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Recap: Real Housewives of New Jersey, The Tiny Little Snob Edition

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Recap: Real Housewives of New Jersey, The Tiny Little Snob Edition

Joe Gorga sticking his tongue to a frozen metal pole on tonight’s “Real Housewives of New Jersey” on BravoTV was HILARIOUS. We’ve all seen “A Christmas Story” and we all know it’s true and it hurts if you do it, but he was such a little boy that he just had to try it. And get stuck. Bet he was sore for a couple of days just tearing it off like that. OUCH!

Even though he’s goofy, I loved that he and Melissa spent Christmas day sledding with their children. I haven’t been a big Melissa fan in the past, but I like the way she parents. They’ve got some spoiled brats in that house though.

“I don’t like this small disgusting house,” Antonia announces when the family is decorating the tree. Having sold the house near Joe and Teresa so their kids wouldn’t have to go to school with their cousins (that’s EXACTLY why Melissa said they were moving on the reunion show despite her claims tonight that they just wanted to move to a new area), they’re living in a rental while they build. The rental is big – much larger than an average house anywhere. But it’s not big enough for Melissa and Joe’s children’s taste.

“Don’t say that Antonia,” Melissa tells her. But then we see an entire room filled with Christmas presents and even Joe questions the excess. I know they can afford it, but it would seem that they’re teaching these kids the wrong lessons. Otherwise, Antonia never would have said that. What a tiny little snob!

The house building is taking longer than usual because of the restrictions in the town they’re building in, and the fact they’re building in the winter. Melissa bitching about it is making Joe totally crazy.

The Guidice family decorates for Christmas like nothing’s wrong and everything is normal. But nothing is normal, no matter how they’re trying to play it. Christmas night, after their four girls were tucked into bed, they had a romantic little scene in front of the fireplace after Joe made sure the flue was opened up so they wouldn’t be “fumigated.” Scratching my head on that one. I guess they understand each other.

They had a serious conversation about their future that was a little bit telling. For months, while these indictments have hung over them, they’ve continued to party, spend money and live lavishly – even letting Gia do red carpet events for teens. And there’s been a lot of criticism in the press about how this will not go unnoticed by the judges and prosecutors.

Christmas morning was insane with gifts at their house – they spent a holy fortune on those girls. Sure, they’re feeling badly they’ve mucked up their children’s lives completely and forever, but is getting them a puppy when you might be going to jail really the best idea in the whole world? Somebody is going to be stuck taking care of those four girls – AND A PUPPY? Just a little too selfish for me.

But back to whatever world Joe is living in because it’s not reality. He’s very sweet in the way he talks to his wife, but he’s also in total denial of their situation. They should be figuring out who is going to raise those children and not bullshitting themselves.

“You know, I wish that we didn’t have these little issues that we have, but I mean um, we just gotta keep working hard, just keep moving forward, keep fighting and making money. You know, that’s what makes us the family that we are. I’m glad I have such a strong wife and I don’t have like a wife that sits around crying all the time and doing whatever because then I wouldn’t even want to come home,” Joe tells Teresa.

jpe

WAIT A MINUTE – did he really just say he wished they didn’t have these “little issues?” OMG. How many counts do you need to have for it to become a BIG issue to you people???

“Babe, we are human, you know what I mean… nothing’s guaranteed in life,” Joe continues. “If, for whatever reason, things were to turn out to the worst. And I, you know, whatever, would have to go, whatever, on vacation let’s just say… or to college they say… who’s going to take care of everything around here? Ya know what I mean?”

“We need you to be around always. This family cannot function without you. Despite what people say, this not going to be our last Christmas together,” Teresa reassures him.

Alrighty now, we all know she lives in La-La Land, but this is just ridiculous. You’re both going to PRISON, it’s just a matter of when and for how long and whether the judge shows mercy on your spoiled undeserving asses and lets somebody stay at home for the kids. I’d be more interested in seeing what they’re planning to do to take care of the kids.

And I’d like to see them saving money to pay the restitution that so obviously will be ordered instead of giving piles of Barbie dolls and new puppies to the girls. Again, surely it’s out of guilt, but it’s still inappropriate given what’s going on.

There’s a “cousins” holiday dinner where we have a brief pop in from Rosie and the Wakiles and it seems to go pretty well, but Teresa is not thrilled by receiving a gag gift of a dictionary. I thought it was hilarious. Maybe Joe can look up “fumigated” as it relates to fireplaces. Bahahaha!

Joe Guidice seemed nervous on their way to the dinner, but Teresa had an excellent point.

“We have other stuff to be stressed about but family’s the least of our worries,” she says. And she’s right. Except for figuring out who is going to raise those four little girls.
And the damned puppy. I hope Melissa likes dogs.

“The thought of Joe and Teresa having to be away for years devastates me. I want her to let me in even more. I wish she knew how much I want to be there for her through this, no matter what,” Melissa says.

There’s that “away” word again. All of these people need to familiarize themselves with the word PRISON and maybe they’ll start worrying about going there a little bit more and spend less actual time there.

You know Melissa’s gotta figure they’re going to end up with the kids when things finally go down, and she’s probably right although it will grate on Joe and Teresa no end. They’re the best choice. The Wakiles might have done it well because they’re closer to empty-nest and there would be more one-on-one time with the kids, but Richie HATES the Guidices and that would be obvious to the girls and probably too unhealthy an environment. A shame because Kathy is a great mom.

