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Recap: Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, 100 Percent Chemical-Free Edition

“I say stupid things a lot” could have been the title of tonight’s “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” Reunion Part 1 because Brandi was right, half of what comes out of her mouth makes me want to smack her. Even funnier was her admission “I tell everyone everything unless they tell me not to.” Duh. Like we didn’t know that already.

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Recap: Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, 100 Percent Chemical-Free Edition

I do think Brandi’s most memorable line of the night actually came from a teaser though, when she swears she’s never called the paparazzi in her life – I call bullshit on that one! Her defense of having made racist remarks to Joyce about black people not being able to swim was that she’s not a racist because her ex-husband is Cuban. Really? Does anybody else just want to put a muzzle on her? But we’ll come back to Brandi… because we don’t have a choice.

Did anybody else notice that the only Housewife nobody fucks with is Carlton? My husband is positive it’s because they’re all afraid she’ll put a spell on them. I laughed when he said it, but when Carlton told Joyce to “shut up” when she was interrupting her, Joyce actually shut up. I didn’t think that was even possible. And she didn’t get mad about it either.

I was fascinated to find out the one thing Carlton was really irritated about this season was Brandi blabbing to Lisa about hooking up with Carlton in the jacuzzi. She felt like it wasn’t the appropriate way for her children to find out she kisses girls, and Brandi took a crack at her, saying that the way she behaved with her children’s nanny, she didn’t think she’d care. Ouch! Spot on. Score one for Brandi… but she didn’t get many more.

Moving on to the most bizarre montage of the night, I’d like a show of hands from anybody who actually believes that Kim is 100 percent chemical-free these days? Seriously? Did you watch that shit? The best were the expressions on Kyle’s face in the little box where you could see her watching. She had that “OMG not again” look on her face.

I’m glad Kim is happy. I’m glad Kim is “kooky.” I’d also like to know if she’s taking advantage of the medical marijuana laws in California to stay so happy and kooky. Did you see her fall right off the stool in interview? I’m guessing it was when she was doing her impression of Lisa fainting, but it wasn’t edited that way.

They showed her waving her arms around, babbling incoherently at times, and generally appearing confused. For real? What is she on? If a cop pulled her over and she acted her new “normal,” they have no choice but to breathalize her ass. She’s acting completely insane. No wait, she’s acting like she’s on something. Perhaps something new and different since she can keep her eyes open now, but somebody is giving that woman some very good happy pills.

Not going there with the damned dog obsession. I love my dog too. But I’m pretty sure that if Kim’s not careful, Kyle’s right and Kingsley will eat her sister’s face one night when she’s sleeping. Won’t be the dog’s fault.

While we’re on the topic of Kim, what’s up with the stop, drop and pray at the trash can? C’mon Kim, can you really get mad about people laughing at you? People pray all the time without making a scene for television cameras. Your unfortunate selection of a trashcan to pray on made it funnier, but what were you thinking? I get it, you needed a minute to be with God. I bet hanging out with this group would drive any alcoholic to call their sponsor. But you’ve gotta find a better place to pray or risk taking some shit for it.

Lisa was hilarious. “Suddenly she’s praying with all the cameras and it’s by a trash can and I just thought what on earth is she doing?” Kim was very, very offended by that comment and Lisa tried to explain herself. “I’ve never seen you drop to your knees and pray.” Neither have the rest of us. Kyle looked just as baffled as everybody else.

At this point, Kim (who has apparently found God very recently and only needs Him near trash cans in airports) informs Lisa – “If I need Him, I’m going to call on Him wherever I am.” The sentiment and the words are right, but I’m questioning the sincerity. Keep working those steps girl. And let the rest of us know what’s making you so “kooky.”

Kyle didn’t really have that much to say tonight, but the random pieces of glitter on her face are bugging the shit out of me. Do we have to watch that for three weeks? She got really into the “Dream Team” discussion though. And now that I’ve seen the show and the conversation at the reunion, I am more convinced than ever than Yolanda is a mean petty little witch. Kyle is totally right. Who makes up teams? #MeanGirls

Who invites people to dinner and then puts special hearts on half of the placecards and calls those people her “Dream Team,” totally insulting everybody else who was there? Oh wait… was Yolanda out of her mind with Lyme disease then and we’re supposed to cut her slack?

Let’s just talk about the elephant in the room – Yolanda is upset she’s not gotten enough love and attention as she’s suffered through Lyme disease. She keeps making the point that she only had one-fifth of her brain function and that it might have made her a little meaner and grumpier, but then she turns around and defends her actions. So which is it Yolanda? Do you have your brain back now? When were you suffering like that? On camera all we saw was the “Mean Girl” causing trouble from all directions.

