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Recap: Real Housewives of New Jersey, The Telephone Game Edition

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Recap: Real Housewives of New Jersey, The Telephone Game Edition

I’m going to have to call this one “The Night They Couldn’t Even Get the Gossip Right in The Great State of New Jersey.” Seriously.

This episode of “Real Housewives of New Jersey” on BravoTV was like watching a group of third graders (a really big circle of them) trying to play the old game telephone. And doing a really bad job of it.

Let’s start with the horror of Amber’s husband Jim showing integrity because he doesn’t want to hang out with the indicted Guidices. Turns out, he’s the president of a mortgage company and works with the state AG and the Department of Justice on some anti-fraud task force stuff and he thinks it would be a huge conflict of interest to hang out with a guy who he may be asked to help prosecute.

“Can’t do it. A, I run a mortgage bank. B, Joe has actually been indicted for mortgage fraud. I can’t be in the same room. It’s just there’s no way.” Jim explains that he also works with the DoJ. Because he’s showing integrity, I’ll let it go that he began the statement above with “let’s do the math” and then listed A and B. I hate that.

“Joe and Teresa seem like very nice people. But I’m the predator in this situation. He would be the prey. It’s a very touchy situation.” Jim is right. And I bet Joe Guidice’s attorney would tell him not to be hanging with Jimmy either. Bad combo with court coming up. Don’t need somebody hanging out too closely and seeing more of your bad side than the world has already seen. The prosecutors have more than enough to put him away already.

Bobby keeps pushing but Jim stands firm with his best buddy. “I’m not going with the guys… no freakin way.” Bobby doesn’t seem to get it. I don’t think he’s terribly bright. A nice guy, but not a smart one.

Jim made a GOOD JUDGEMENT CALL and that’s clearly why Joe Gorga is so not okay with it (as teased in a throwdown between Jimmy and Joe Gorga next week). But that’s not what has all the guys so hot and bothered about Jimmy. It’s cuz Bobby wussed out on telling them the truth about why Jim didn’t want to go bowling with them.

Instead of just telling the whole RHONJ man-clan why Jim CAN’T hang with them, he implied that Jim thinks they all fight too much and was afraid they’d fight with him. Not explaining that the bottom line is that being seen in the presence of an indicted guy is bad for his mortgage business and career in general.

I found this really warped and funny because usually it’s the women who cause bullshit gossip and rumor problems while their husbands stand there looking confused (reference every episode of “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” last season). In this case, Bobby doesn’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings and starts something entirely different instead.

These FNGs (Fucking New Guys) have got to learn the ropes because Jimmy’s wife Amber’s butt is in a sling too. For what? Gossip. Shocker!

On the way to Teresa’s product testing party (which, btw, she totally ruined by taking it over talking about her cancer and comparing it to Tre’s legal problems – say what? How did she get into college with the analogy section on the SAT?), Amber starts dishing with Melissa. She asks Melissa what she thought of the twins at her party.

“The party that they basically crashed… bringing a whole entourage,” Amber complains to Melissa. But I was there, I saw it when she told them they could bring people and they told her how many they were bringing. She bitched about it but she told them they could invite people and didn’t tell them to un-invite anybody. From the look of the party, it would have been damned empty without Melissa’s crew and the twins’ crew there.

Amber drops a bombshell on Melissa about Nicole’s former marriage.

“There was some sort of cheating going on. But what I heard that it was Nicole that broke up her family. I heard that through the grapevine,” Amber tells Melissa. Then goes on to say she doesn’t gossip in her interview. Bahahaha! Liar liar, pants on fire!

When Amber and Melissa have a “friendly” lunch, it doesn’t feel friendly. It feels like Amber wanted another opportunity to “poor little me” at Melissa because her friend wasn’t there for her when she had cancer. She can’t accept that Melissa didn’t know she was sick, as if everyone in the whole world OBVIOUSLY knew about it. Her motives for re-igniting this friendship are anything but pure.

“I kinda just wrote you off, you know, like as a cold-hearted bitch to be honest with you,” Amber says. OUCH! And her tone is accusatory.

Gotta say, she’s riding this cancer train really hard. I have a few friends who are cancer survivors and they don’t constantly talk about it – in fact, they avoid talking about it except with their closest friends. Amber wants the WHOLE WORLD not only to know she had cancer, but also to feel very, very sorry for her.

She starts telling Melissa that she was working on her career in acting and entertainment when she got sick (I call bullshit – your husband’s homemade mortgage company commercials do not count). Then she asks Melissa if she had cancer, would she rather sing or spend time with her family. Implying that she would be famous if she hadn’t chosen her family when she got sick.

Again, I call total bullshit on Amber. She’s such a liar. She constantly feels the need to justify the fact she chose to have children and be a stay-at-home mom. At one point tonight she commented that she was friends with Melissa back when life was “fun,” before the cancer and the children. Yes, she put them in the same category. Might not be exactly what she meant… but it wasn’t far from the truth.

Melissa sees right through the bullshit at lunch and tries to set some boundaries. Amber’s not getting it. But she will next week when the twins tear her apart because Melissa got her revenge.

