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Recap: Real Housewives of New Jersey, Tiramisu for Breakfast Edition

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Recap: Real Housewives of New Jersey, Tiramisu for Breakfast Edition

Holy Moly! Caroline Manzo and her clan have left “Real Housewives of New Jersey” to launch their own family show, and her brother and sister-in-law Chris and Jacqueline Laurita also jumped ship. Kathy and Richie Wakile and their kids have disappeared too, along with everybody’s favorite family lesbian. Rosie. OMG.

With Teresa headed off to jail in the not-so-distant future that leaves Melissa Gorga all alone. Hence the introduction of a whole new cast this season for RHONJ. Yikes! We saw it coming but I didn’t realize how BAD it would be til I saw tonight’s premiere.

The episode opens with Melissa and Joe Gorga watching the television news about how Joe and Teresa Guidice are going to jail and have supposedly just pled guilty. Melissa calls Teresa (apparently they’ve made up during this trying time) to let her know they’re available to help if needed.

Teresa is very guarded in the conversation, but maybe that’s because it’s on speaker phone in front of teenage daughter Gia. Still, Gia’s not a moron and that’s very apparent by the way she bursts into tears when she tries to talk to her mom about what’s going on after she hangs up with Tia Melissa.

Let’s face it – she’s in the loop about what’s going on and has even been the subject of nasty tabloid stories criticizing her parents for letting Gia attend red carpet events during their legal proceedings. I agree. This isn’t a young lady who should be thrust in the limelight right now. I’m thinking a small, very private boarding school in Switzerland might be more appropriate. One without Internet access and a good English grammar program.

Surprise, surprise – Caroline Manzo is gone and her sister Dina (who hates her) reappears after quitting the show a few seasons ago. She’s back to be BFFs with Teresa at her time of need. Oh, and she’s getting a divorce and wants her girl T to be her wing-man until she “goes away.”

Because that’s what Italian convicts do, right? They “go away” rather than “going to prison.” Just sounds better at family gatherings where so many people are “away” for special occasions.

FYI, before you flame me for that, I’m part Italian and I picked up the lingo from the RHONJ and “Mob Wives.”

Apparently, the relationship fix between Melissa and Teresa is real, at least inasmuch as they’re letting their daughters play together again. The cousins are taking cheerleading lessons.

“Melissa and I are in a good place. I do not want to fight anymore. I told her I’m done. I’ve got bigger fish to fry,” Teresa is referring to the trial and charges that just seem to keep adding up against her and Joe.

The biggest question in her life isn’t IF she’s going to jail, but rather, WHEN she’s going to jail. The hope is that she’ll be allowed to stay with the girls while Joe is in jail and then they’ll switch places, but with the way they’ve continued to spend money like water and flagrantly spend money through the process, odds are on the judge not showing much mercy. They don’t deserve it.

“It was hard for me to smile last year,” Melissa says. “It was getting to me because so much of it wasn’t true.” Seems like she’s still just tolerating Teresa for the “family’s sake.” Their parenting styles are definitely still different. We see it when Teresa is encouraging their daughters to twerk – and her five-year old can totally imitate Miley Cyrus.

“Both of yous twerk!” Teresa cheers them on. Ugh, that word.

“Goddddd no twerking allowed,” Melissa is horrified.

Melissa invites Teresa and Dina to go to her friend Amber’s fall harvest party on Sunday. And this is when we meet the NEW RHONJ. And let me tell you, BravoTV’s standards have dropped.

Amber is a friend of Melissa’s from high school but they haven’t been in touch in years. She wanted an education and went to college, and then went on to get her master’s degree (in gym?) and “Melissa wanted to marry money,” Amber says.

Despite the education, Amber is a trashy piece of work. Her grammar is atrocious and she thinks she knows everything which just makes her look worse.

“I control every single piece around me,” Amber brags. “All those pieces create a happy life for Amber, and a happy life for my children and a happy life for my husband.” I wonder why she talks about herself in the third person.

Also, she drinks red wine from a goblet through a straw. Six kinds of tacky. Ugh.

She got back in touch with Melissa and invited her to attend a fall festival, and Melissa invites Teresa and Dina to tag along. It also gives them a chance to meet Amber and the new freaky twins who are also now RHONJ, Nicole and Teresa. But her name is pronounced “Ter-ray-za” so it won’t be at all confusing, right? How did BravoTV find them and why did God let it happen? I think we’re being punished for watching trash television.

The other Ter-ray-za divorced and remarried her same husband, Rino, and they’re very happy. She wants the same for her twin Nicole who is recently divorced.

“A woman only needs two things – Dunkin Donuts and oral sex,” Nicole proclaims. Oh yes, she’s oozing class too. Try not to gag. I bet the men are lining up for that.

Ter-ray-sa says Amber is too intense and OCD when she gets upset that Nicole and Ter-ray-sa have invited at least 12 additional random guests to her party. Claiming that Italians believe “the more the merrier,” she’s overstepped her friendship bounds.

Unfortunately, Nicole and her twin’s guests aren’t up to Amber’s standards and she’s snarky about it when they arrive at the party. Sadly, her grammar makes her look like the foolish one. What university gave this woman a Master’s degree? For real? Bet her professors are cringing.

“I don’t know what book of etiquecy they’re reading – the Guidette book of Etiquecy? I don’t know. It’s not Emily Post for sure,” Amber says.

