Recap: Real Housewives of New York, The ‘Gusband’ Friend Edition

Recap: Real Housewives of New York, The ‘Gusband’ Friend Edition

Alright, why don’t Heather and Josh just hold hands and run off into the sunset together after the way they attacked Kristen at their makeup dinner when the “Real Housewives of New York” returned to the city from the dude ranch disaster?

For real, if my husband ever threw me under the bus the way Josh does to Kristen on a regular basis, we wouldn’t still be married. And our 10th wedding anniversary is in September so I feel qualified to judge.

Plus, I plan weddings for a living and I can tell you that some fiancés treat their soon-to-be spouses like that before they even tie the knot, and those couples rarely return to celebrate a wedding anniversary because they don’t get that far in their marriages.

Josh really f**ks up by taking Heather’s side at the dinner – and we all noticed it was Heather that brought up the “bossy” argument the minute she sat down. It was like she had to teach Kristen that Josh respects her more than his own wife. Okay, Heather, point proven. Does it make you feel better or more powerful to join in the verbal abuse?

“I just want him to understand my side of it and I feel like he never will,” Kristen whines in interview. She’s right. In his opinion, she doesn’t get a “side” because he’s always right. He admires Heather more than Kristen so he’s picking sides. Unfortunately for the children, he’s on the wrong team.

At dinner, Heather calls Kristen “bossy” and then Josh calls Kristen “bossy” and Heather’s husband just sits and watches. I’d have gotten up and walked out if that was my husband. Kristen can do so much better than Josh, despite how all powerful and important he thinks he is.

“I will say the good thing is you’re communicating about it,” Jonathan finally offers, probably to prove he does actually have permission to talk from Heather. But it’s pretty weak.

It’s revealed that Josh never consults Kristen about how his career affects their lives. He made the decision to move them to Los Angeles without her input, and when he decided to move back to New York, he rented their house out from under her in LA without any warning and just a few days to pack. Seriously? Why has she stayed this long?

“I am, after all, just a housewife,” Kristen says and means it. She is so beaten down and Heather is being s**tty. She’d kill her husband if he did the same thing. But Jonathan isn’t dumb enough to cross Heather because even he admits she’s the “B-O-S-S.”

There’s a long scene later in their apartment because Josh, who busted on Kristen for never cooking in a prior episode, blows off date night because of a conference call that ran late. He claims that he couldn’t even leave the room to text her and let her know.

Hey bud – that’s when texting is handy or appropriate – when you’re about to miss another commitment because you can’t get off the phone or out of a meeting. This dude has a God complex.

Kristen is upset because they pre-planned date night and she spent a lot of time preparing a special dinner. When he’s more than 30 minutes late, she calls to see where he is and he starts screaming and yelling at her about how very important he is. I mean he is seriously mean and nasty.

Had to wonder who was listening to him eviscerate his wife on the other end. He obviously doesn’t care if America is listening. Every time you tape a call on a reality show, you have to advise the person on the other end that they’re being recorded – he has NO EXCUSE.

“It makes me feel horrible when my husband yells at me. This is not okay.” Kristen is totally right. It’s not okay. But he’s made her feel so worthless that she’s probably afraid she can’t make it on her own. He may not be hitting her with his fists, but he’s abusing the heck out of her with his words. Divorces – and large settlements – are granted based on that sort of behavior and all Kristen’s lawyer will have to do is organize the show clips for exhibits in the courtroom.

“He’s obviously beyond stressed out at work, but why do I have to get the brunt of it? I have enough s**t I’m dealing with at home,” Kristen complains. Again, she’s right. She has a disabled toddler who requires a LOT of intense physical therapy or she may not learn to walk. Plus another small child. And we’ve seen in previous episodes that Josh is not actively participating in her therapy. He even attacked his wife and fought with his wife in front of the therapist trying to teach him how to help his little girl.

When Josh walks in an hour late for dinner, the fighting starts again immediately. Her dinner is ruined and Josh tell Kristen he’s “pissed at her.” He’s much too busy and too important to have time to tell Kristen his schedule has changed and she’s supposed to just sit and wait til he shows up. And she’s not supposed to bother him when he’s not home on time because OBVIOUSLY he’s doing something very important. He’s always busy and important.

