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Recap: ‘Real Housewives of New York,’ The Assault And Battery Edition

The Real Housewives of New York City - Season 5Assault is defined as the harmful or offensive, non-consensual touching of another. Guess what, Ramon Singer, even throwing that Pinot last week, and this week, is considered assault. And tonight, in most states you committed “assault and battery” when you lobbed that glass at Kristen’s face.

I can’t believe I’m quoting Aviva but she was right last season when she said Ramona Singer was nothing but a big old piece of white trash. Ramona proved it again tonight.

For God’s sake, am I watching “Real Housewives of New York” or did I accidentally switch to Atlanta? Not much difference anymore. Except RHOA has better ratings.

I am thoroughly disgusted. Last week, Ramona spilled the beans about Sonja’s financial crisis to ANYBODY who would listen to her. And this week, she’s attacking the same people she told for gossiping about it at a dinner. You started it, bitch. This is your fault. I wonder if Sonja would consider you her “bf” now. Then again, Sonja IS completely delusional.

Kristen did Sonja the favor of setting her up with a one-on-one with her husband Josh, who has had a lot of success with startups. Let’s face it, none of Sonja’s projects are actually a reality. She’s a lot of hot air. And she cannot take constructive criticism in any form. She lives in a parallel universe where everything is okay. She rarely leaves her townhouse now.

“She’s afraid they’re going to take it before she gets back,” Luann jokes at the dinner and Ramona gets all offended. Apparently the Pinot has burned up her brain cells and she doesn’t remember saying basically the same thing last week. Hypocrite. But we already knew that about her.

But back to Sonja’s ridiculous meeting with Josh. However long that took, those are several wasted hours of his life he can never get back.

“You’re fucking bananas,” Josh tells her to her face, not joking, after Sonja babbles on and on about her diamond line and all the things that are about to be in the stores in France. And her work with the Saudi family and her perfume line. I want some of whatever she’s smoking because she is seeing through some seriously altered glasses.

Josh tries to give her good advice. “You’re talking about a lot of different things, you actually have to DO something.” Sonja protests and lists her two zillion projects again.

“Ready to go – and in market and successful – are two different things.” Josh tells her to hire a great branding team for $30k. “Let them dictate in which order these things should happen, or not happen at all,” Josh advises. Sonja says she already has it together and has a team.

“Your team does not exist right now.” Okay Josh, didn’t anybody warn you that she’s crazy. Your intentions are FABULOUS (wanna come give me a free consult – I live on an island) but you’re talking to a wall. He tells her she’s starry-eyed about every opportunity but not completing anything marketable.

So Sonja starts defending herself. “Many girls are asking for the book.” Really? REALLY? Or are you just jealous now that you know Aviva got a book without having to do the writing and now you want one too. What would you call it? “My Public Downfall from Housewife to Whore?” Just a suggestion.

In interview, Sonja is just as crazy. And would somebody tell me why this bitch keeps referring to herself in the third person?

“There is a method to Sonja’s madness, it’s just some people lack the vision to see where I’m coming from,” she explains. No Sonja, we’re sane and you’re not so we don’t see the pretty birdies tweeting around your head that you do. Would somebody have her committed before it gets even worse? She is mentally ill and needs help. It could be something much more serious than a nervous breakdown. Do those usually come with delusions of grandeur?

Carole, meanwhile, has re-entered the dating scene. She flew to LA to see her dog (say what? Poor puppy!) and got dumped for a blind date before the guy even arrived. Via voicemail. Ouchy ouch. So she does the only logical thing a single, successful, attractive woman can do – she hires a matchmaker. Production’s idea? God, I hope so.

“I’ll try anything once, including anal,” Carole brags, and then screams at them not to use that line on the show. Pretty funny. Don’t say things you don’t want the world to hear, Carole. You know better than that. Besides, we all knew you were kinky already. That’s okay.

But back to the drama with Ramona and Kristen. Last week Ramona threw a glass of wine on Kristen in the spa (assault, fyi) and Kristen playfully splashed back from the pool, causing all hell to break loose. Tonight, Ramona lost her cool again and lobbed an actual glass at Kristen’s face, while Kristen was treading water in a pond in the Berkshires on the girls’ weekend planned by Heather. #assaultANDbattery

Ramona and Sonja have been nothing but nasty about this whole trip Heather has planned, and they bitch the entire ride up to the mountainous retreat where their hostess is busting her ass to prepare for them. Mid-ride, Ramona calls and orders an air conditioner to be delivered to the house. Rude, rude, rude. She is such a snotty bitch.

“No one vacations in the Berkshires, no one I know – no celebrities, no one famous, everyone goes to the Hamptons,” Ramona laments, but claims she’s doing it because Heather is her friend. I call BULLSHIT on that one. Ramona’s just worried she’ll miss some good drama if she stays home with what Kristen referred to as Mario the “gusband,” meaning “gay husband.”