Joe and his sister have a heart-to-heart when she stops by with Dina to see where he’s building his new house with Melissa. He totally wants to be there for her and she’s not telling him a thing. At least she’s listening to legal advice on that.

“I’m not going to ask you anything – if you ever want to talk, you call me,” Joe says.

“The lawyers are handling it and that’s it,” Teresa replies, but she appreciates that her brother offers help if she needs it.

“No one could imagine what they’re going through. I don’t like to go to traffic court,” Joe in interview.

Moving on… though I’d rather not given who I have to write about next.

I have a question – if I ignore the existence of the new ladies who have joined the cast, will they just go away? I don’t see them adding squat to this show. How did they find three women trashier than all the previous New Jersey girls combined? For real.

Has anybody ever seen that sort of family fire drill like Amber and Jim did with their kids? I mean, we had fire drills in my house but our parents never said those sorts of things to us.

“Let’s talk about what you did right and wrong,” Amber starts the evaluation with the children after the drill.

“You just killed the dog,” Jim tells the kids. And apparently they didn’t yell “fire” loudly enough for his taste. “If daddy and mommy are sleeping, you just toasted us. We’re cooked, we’re baked,” he says.

“Fried barbeque,” Amber agrees.

OMG what is wrong with these people? I mean, really? REALLY? Yes, there are lots of house fires during the holidays but telling your small children that they just killed you when they don’t make the cut during a pre-Christmas fire drill is just weird and creepy.

Speaking of weird and creepy, what’s up with Nicole’s Christmas present from her boyfriend Bobby? That hideous high-heeled wine bottle holder was just in bad taste. Her mother was hilarious about it too.

“I think you went to Colt’s Neck Pharmacy for this. I’ve seen it there,” her mother busts him. #awkward

Also awkward was the supposedly once-a-week family dinner that twins Nicole and Teresa claim is traditional. I was believing that completely until her father said the blessing before dinner and implied it’s something they should be doing more often. Hmm. Something stinks here and it’s not the 20 lobsters for eight people.

Teresa and Rino are opening a new restaurant that’s going to be for their son Giovanni, at least as I understand it. But first, dad is going to teach his son the business from the bottom up, the same way he learned it. It was cool watching them in the restaurant together til Rino’s sister popped in.

Do adult brothers and sisters talk about penis position and sex in front of teenage sons and daughters like that? Was my family just a bunch of prudes? I think Rino talking to his sister like that in front of Giovanni is giving his son a bad message. And I like the kid.

Must admit I was a bit perplexed to see Giovanni live-tweeting the show tonight – how old is he exactly? Being in reality television is difficult, and he’s not going to like a lot of what he’s going to read about his parents. But I guess this is America in the year 2014 and he’s almost grown up. It’s probably going to be better than Tinder for his social life. Groan.

Nicole has been living with her parents since she separated from her husband. And apparently she and mom do quite a bit of snarking at each other.

“So are you telling me that you’re ready to move on and move out?” her mother asks. You can tell she’d love to have Nicole out of the house. But Nicole’s not going anywhere. I don’t think she has any money.

“Moving in with Bobby is not an option… why buy the cow if you get the milk for free?” Nicole asks in interview. Um, Nicole, if you’re looking for a meal ticket, you might want to lose the guy who gave you the tacky porcelain shoe for Christmas on national television. Just sayin.

“Christmas is my least favorite holiday because I’ve never had a good one in my life,” Dina is such a downer. Was she always this awful? I’m pretty sure “Namaste, bitches!” isn’t exactly the Zen her yoga instructor was going for in class.

She and her daughter throw rocks together for the universe on Christmas. A little weird but they seemed to be having fun. Lexie’s impending departure for college has Dina freaked out. Lexie doesn’t seem sad – she seems excited. Totally normal. They’re close and they’ll miss each other but Lexie will be fine. Dina? Maybe, maybe not. It’s sort of a kick in the ass to finally finish things up with her divorce.

I’m going to go back to OCD Amber for a minute because I just can’t skip the whole gingerbread house-building scene. She seems like such a good mom, when she’s around them. When she’s not, you realize she’s batshit nuts. Oh, and when she’s accusing small children of turning her into barbecue in a fire drill.

“I used to think children are disgusting beings,” Amber explains that she didn’t originally want kids. “They have snot, they have throw-up… but now I love being a mom. I put my whole heart and soul into it.” Well that’s good, cuz ya have four of them.

“I take my job as a parent very, very seriously,” Amber says. “Everything needs to be perfect and controlled for them. That’s just the type of mom I am.” God help those kids. No wonder they all flunked her fire drill and cooked mommy and daddy. She’s creepier than a Stepford wife.

But her husband apparently has some integrity because the teaser for next week shows him saying he doesn’t want to hang out with Joe Guidice because the guy is a criminal. It also shows Amber telling Melissa that Nicole is a home-wrecker, and a psychic telling Teresa that things will not go well for Joe. Did she really need a psychic to figure that out? Bahahaha! I’ll be watching.

Sandy Malone is a reality TV star, expert wedding planner, and internationally-syndicated columnist for Conde Nast's BRIDES and The Huffington Post, in addition to Monsters... read more
Sandy Malone


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