“Why do you push my buttons?” Kristen asks him. When she blames burned potatoes on him, instead of apologizing, he says she doesn’t know how to cook. Nice. How about “thanks for the effort, honey. I’m sorry my thoughtlessness ruined dinner.”

My only complaint about the dinner was that Kristen didn’t realize the monogrammed napkins Josh admired were actually linen-like bathroom hand towels. But Josh didn’t recognize her faux pas. It was the only thing he complimented.

Every time they fight, Josh complains that she knows nothing about the business world so she can’t even have an intelligent conversation about it. Whose fault is that? Apparently, Josh came home one day and informed her he’d done away with his marketing company and switched to whatever that new company is for which he’s constantly sporting the logo on the TV show. But no discussion with his wife before a major life change that affected them both? That is NOT how marriage works, buddy.

“The issue is there’s not common ground because you don’t understand what it’s like to be in that experience. If you did, you’d probably be a little bit more understanding that I could not step away to go send a text,” Josh patronizes her whenever he opens his mouth. I’ve already expressed my opinion on that excuse. #weak

“You are so delusional about time and it seems I’m the only one that ever gets the brunt of it,” Kristen points out that he’s never late for clients.

“You’ve never had a lot of responsibility… we need a mediator,” Josh suggests a therapist for them to mediate this particular issue and then beats her up about how the “mediator” is going to tell her how wrong she is. Was anybody else laughing out loud at that because we all know any legit therapist is going to tell him to stop talking to and about his wife the way he does.

“You’re myopic, you only see it your way,” Josh continues. “You embellish, you embellish, you embellish.” He tells her that a mediator is going to tell her that she’s out of line in expecting him to set aside business for his wife and family. Unlikely.

Kristen actually believes she deserves this… but she knows he’s going to get the smackdown if he actually goes to therapy because he’s resisted going in the past when it was her idea. That said, she thinks this is okay and somebody needs to tell her it’s not.

Where are her friends and family? He does this in front of everybody and nobody stops him? Oh wait, she thinks Heather is her good friend and she encourages Josh’s awful treatment of his wife. Kristen, Heather is not your friend.

“He’s the father of my children and this is normal right? This is what happens,” Kristen says in interview with tears in her eyes. No, it’s not normal and that’s not what happens.

IF they go to a “mediator,” I really hope we get to see that. I need to see that a**hole humbled by somebody. But you know he’s just going to write off the therapist as a “quack” the minute he or she tells him he’s wrong. #GodComplex

Alright, that’s enough time focused on the dissolving marriage of Josh and Kristen. Obviously, this has been an unhappy couple for a long time. I just can’t figure out why you’d sign up for a reality television show to document the demise of your marriage for all the world to see.

The only other major highlight of the night was the battle royale between Ramona and LuAnn at the open microphone event at Birdland.

Ramona had her “gusband” friend write a love song from Mario to her and he spends several days rehearsing before the big night. First run through was rough. No wonder Ramona kept refilling her wine glass during the rehearsal. Either that or she has her drinking on a schedule that must be meticulously maintained.

Obviously, the get-together at Birdland was a disaster.

“LuAnn’s decided she doesn’t want to sing? I don’t blame her. She knows she’s not that great of a singer,” Ramona says.

BravoTV didn’t do LuAnn any favors then when they showed an awful, off-key clip of LuAnn recording in studio that was absolute torture to watch and hear.

But Ramona can’t leave it alone.

“LuAnn, why don’t you want to sing tonight?” Ramona challenges her in front of everyone. “You’re afraid to sing because you don’t have auto-tune.” OUCH! She continues to pick and pick til LuAnn almost loses her cool.

“I’m not having it. I came here to support her husband,” LuAnn says, obviously embarrassed and hurt. Ramona keeps at it. LuAnn finally turns around and fights back.

“Listen honey, I can do what I want and if I feel like singing I will, so don’t tell me when I can sing and when I won’t. I’m not the staff you can order around, alright?” LuAnn spits at Ramona.

“I hear Heather is better than you,” Ramona yells. Oh God. Just can’t let it go.

“Ramona, you’re just being downright mean. We’re here to have a good time. Just lighten up on LuAnn. She’s not gonna sing. Big deal,” Heather says in interview.

