Recap: Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, The Liar And Hypocrite Edition

Was it the only way Andy could think of to ask Brandi about her obvious plastic surgery?

What the hell was tonight’s reunion all about? I agree with hundreds of Tweets suggesting this “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” reunion should have been an hour and a half tops. I was bored before they got through the whole eat-healthy-and-exercise segment they opened with.

And what was that anyway? Was it the only way Andy could think of to ask Brandi about her obvious plastic surgery? Btw, she’s such a liar. Time for somebody to make a time-lapse video of her face since she married Eddie.

I felt sorry for Joyce when she got called out for her opening line about never being “too thin” or “too young” because her explanation was honest – it wasn’t what she wanted production to use for her tagline. I understand. I never expected my primal scream therapy joke to become my tagline on TLC’s “Wedding Island.” But Joyce did say that. Which means she thinks it. Which means Joyce is, in fact, the kind of woman who judges a book by its cover. Very disappointing. Poor thing was “bullied for being too skinny.” Boohoo.

Carlton admitted she practiced “dark magic” in her youth but that it was during a dark time and ended when her mother divorced her stepfather. But she’s not entertaining Andy’s baiting jokes about her witchcraft. She’s a white witch now, regardless of what’s happening with the Richards’ sisters’ screensavers.

The whole Jewish star/Pentagram “obviously you’re anti-Semitic” battle has been overplayed and nobody wanted to watch it again. Carlton doesn’t hate Jewish people and Kyle isn’t a bigot. But they both have wicked tongues and witchy tempers so perhaps they do have more in common than they realize after all.

Kyle tells Carlton she was looking for a reason to hate her “since day one.” She accused Carlton of joining the show with an agenda and when Carlton denies it, Kyle says “You’re a liar and you’re a hypocrite.” Harsh words you can’t take back. Ouch.

The only thing they agreed on was that they will not become friends.

Brandi trying to act as an interpreter for Kyle to Carlton was hilarious. I’ve heard of Monkey-in-the-Middle, but this was Moron-in-the-Middle. Lisa gave Kyle the out she so desperately needed so she could “take it back.” And Kyle said she would take back the bigot remark if she could. But then she attacked Lisa for not having backed her up on some blog after the incident occurred. I think you girls need to stop reading each other’s blogs, and your own media.

“The anti-Semitic remark is such a huge horrific label to throw at anybody,” Carlton says. Kyle wants to keep arguing but Carlton shuts her down. “I don’t hate you. I’ve disliked you.” When Kyle starts up again, Carlton says “Oh be quiet.” Hilarious.

The montage of the women with their children was a nice transition while the RHOBH dismounted their brooms. I’ve seen Kim boohoo about Kimberly going away too much already, and Gigi’s apartment makes me green with envy, so I’m going to leave that whole thing alone. Was impressed the kid is paying her own NYC bills, but I’m sure her parents are helping out a little. She’s a college freshman. They should be if they’re able – and Yolanda and her ex are definitely able. Glad to hear both girls are doing well at school.

Brandi’s kids can’t be on the show but they can be photographed with her ex. What’s up with that? I agree it would humanize her if we could see her with her children. Either that or it would be the final nail in her coffin and Child Protective Services would put an end to the custody battle. I hope she doesn’t like her wine so much when she’s around the kids.

Kim and Lisa’s fight about Lisa missing Kimberly’s graduation party was ridiculous. End of story, Lisa and Ken RSVP’d “no” to the party and they certainly don’t owe anybody an explanation if they got back to town early and had to go to work. That’s what Sur is, Kim. It’s Lisa’s job. One of many. You might not be familiar with that.

They especially owe no explanation to Kim, who admittedly, has missed the past few years of her life due to addiction. And takes abso-f**king-lutely no responsibility for it. Kim accused Lisa of not being supportive for anybody after claiming that she’s supportive of all of them.

“That really pisses me off,” Lisa says. And then she brings up an example of a her phone call to Kim before Puerto Rico regarding Kim’s son Chad supposedly having broken his leg, and it gets freaky. Sounds like Chad got into trouble or something and Kim is saying she wouldn’t have trusted Lisa with that information. I wonder what happened.

Lisa defended Ken to Kim and put her in her place. Kim has no man, but she has plenty of opinions about Lisa’s. Her words were hurtful and Kim acknowledged that. But on the reunion, she gave a backhanded apology… as in “I’m sorry I said that but he’s mean” or something like that. Lisa finally silenced her. “Stop talking s**t behind his back when he’s not here!”

Kim was upset that Ken had made a snarky “has she been drinking again?” remark when she melted down in Puerto Rico. Thing is, Kim… we were all wondering the same thing. What are you on? You go from happy to the point of ridiculous and not making sense and then the waterworks start up again. Are you bi-polar? Look, I know you want to jumpstart your entertainment career girl, but get your meds sorted out first. This is painful to watch. I used to be a fan. The “Witch Mountain” movies were my favorite as a kid.

The only thing Lisa and Kim seemed to agree upon is the unlikelihood they’ll end up as besties any time soon.

Joyce, Yolanda and Kim have all been victims of some sort of home invasion attempt type of thing or worse, but we don’t learn much about it because Lisa hijacks the moment with a dumb story about Ken defending their house in France in his underwear, with a gun that shot ping pong balls. And for one second I thought it was going to get interesting. Thanks Lisa.

Brandi calls herself a “white version of the Jeffersons. And I’m moving on up.” Somebody gave her another book contract. Keeping those ghost writers busy and employed – good girl! She tells us that she suffers terribly from depression and when Andy jokes about her anti-depressants, she announcing her prescription and dosage to the world – 10 mgs of Lexapro. And not for the first time, apparently. I wonder if she got paid for saying that. Can you do that? (Taking mental notes.)

But things are looking up because she made up with her daddy and she’s got her happy pills, and for those who might judge her, Brandi has a really classy response – “I’m not in the bathroom doing cocaine. I’m not in the car smoking pot. I like my wine. It is what it is.” Yolanda defends Brandi’s depression but not her drinking. But she gets in Joyce’s face for not being empathetic to Brandi.

Joyce thinks Brandi needs rehab. Getting drunk and showing your “private parts” is a sign there’s a problem. Turns into a bitchfest about who calls the media – say what?

Brandi declares “I have never in my life called paparazzi.” Blames the paps on Eddie Cibrian and not the RHOBH. Says it’s not in her make up to call the media for herself. Show of hands for anybody who believes her? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

When the subject of Brandi’s two-faced response to the hug-fest making up with Joyce comes up, Brandi looks like a #MeanGirl. “I didn’t want to hug someone who called me disabled.” What? I must have missed that. I’m sure I can think of several disabilities Brandi might suffer from, but I’m wondering what Joyce said to her. Somebody tell me!

Maybe I’ll find out next week, but I doubt it. They’re busting out the husbands, and then we get to watch Brandi cry about how sad it is that Lisa and Ken have dropped her ungrateful lying ass. I’ll watch it just to see Ken stomp on Brandi – she deserves it. But I’m ready for this season of RHOBH to be over.

Hey BravoTV – next week throw in a new twist and let all of America vote somebody off the island. Because, let’s face it, you cannot bring back this same crew next season since nobody is speaking to each other anymore.

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