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Recap: Real Housewives of New York, The Dude Ranch Trip Edition

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Let’s be honest. It’s time to rename this show “DESPERATE Housewives of New York” after watching the way the women behave at the super posh dude ranch in Montana.

The most depressing thing I saw all night was that this trip is going to last through yet another episode. Oh for God’s sake BravoTV, we can only watch so much of them bitching at each other and doing activities they don’t want to do in the most badly-chosen destination for these divas that you could possibly imagine.

But there are some behaviors that carry through no matter where they are – Sonja’s desperate hunt for a victim – um, I meant man – continues with each and every male staff member she encounters. Does she think this is appropriate behavior to use with the hired staff of the resort who are there to facilitate your vacation? Not one single gentleman shows her the slightest bit of interest, and believe me, she’s trying.

It starts before the ladies even leave the cabin. Ramona and Sonja are mad that Kristen has arranged a private chef and they want to go out to dinner that night.

“I want to see where Will Smith goes. I want to see where Reese Witherspoon goes… I had a squirrel try to get in my room last night and I almost made out with him,” Sonja is even threatening the wildlife now. And getting stars’ names wrong. Nice.

God help the ranch hand named Henry. Sonja didn’t need to tell this guy she wasn’t wearing panties. He doesn’t care and isn’t interested. The look on his face is priceless when she tells him to back up because she’s not wearing underwear. Really? Again.

I felt better watching how badly they all did fly-fishing, but Heather was hilarious when she fell all the way in the water trying to catch a fish. I would have felt sorry for her but she turned into a bitch at Kristen the next day after lunch and lost all my sympathy. I didn’t think Heather was two-faced before this episode, but she is definitely not the friend to Kristen that she purports to be. #sorrynotsorry

And while I think the private dinner at the “cabin” was a lovely idea, this crew of women should not have been sitting alone together for an extended period of time. The snarking and bitching begins the minute the “Beaver” cabin crew arrives at “Antlers” for dinner.

When LuAnn and Kristen buddy up about both being from Connecticut, Sonja gets nasty.

“Sonja seems to have a stick up her ass – oh correction, I think it’s the whole tree,” LuAnn says. Funny, but I think the problem may be the lack of something up there.

So just to make sure that LuAnn is miserable, Sonja brings up her “facialist” again and sets LuAnn off. LuAnn is totally right. It’s not okay to hire an esthetician (I’ve never ever heard anyone refer to them as “facialists” before and I am a self-professed spa whore) to come to your home and gossip about your friends.

Sonja keeps talking about how funny it is and how she loves it while LuAnn is saying that she should have told the woman to shut up. LuAnn is right. Sonja doesn’t get it because she LIKES bad press. She’s DESPERATE for any and all press.

Kristen definitely proved she’s a social moron tonight when she took on LuAnn on the same topic. She could have been best buds with the Connecticut connection, but instead she chose to burn the community bridge.

Give it up Blondie, you can never make it okay that you sat and laughed through the public humiliation of your new so-called friend. Kristen is as guilty as Sonja for not having given that bitch the smackdown and told her to stop gossiping.

I’ll say the same thing that I said last week, Kristen only thinks the gossip about LuAnn is hilarious because she hasn’t experienced that yet. She’s not famous yet compared to the rest of the crew. I am 100 percent certain that when rumors about her husband or her circulate, she’ll freak out and cry (she cries a lot). And when it happens, I won’t feel the least bit sorry for her. #notsorryagain

Ramona changes the subject to Aviva. Good call, it distracted everybody for about 30 seconds.

“I think she made asthma happen because she didn’t want to come on the trip because she doesn’t want to be away from her husband,” Ramona accuses. Everybody else pretty much agrees.

But then LuAnn and Sonja are at it again and it gets so ugly that LuAnn goes inside and dinner ends up being some of them outside and some of them inside and everybody wishing they weren’t there together.

“You lie down with pigs, you’re a pig,” Sonja says about LuAnn to Heather and Kristen, her only remaining audience. This is too much for Heather.