But even as the show begins, Ramona won’t stop. She accuses LuAnn of having claimed the pianist on stage only plays for her.

“He plays for Liza Minnelli, you cow. Shut your face! You’re really annoying right now,” LuAnn shuts her down hard and fast. Bet nobody ever called Ramona a “cow” before. Bahahaha! I wonder if she gives Pinot-flavored milk.

“I think Ramona thinks her rudeness is amusing but it’s not, it’s hurtful,” LuAnn says in interview. It was hurtful and humiliating but The Countess maintained her composure better than most women would.

Mario’s performance wasn’t awful but it was a love song to Ramona, and we all know how that worked out. I wonder if his girlfriend was in the audience and he pretended to be singing to her.

Heather was pretty funny on stage but she LOVES to be center of attention no matter what the activity. That’s a plus and a minus.

I’m not wasting time tonight ranting about Sonja’s “internship” program again – you know how big of a joke I think that is. But she got my attention when she was talking about her turnover.

“These interns come, they get their credit, and they move on,” Sonja explains. Who the hell is giving these kids academic credit for working for Sonja? Those universities should lose accreditation. I’m totally horrified. OMG.

“The only thing I don’t like is you majored in Psychology – I don’t want you analyzing me,” Sonja tells a potential internship candidate in an interview. Seriously. Half of America has already decided you need to be committed Sonja. I wouldn’t worry about a bachelors in psych causing you problems.

But then Sonja pulls her giant two-faced move when Aviva pops in to visit. She brags that she’s set up a Feng Shui environment to sit down and tell Aviva all the gossip the girls talked about her on the trip. And she throws EVERYONE under the bus, never mentioning that she started half the nasty talk.

“I’d say in general that everyone got along really well except talking about YOU the whole time. Everyone said the worst things about you…. Ramona started it,” Sonja tells Aviva. Damn, she threw enough bodies in front of that bus to stop it dead in the road.

“This was more than petty gossip. These girls really have it out for Aviva.” Sonja says in interview. Okay then, what’s your excuse, Sonja? I heard you joking about her asthma too… wasn’t that going to be your excuse for not going “glamping?” #busted

“They said you did it to get attention,” Sonja tells Aviva. What’s funny is that Aviva is shocked nobody was worried about her. They don’t like her and she still hasn’t figured that out. Suddenly, she starts sucking on her inhaler again.

“I had your back the whole time,” Sonja promises. Ha! Liar liar, pants on fire. You do realize that Aviva is going to see this all eventually, right?

“Maybe I’m lying also about having an artificial leg… maybe I made it up just to get attention,” Aviva rants. “You know what, I’m sick of defending myself. I need a break. I’m sick of these girls.”

Aviva, what makes you think they’re your friends? They avoid you as much as possible. Get a reality check and move on. Even bringing your pervert father on the show regularly isn’t going to save you at this rate. Unless it’s another season of “kick the moron” for the RHONY.

Before the big open mic night, Ramona has the fat on her stomach removed on television. She brings Sonja and Kristen for support (or entertainment) and then sicks the plastic surgeon on Kristen, telling her, “You’re never too young to start.”

The plastic surgeon turns and tells Kristen she needs her eyes done, totally without Kristen soliciting an opinion. Kristen is offended and the look on her face is telegraphing the words STFU. But sad thing is, I bet she gets her eyes done within a year.

“Okay fine, I need some Botox, but you could be a little nice about it. I mean, Jesus, I feel like a circus freak,” Kristen complains afterward. But she didn’t stand up for herself when it happened. Would somebody please loan her a backbone? Might cut down on the whining.

What happened, BravoTV couldn’t get anybody to be waxed on television this week so instead they’re covering plastic surgery procedures? Literally nothing is sacred to these women.

Next week, Ramona’s daughter leaves for college so I’m hoping we’ll get to see Mario leave her ass. Or at least see her find out he’s been cheating on her. I’ve been cheering for it for years, and it’s not fair to keep us waiting. They probably had a deal to wait til production ended, but we all know he was counting down the days. Rumor has it they’ve been trying to work things out… yeah right. Run while you can, Mario!

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