tells her husband about what happened on the phone and Josh is baffled.

“That shit happens on ‘The Jerry Springer show,’ that doesn’t happen in the Berkshires,” Josh says. Exactly Josh. That’s what I’ve been saying all season. You can’t go around assaulting people and get away with it. Or you can. If Kristen doesn’t press charges (and she didn’t) then there’s nothing for the police to investigate. It’s not like BravoTV can call the police if the victim doesn’t want to make a complaint. Police only investigate if the victim reports a crime. They don’t go looking for people to lock up, no matter how many Housewives episodes they may have seen.

Heather takes them out to dinner to see the town. It’s cute. Comparing it to Telluride might be a bit of a stretch, but the ladies seem to like it. Dinner chat is all about the Ramona-the-nutjob and her great escape. And Sonja is still defending Ramona at first, til LuAnn receives a text of Ramona partying in the Berkshires. Without Sonja. Damn. It’s like a light bulb goes on over Sonja’s head. Who knew she had that ability?

Sonja is devastated by seeing Ramona at the party and realizes she was being lied to all along. “She wouldn’t lie to me,” she claims. Right… and she wouldn’t tell all the other RHONY about your financial problems either. Back up two episodes and watch that again Sonja. Ramona is NOT your friend.

“When Ramona’s being nice, that’s when you get suspicious,” Sonja says. Okay then, so why are you her friend? And why do you scream and yell at other people defending themselves from her?

LuAnn enjoys rubbing the pic in Sonja’s face. “There she is having a good time in the Hamptons… she got a blow dry!”

“No one is more furious than me,” Sonja claims. Wow, did that flip pretty fast, didn’t you? Not going to call your bff for an explanation? Guess you’re not really THAT close after all.

“I think we have to have an intervention,” LuAnn suggests. “It’s much more fun than being mad at her.” But what is labeled an “intervention is really just “getting even” and they all admit it.

“We’re gonna cook her goose,” Heather says.

“We are done and it’s going to end right here,” LuAnn declares.

The teaser for next week is HILARIOUS. It shows the “intervention” and Ramona melting down like a sideshow (per usual) when the women confront her in a restaurant. Kristen isn’t there – probably a good call. Ramona gets all weird and psycho and does that thing where she shuts her eyes and starts screaming like a badly behaved child. But LuAnn has her pinned in at the table and she can’t escape. DYING to watch that part.

Wasn’t excited to see the show end with clips of Josh tearing into Kristen for being a lousy mother or wife.

“Why do you think I don’t come home? There’s never food on the table,” Josh says to Kristen during a fight on camera. Ouch. That’s harsh. She was mad he hadn’t shown up for their child’s therapy session. I’m not sure exactly where that starts or ends, but I know I didn’t like it. People have been hurling enough things at Kristen lately, after the wine glass she doesn’t need insults from her husband too.

Next week is going to be good because I can’t resist watching Ramona getting a taste of her own medicine. Or maybe that’s the wrong way to phrase it when the woman is already so clearly medicated. Or maybe she’s off her meds and that’s the problem. Guess we’ll have to wait and see if she starts screaming about “Xanax!”

Sandy Malone is a reality TV star, expert wedding planner, and internationally-syndicated columnist for Conde Nast's BRIDES and The Huffington Post, in addition to Monsters... read more
Sandy Malone

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