“There’s certain lines you just don’t cross. You don’t call LuAnn de Lesseps – one of my dear friends – a pig when I’m there. I know she didn’t mean it, but it was a really, really shitty thing to say,” Heather says. She gets up and goes inside to get away from Sonja too. Is there anybody else left outside on porch with her? Only one.

Oh yes, it’s Kristen. Drunk and bonding with Sonja and agreeing that you don’t fire the best “facialist” in New York City just because she gossips about your friends. Ladies, do you not think she’s gossiping about you with her next clients? Do you think you’re special?

Inside, Ramona turns mean and says LuAnn is just jealous because she wants to be Sonja’s friend and Sonja doesn’t want to be friends. I don’t think that’s exactly the case.

Once upon a time, before Sonja revealed her dark, pathetic, slutty side to everybody in the world, she and LuAnn were friends. LuAnn has removed herself from doing the show full time for a reason – she doesn’t want to spend so much time with these crazy bitches.

Truth is, Sonja is jealous of LuAnn. “LuAnn has as the perfect life …” she whines.

rhony

The next morning sober Kristen is all friendly to LuAnn and says she thinks she has to separate Sonja and LuAnn to save the trip. Fact of the matter is that Kristen is aggravating the problem.

Heather, hanging out in spa land with Ramona and Sonja, doesn’t have LuAnn’s back either and says that she thinks the Countess is jealous. Face it girls, you’re ALL jealous of the Countess. Except maybe Carole – but she’s definitely on whatever team she’s hanging out with at the moment.

LuAnn tells the girls she’s hiking with (Carole and Kristen) that she feels like a “disposable” friend to Sonja. Kristen plays LuAnn’s side of the fence this time. Oh my, this young lady is going to be in serious trouble after the whole cast has watched the whole season.

LuAnn reminds the girls of all the times Sonja has thrown her under the bus, including the time she attacked her boyfriend Jacques and challenged him to marry LuAnn. I’d forgotten that. Basically it’s a reminder that Sonja hasn’t been friends with LuAnn for a long, long time. I don’t think the Countess is jealous. I think she’s upset and sad that a friend she was there for in the past has turned so nasty and jealous on her.

After lunch, the ladies are split up again – half choose skeet shooting and half go rappelling down the side of a rock face.

“I figure hanging off the side of a cliff is much better than hanging around Sonja with guns,” LuAnn jokes. But I don’t blame her. I’d pick whatever activity Sonja wasn’t doing too – even if it mean learning to make possum stew. That smells better than the stink of the bullshit surrounding Sonja and Ramona. They just aren’t as cute, funny or attractive as they think they are.

But dropping down 15 stories on a rope isn’t easy for everyone and although she’s terrified, Kristen volunteers to go first. I wanted to cheer for her having the guts to do it, but her friends weren’t helpful.

First, LuAnn and Heather wouldn’t shut up so she could listen to the coaching from the instructor, and then they trash talked her the whole time she was going down. Or at least Heather did. She’s got a really mean second face too. Hmm. Somebody should tell Kristen that Heather isn’t really a true friend. You don’t do that to people you care about. Ever.

Hooray for Heather bouncing down the rocks like Spiderman, but even LuAnn had a little struggle keeping her footing on the rock face. While I’m not a huge Kristen fan, you’ve gotta give her credit for being willing to try anything once. I just wish she’d learned her lesson with Heather when they did that obstacle course with Josh’s company. Heather was bad mouthing her then too, and that was like the second episode.

Just curious how Josh feels about his longtime BFF Heather’s treatment of his wife. I’m pretty sure my husband would be completely furious.

Meanwhile, across the ranch, Sonja is striking out completely with the firearms instructor. And it’s hilarious. She insults him within 20 seconds and he writes her off as city trash. You can see on his face he’s thinking “oh God, it’s another one.”

“What’s your story Paul, when you’re not shooting guns? Do you have a girlfriend too or cousins? Everyone’s cousins here,” Sonja says to him.

“You’re not making reference to the girlfriends being cousins, are you? Because that’s a Montana stereotype we should nix,” Paul the cowboy shuts her down. He should give the other Housewives lessons on wrangling Sonja.