Oooooo, what does she know that we don’t? Is that why they split? I always assumed it was because Ramona is an alcoholic fruitcake. Of course, that many years of marriage to a woman like that could easily convince a guy to switch teams.

The good news for the Hamptons is that Ramona won’t be there so everybody else can be classy and fun and not have to avoid her, right? Wrong. But we’ll come back to that.

Sonja and Ramona are really viciously rude about Heather’s Berkshires house that she’s obvious, and rightfully, very proud of. They ask her if the house is the garage. Then the delivery guy arrives to install the air conditioning.

“Ramona is already driving me nuts, and she just got here,” Heather says. But she’s funny as shit. She lets them install AC.

“Ramona is the oldest after all and you know what they say about menopause – you know OLD PEOPLE, they do like to stay cool in the summer,” Heather smirks. ROFLMAO! THAT was a really good line. And probably truer than we know.

I felt so bad for the delivery guy. When are these over-the-hill, wanna-be Housewives going to realize they aren’t sexy anymore? Just ask Mario or Harry, they’ll tell you the truth. Nobody wants to see THAT grinding on an AC unit. And fyi, that’s called sexual harassment. Again. I felt sorry for the air conditioner.

But Sonja and Aviva did the same thing to their private bartender in the previous episode, and Sonja and Ramona sexually harassed all the poor men stuck working at their villa in the Caribbean last season. This IS how they behave and they think they’re classy.

Can we please take these ladies for some etiquette lessons? I realize that the kind of lessons they need weren’t something available to them as children – cotillion tends to avoid white trash like these two. But now they’re 50 and they have no excuse. I bet Ramona’s daughter could not wait to get away and go to college. Sonja’s daughter must feel like she’s in hell. We don’t see much of her though. Does Sonja even have custody or does her daughter just avoid her the way most of the cast does? Is there room for her in the house with all those interns?

Mad props to Heather for not killing somebody right then and there, but she did it even better – she took them canoeing. Can you think of a better way to torture Ramona? Bahahaha!
Ramona opened the wine the minute she got in the boat and let Carole and Sonja do the paddling. Maybe the DTs were kicking in.

“Swimming in a pond, are you kidding?” Ramona asks. Are you trying to tell us you grew up in the country club pool, Ramona? I think not. Get over yourself.

While Heather and Kristen are swimming around, Ramona starts tattling to Sonja and Carole in their canoe about how Josh was so mean to Sonja and told everybody at the dinner party about it.

“He’s bashing you and Kristen isn’t stopping him,” Ramona tells Sonja. Thing is, they don’t realize that Heather and Kristen are in the water behind their canoe listening to everything. When it gets to be too much, Kristen splashes the girls in the canoe to get their attention.

“I was trying to help your friend, you haven’t helped her in 20 years” Kristen says to Ramona. This did not go over well. When it gets to be too much, Kristen had probably splashed the girls in the canoe to break up the tension or maybe make a point – but whatever the point was, Ramona missed it

She did not, however, miss nailing Kristen in the face with her wine glass, splitting her lip, and causing her mouth to bleed. LuAnn checks her out and says it’s going to be okay (who the hell knew Countess LuAnn was a nurse – when did I miss that part?), but the fun is over. Ramona and Sonja paddle off and get into their cars to leave the pond.

“I didn’t have water in my hand so I just threw the glass,” Ramona explains. “Was it the right thing to do? No. But just don’t mess with me.” Is this how you raised your daughter? No wonder Mario got the hell out of that house. Ramona doesn’t think there are any consequences to her actions, ever. And, if nobody ever presses charges on her, she’ll keep getting away with it.

The teaser for next week shows Ramona having a meltdown (the Berkshires remind her too much of her childhood and is she turning into her father, she asks Sonja). If her father was a violent drunk, I’d say she’s doing an excellent job following in his footsteps.
Way to go Singer!!!

But it’s all too much for this little piece of hemlock and so they show her hopping in a private plane to escape the hell of the Berkshires. I don’t know what excuse she gave the girls, but when they find out she’d gone straight to a party in the Hamptons, the rest of the Housewives are not impressed.

Truth: I feel sorry for the population of the Hamptons that weekend. Those poor people thought they had a break from her, but she’s baaaaaaaaaaaaack. Maybe she can hook up with Aviva. She needs friends. She might even be willing to bail out Ramona’s ass when somebody finally pulls up their big girl panties and files for assault. It’s time to see that woman in handcuffs.

Sandy Malone is a reality TV star, expert wedding planner, and internationally-syndicated columnist for Conde Nast's BRIDES and The Huffington Post, in addition to Monsters... read more
Sandy Malone

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