When she was shopping with the twins, they tell her about the bowling night and why Amber’s husband Jim wasn’t there. They actually got the truth a little closer to right than Bobby, but it was still just malicious gossiping.

“Did you hear the best? How Jim didn’t want to go with the guys?” Nicole asks. She got her story from Bobby. “He does not want to be seen out with them.” She fails to explain the mortgage fraud indictment/Department of Justice connection and Melissa, predictably, flips.

“He doesn’t know my husband and he doesn’t know Joe Guidice,” Melissa freaks. Yes, Melissa, we know. People take numbers to hang out with your husband because he’s so cool. He told us that.

“He better watch himself,” Melissa threatens. What’s that about? Seriously? A threat? What are you gonna do, use your new document grinder on him? The one you were so snotty about when you thought your family was going into the garbage business. Or are you going to call out a hit on him? ROFL

“I don’t know why she actually wanted to come back into your life after she spoke so bad about you,” Nicole says to Melissa.

“It’s coming off a little drama queen-ish,” Melissa says. And then she has her moment of revenge and totally busts Amber.

“She mentioned lately about you – that maybe you had wrecked a family or you took a husband away from his wife or something,” Melissa tells Nicole. Actually, that’s not what Amber said. Not even close.

“What?” Nicole is horrified. “I don’t even know where she’s getting it from. She’s pulling it out of her fat ass.” And both twins are getting hot about it.

“I am devastated because Amber knows there have been people in my life who have hurt me. I can’t stand home-wreckers,” Nicole whines.

Now Teresa is mad about it and standing up for her sister. “I’m very protective over my twin.”

So they do the only logical thing two classy women LIKE THEM from New Jersey can do and get in the car and head over to Amber’s house to confront her and test out the strength of their fake nails. Melissa had such a triumphant look on her face when they ran out of the clothing store like their asses were on fire.

Fortunately, they wimp out. I say that’s a good thing because Amber was home with all her kids and they don’t need to witness that kind of trashy psychotic drama. But I’m not going to lie, I’m psyched to see what they teased for next week with the twins going after Amber at Bobby’s first responder party. That’s the same party where Joe Gorga goes after Jimmy. All because of a bad game of telephone. I wonder if any of them will feel stupid when they sit back and watch this.

“Let’s pull away before someone sees us,” Nicole tells her twin Teresa as they sit in front of Amber’s house, stalking. “She’s gonna have to apologize to me and I’m going to make her say it to everyone there – I’m sorry I lied about Nicole… I want to scream.”

She’s upset enough that I’m thinking maybe her husband cheated on her. Or did I hear that somewhere. Too many sordid rumors to keep track of with this cast.

Highlight of the night – Dina invites Tre over for a psychic reading with her buddy Gene. Just gotta say, I’m not sure that was a wise move. You don’t have to be psychic to see the enormous black cloud hovering over the Guidice house. Like she’s going to hear anything positive? I don’t think so.

“Tell me the latest… or should I tell you?” Gene-the-Psychic asks Teresa.

“I think you might be moving,” Gene tells her. She’s in shock and he tells her it’s going to happen and they’re probably moving into a space more appropriate for them. As in, when your husband “goes away” you can’t keep your mansion, sweetheart. The government’s going to own it. Or maybe she’s moving to a jail cell?

“I don’t want to move… I want them to always remember where they grew up” Teresa sounds terrified because she is. It’s hard to stay on the River Denial when it’s really time to start packing for Joe’s “vacation.”

“He’s going through his own hell now too,” Gene says about Joe and then asks if his father is dead. At that point he was not. Teresa even points out that her in-laws are young. Joe’s dad died in their yard in June, a few months later. Yowza.

The psychic has some better news for her, sort of.

“It doesn’t mean you’re in jail, I don’t see that,” he says. “Your husband I’m not so sure about. I feel that he’s definitely going to do some time for these charges or also pay some restitution. I don’t see him out in the clear completely.” Bahahaha! Did she need a psychic for that? Anyone who has followed the case could have told her that months ago.

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“Joe may have a hard time,” Gene tells her. Again, I’m not doubting his psychic abilities, but rather I’m laughing at the incredulity with which Teresa is hearing them.

“Why is this happening?” Teresa wails. OMG. It’s happening because you and your husband are criminals, Tre. You can’t commit fraud and steal millions of dollars from other people and companies and just get away with it. Even if you’ve been getting away with it for a long time. Not only will one or both of you serve time, but you’d better get ready for that restitution. I’m not sure Fabulicious Desserts is going to make enough to cover that. That’s a lot of cheesecake.

Next week is going to be awesome, and while I still don’t like any of the girls, I’m fascinated by the way they’ve sucked Melissa into their drama so fast. All hell is going to break loose and there’s going to be a big nasty fight and I’m going to laugh my ass off at it.

I think some of these peeps need anger management classes. Just sayin.

Sandy Malone is a reality TV star, expert wedding planner, and internationally-syndicated columnist for Conde Nast's BRIDES and The Huffington Post, in addition to Monsters... read more
Sandy Malone

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