Funnily enough, she translates his dislike for her into Carole trying to take him away from her when he’s teaching Carole how to shoot skeet.

Would somebody please call the FASHION POLICE so they can tell Sonja it’s time to stop wearing belly-bearing cropped tops? She’s too old and even her flat stomach wrinkles.

“I haven’t shot for awhile. My ex-husband took my gun,” Sonja tells them. Gee, I wonder why. Probably because you’re totally unstable and usually drunk.

After shooting, Ramona declares herself afraid of guns. Frankly, I think the world should feel like a safer place now that we know that. We don’t have to worry about her “going Ramona” at a cocktail party. She’s dangerous enough armed with a wine glass.

The girls had a little bit to drink at lunch (some of them more than others) and their next activity – Geocaching – doesn’t go well. Most of them have never heard of it. That’s only because they don’t do anything for themselves or plan inexpensive family activities. I’m not into it myself, but my stepson and his family have been doing it for years and having a total blast.

Millions of people all over the world are Geocaching. Heck, we even have some caches here on tiny Vieques Island. So it’s fine that you haven’t done it, but it’s sort of shocking that they’ve never even heard of it.

Only Kristen is excited about this adventure, the rest of them are bitching and moaning the entire way. It wasn’t even fun to watch. The ranch hand leading them looked like he wanted to quit too.

This poor guy is so annoyed with the group of women that instead of flirting, he’s correcting their Indian naming – apparently Pocahontas wasn’t from Montana.

“We’d be dead if we were like pioneers,” Carole jokes. She’s right.

Meanwhile, Heather is hammered after lunch and hanging with Sonja misbehaving and trash-talking Kristen, her so-called dear friend. Funny, the night before she criticized Sonja for calling names at LuAnn and now she’s basically doing the same thing to Kristen. I think Kristen has it coming from LuAnn, but from Heather it’s unprovoked.

Kristen is not oblivious to what’s going on for a change.

“She’s off doing her own thing, she’s not paying attention, she’s almost rallying the girls against me,” Kristen complains. And she’s dead on target. Maybe she should have gone skeet shooting.

Ramona’s bored. So bored that she does her famous departure. “I’m going home…” and off Ramona goes. I was so glad to see her go because I didn’t want to listen to her bitch anymore.

When Kristen confronts Heather, her friend totally turns on her and bring up the rappelling again.

“Don’t do things that make you cry, it’s not worth it,” Heather says to Kristen. She could have been boosting her up for trying something that scared her but that wouldn’t be very Housewifely of her, would it?

Kristen has had enough. She worked hard to plan this trip (as badly chosen as the venue was for this group) and they’re pooping on everything she planned. Heather attacking her is the last straw.

“You’re mean and you know what else you are, you’re bossy that’s what you are… and you know why I said that to you? Because I know it pisses you off.” Kristen fights back.

Kristen tries to rally everybody to call Heather “bossy” too, and Heather defends herself as “honest” not bossy. She’s drunk and not looking too good in this scene. But the other girls aren’t going to jump in and help Kristen because Heather is scarier. Kristen’s a joke.

Heather starts screaming at Kristen for trying rappelling at all. “Don’t be so stupid – why do something that makes you cry your eyes out at the beginning and the end?” Heather is really, really being mean. They say you show your true opinions after a few drinks… Kristen, Heather is not your friend.

The most depressing part of the whole show was finding out that next week, they’re STILL in Montana. OMG, what is BravoTV thinking? It’s just more of the same.

The teaser shows the women fighting and arguing again – or should I say “still” because they haven’t stopped bickering since they landed at the airport in Missoula.

“I’ve been shit on the whole time since the moment we organized it,” Kristen says next week. Maybe that should have clued her in that the last thing these ladies need to share is solitude. But then they show her getting nasty with Heather while Heather is sober. Bad call.

I’m so sick of this dude ranch trip that I could puke, but I’ll have to tune in again to see if somebody accidentally shoots a friend in archery or pushes one off a cliff. That’s about the only thing that could make another week’s episode with the RHONY at a dude ranch interesting.


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