Oh geez. Soon the Emily and Elizabeth Post publishing empire will be paying her not to mention the doyennes of etiquette the same way Abercrombie & Fitch paid “The Situation” not to wear their clothes. Quick tip Amber: “Etiquecy” IS NOT A WORD. “Moron” is a word. Buy the damned etiquette book if you want to pretend you’ve read it.

What’s interesting is that these girls aren’t really Melissa’s friends, like I thought when I first heard Amber’s connection to her. This invitation is actually a setup. And as soon as Amber gets a chance to get Melissa alone at her party, she challenges where her friend has been for the past 10 years.

Melissa is blindsided because she arrived at the party happy to reignite a friendship.

“Amber had a vision for a life of prosperity,” Melissa comments when she sees the ginormous house. “I’m excited to reconnect with Amber. I’m curious if she’s the same Amber I used to hang with.” Reality check: she’s not.

“I want to build our friendship back up,” Amber tells Melissa when they finally have a moment alone. “Because we were close. But before we go forward, I want to talk about what happened to you… I feel like you just disappeared.”

Melissa responds that Amber did the same thing to her and Amber asks where she was when she was battling breast cancer.

“You had breast cancer?” Melissa is blown away. It’s obvious she had no idea Amber had been sick.

“How did you not know that?” Amber is really shocked Melissa didn’t know, but more than that, she seems offended. It’s weird.

“How would I even know?” Melissa asks.

“You sent me a Facebook message,” Amber claims Melissa sent a message at the time asking what she could do to help. Melissa wants to see it but Amber says it’s gone. Just makes me wonder if somebody else does Melissa’s social media or if Amber is making up the whole message thing. Either way, Melissa knows she’s being fucked with – she wouldn’t have forgotten if a close friend, even a former one, had cancer.

“I did not know, but I’m truly happy that you’re okay,” Melissa tells her. I felt sorry for Melissa. It was such an obvious blindside.

Melissa tells her friends about the cancer thing. “I don’t like to be accused of things that are not true,” Melissa says.

“I know the feeling,” Teresa sympathizes.

Why is Amber so mad at Melissa? Is it because Melissa has become a public figure and gotten everything she wanted and Amber took the educational route and hasn’t achieved as many goals? She has her children marching like little soldiers, but she can’t even throw a decent party. And that doesn’t go unnoticed by the real Teresa and Dina as they attempt to slip-slide in stiletto heels up the ice-covered walkway.

“If I would have planned this party, there would have been salt down… it’s the details people, the details,” Dina tells Teresa as they hold each other up on the walkway.

The party is a relative flop, and Ter-ray-za and her hubby Rino leave early, probably because he’s drunk and acting like a bit of an asshole.

We DEFINITELY did not need to know Rino got circumcised at the age of 27. Seriously? SERIOUSLY? Joe and Teresa weren’t tacky enough for BravoTV with their multiple indictments? Where did they find these new people? Were they “Mob Wives” rejects? Maybe they’ve agreed to be waxed on camera.

Oh dear God. If it weren’t for my enthusiasm in blogging about the legal demise of the Guidices, I don’t think I could watch this season.

“There was no atmosphere,” her husband Rino slurs as she drags him out of there before he can embarrass her even more. What a group of losers. They call themselves the “King and Queen of Little Italy.” How does Little Italy feel about that? Inquiring minds want to know.

Meanwhile, back at the manse, Teresa is working on a dessert line because, as she explains to her daughters who request pancakes and get tiramisu for breakfast, “attorney fees are astronomical so Mommy has to work.”

Dina is back but she’s a bit whacky now. Very into Zen. And bringing the cameras to her therapy appointment with a “doctor” who greets her with the words “welcome to my Zen Den.” Um, sure.

“My fear is not knowing love again,” Dina says she hasn’t filed for divorce because she hasn’t met anybody else yet. “He has his life. I have mine. And we’ll meet in the bedroom.”

The Zen doc tells her that’s a bad plan.

“So you’re telling me to go without so I get horny enough that I make the move?” Dina asks.

“That’s pretty much what I’m saying,” Zen doc tells her.

The last scene of the episode is a big family birthday party for Joe Guidice’s grandmother, complete with a large family portrait. The last family portrait was taken in 2001. While they keep saying they’re doing this for Grandma, it’s clear Joe and Teresa are preparing for the worst and want a family pic to show them when they were still at their best.

It’s total chaos to take family photo but they finally get it done and then Joe gives a big cheesy heartfelt toast to everyone.

“I love yous all,” Joe says. I couldn’t make up these grammatical errors if I tried – I just quote them. Had to use that same word earlier today when quoting JWoww in another blog. What does this tell us about the educational system in New Jersey folks?

“You never know what the future holds, but this [picture] is something that reminds Joe and I that we are surrounded by love and we are loved.” At least Teresa admits it’s not about Grandma at all.

“It’s times like these when family has to come in and get your back no matter what,” Melissa agrees.

The last thing we see is Joe’s dad telling him he’s got his back … and then his birth and death dates. Joe’s father died at Joe and Teresa’s house of natural causes at the age of 63 in June.

I don’t know what to expect next week or for this season at all. Guess I’ll have to watch and find out. Meanwhile, I’m hoping that BravoTV gives viewers the chance to vote these newbies off the island. So far, they’re just awful.

Sandy Malone is a reality TV star, expert wedding planner, and internationally-syndicated columnist for Conde Nast's BRIDES and The Huffington Post, in addition to Monsters... read more
Sandy Malone

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