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Recap: Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, The Paris Hilton’s Porno Edition

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All the teasers of Lisa and Brandi’s conversation didn’t even show us what really happened on “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” this week – and the real thing was so much better.

Brandi goes on a nature hike with Kyle and they do lots of talking about Lisa. Kyle’s just full of advice. And then Brandi has the brilliant idea to just call Lisa right then and there and fix things. After all, she’s not heard back on the “save the date” she sent for her housewarming party (who throws a party at a temporary condo that rumors say production is paying for?) so she might as well pick up the phone. Right?

And calling Lisa to “fix things” via speakerphone with Kyle listening is six shades of klassy. Yes, I meant to spell that with a “K.”

Ken’s there listening on Lisa’s end and they both seem a little shocked to be hearing from Brandi. Maybe Lisa had deleted her from her phone. Or Brandi’s using pay-by-the-minute throwaways now.

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“I was hoping just to get back on track with our friendship,” Brandi opens. Lisa’s reaction is priceless.

“Get back on track with our friendship, my God you’ve never actually said to me ‘I apologize for saying you’re bankrupt’… so many things that were left unsaid,” Lisa lets her have it and makes it clear things are unfinished.

“I’m manipulative. I’m a liar. I’m all those things, you know. That just doesn’t disappear overnight,” Lisa rants as only she can do. It’s like being lectured by your high school principal, but in this case, Brandi deserves it.

“If you want to sit down and talk about it, I’m happy to do that. But if you don’t, then we don’t have to,” Brandi whines. She says Lisa can’t say sorry ever because she’s “perfect,” but they both have hurt feelings and that Lisa needs to suck it up.

Lisa tells Brandi she wishes her well and they can sit down sometime, but it seems like a blow off. #ByeFelicia

“She really tried to destroy every friendship I had… I defended that girl to the point of compromising my own integrity and so did my husband. Would we go that path again? No. Hindsight is 20/20,” Lisa says in interview.

Brandi decides to blow her wad – maybe she’s showing off for Kyle, or maybe she’s just that fucking stupid.

“Listen, if you don’t want to be my friend, that’s fine. But I’m not going to kiss your ass for the rest of my life because you think you were wronged. It went both ways. I want your respect and if I’m not going to get that, I’m happy to be around you and move forward…” and her phone battery dies and she essentially hangs up on Lisa. EXCELLENT timing. “My phones dead.”

She calls Lisa back from Kyle’s phone. Dumbass. And Kyle and Brandi act surprised Lisa recognizes Kyle’s number – probably because she didn’t recognize Brandi’s. It’s not like she’s deleted everybody out of her phone. Just the people whom she wants nothing more to do with. Pretty simple stuff.

But Lisa is pissed! Two weeks before this call, Lisa and Kyle toasted to not talking shit behind each other’s backs. And now here Kyle is, obviously coaching Brandi because, as we all know, Brandi is a moron.

“I don’t bring in girlfriends to back me up,” Lisa scolds Brandi and she’s so right. #Busted

If I were Lisa, I would not be going to that trashy housewarming party. And Kyle would be back on my shit list big time.

“With Kyle, see, there ya go,” Lisa says to Ken after she hangs up.

Brandi says it takes at least 10 years to be forgiven by Lisa. Longer than that, Brandi. And considering their ages… I’m thinking you can just take that one off your bucket list.

That was the most exciting thing on the episode, other than watching Portia behave like a brat while her parents are spending almost $600 on new clothing for her for their private yacht cruise they’re flying to in their private jet. Mauricio finds his little darling’s behavior funny. Mom, not so much. Perhaps she’s heard Portia compared to Melania in New Jersey. It’s not far off – she just has better grammar.

“I’m not going to raise a brat,” Kyle says. But she is.

“Buy it!” Portia demands. “Mom buy me this!” Then she throws clothes out from under the dressing room in a fit of pique. Kyle’s embarrassed and handles it like a good mother but you’ve gotta wonder where Portia is picking this up. It’s learned behavior.

I felt sorry for Kim’s daughter Brooke when all three sisters – Kyle, Kim and their filthy-rich sister Kathy Hilton – go wedding gown shopping with her. Kathy Hilton is the most mean, opinionated aunt you could have. I don’t care how great her taste is supposed to be, she was a bitch.

Brooke wants a beachy-looking dress but Aunt Kathy tells her she looks like a cocktail waitress. Nice. Did she do the styling for Paris Hilton’s pornos? I think not. Worry about your own daughter’s lack of taste, hotel queen.

Enter Eileen Davison, Lisa’s friend the soap star. They were on “Days of Our Lives” back when Lisa’s lips were half the size they are now. Watching the clips in comparison is HILARIOUS.

“Please pay attention to me. Don’t pay attention to me. Please pay attention to me. Don’t pay attention to me. Whatever!” Eileen is hilarious talking about what it’s like being an actress. Eileen just won an Emmy and she acknowledges that she wants attention but she doesn’t – and it’s funny to watch. I think I’m going to like her.

But I’m not liking Lisa Rinna anymore, yet. Just find her to be weird. She should have taken her daughter’s advice about what to wear to her birthday party that Lisa threw at Pump because the dress she wore was butt-ugly.

“I think we both respect each other’s hustle,” Lisa says. She and Eileen toast to spending more time together because, like, they didn’t both just sign onto the same reality show or anything. Duh.

Yoyo has a couple of heartfelt scenes with her girls – and they showcase what a perfect family she has and how wonderful she is. Her mother has cancer and she’s headed over to Holland to help her for a week. It’s such a rough life, seeing her snuggle down on the bed in her private jet for the flight to Europe. Seriously?

Teasers for next week show Yoyo visiting on Kyle’s yacht after seeing her mother, and receiving a telephone call with “devastating” news. Could it be the fact that her 17-year-old daughter Bella has just gotten a DUI back home? We can’t see a timeline but I’m betting on it. Can’t wait for next week.


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