Need some examples? Who started the conversation about Kyle not having any friends that got Lisa in so much trouble? Yolanda. Who told Brandi they shouldn’t let things go with Lisa after Puerto Rico? Yolanda. Who brought up the Lisa problem with the “hair flip” to Joyce at lunch after that was over and done with? Yolanda again. But she’s not playing favorites – she’s mean to everybody in turn.

I was proud of Lisa for standing up for herself and reminding Yolanda that she had, in fact, visited and called a number of times during her illness. She’s repeatedly made the point to all of these women that she’s “struggling to stay afloat” and she apologized for not being there. But really, with two reality shows, multiple restaurants and God knows what else going on, does anybody really blame Lisa for missing the painting party? I’m not even going to waste the space to write about that argument. Get over it Yolanda.

When Yolanda looked at Joyce on the reunion show and said “I would hate to be married to you,” was that the real Yolanda talking, or the one-fifth of a brain Yolanda talking? Cuz that was a really mean and nasty thing to say to any woman. And it was uncalled for and out of context for the conversation. Where did it even come from?

Yolanda has really stirred the pot in the Lisa and Brandi controversy. She causes trouble and sits back and enjoys. Guess that’s how she kept herself entertained during her recovery. But are we supposed to give her a free pass because of this brain thing? Before tonight I would have been inclined to say yes. After tonight, it’s a resounding no. She was vicious.

Joyce took a lot of guff tonight from a number of directions, but Brandi was definitely channeling her inner RHONY Ramona when she started chanting about “Sochi’s calling.” Cheap shot at Joyce’s outfit is the best you can do, Brandi? Quick tip: When you have to resort to attacking somebody’s appearance, you have no argument. So just shut up. Plus, you looked like a cheap hooker tonight. Bad, bad hair. And we have to look at that for three weeks too. Yikes! It’s sad because she really is pretty under all that bad taste.

But Brandi couldn’t shut up tonight. In fact, every time Lisa tried to answer a question, Brandi interrupted. Andy Cohen kept her under control, but the cameras showed how big a tizzy she was having because she couldn’t have her say every time a random thought flew through her head (lots of space up there for navigation).

Was there anyone who didn’t agree with Lisa that Brandi has taken the whole “Ken is my boyfriend” thing a bit too far? I think Lisa described the situation accurately – she jokes about it because she’s uncomfortable with it. Compliment my husband once and I’ll say thank you. Twice and I’ll suspect you.

And none of that joking Brandi did about Lisa’s current health problems was funny. Hey Brandi, you’re the one who is always making cracks at Lisa’s age – she admits she’s having health problems and has to be careful so she doesn’t pass out and you bust out laughing! OMG. “I’ve got the paddles” was not a compassionate response.

This is one of those times your mother warned you about Brandi. If you can’t say something nice, say nothing at all. The other women had the class to look concerned for Lisa and horrified by Brandi.

Was Brandi really taking pot shots at Joyce’s husband’s looks when she’s as single as it gets? Did that really happen? Have you seen some of the losers she’s got escorting her around? I’m not a huge Michael fan but at least he exists and loves his wife very much. You have huge balls to comment on somebody’s marriage, Brandi. Sure, Eddie was smoking hot. Look where that got you. Are you paying him alimony yet?

I’m going to resist the urge to comment on the bikini waxing scene (again???), the conversation about Michael’s penis (really Joyce? Your mother raised you better than that!), and the fact that Brandi’s tampon string was yet again a topic of conversation – even I have my limits. But I hope when these women watch themselves they’re as mortified as I am embarrassed for them.

The teasers for Parts 2 and 3 of the reunion (c’mon Bravo, were three really necessary? I better see some earrings coming off to justify this time suck) show significantly more drama. Carlton is going to tell somebody “You are just trash.” Who??? Betting it’s Brandi. Oh damn, that’s too easy.

And Brandi is going to go all boohoo on Ken and Lisa because she thought they were her friends and she misses them so much. Is she kidding? She’s done nothing but make their lives hell for months. She wants to know who Lisa would pull out of a burning building, her or Scheana. Anybody else wanna take bets on Scheana with me? Give it up Brandi. Lisa’s already tried to save you from yourself how many times?

Lisa is not your mother. She is not your family. She is not your friend. And she and Ken hate you now and they always will. So suck it up and deal with the consequences of your own actions. While Lisa is far from perfect, you have been a royally ungrateful bitch to her and you’ve set her up repeatedly, on camera. She doesn’t have to see through you – she has watched you. Now go back to whatever little trailer you were supposed to be in before your first husband had the misfortune to meet you.

Finally, did anybody else see Brandi throw Kyle under the bus when Lisa called her out for telling “RadarOnline” that Lisa had declared bankruptcy and lived in the valley? None of it is true according to Lisa, but Brandi clearly got her deets from Kyle and, like a bad game of telephone, screwed it up. I’m thinking Brandi should stick to buying tabloids and tipping off the paparazzi rather than giving media interviews.

It’s going to get juicy next week. If Brandi keeps naming names and running her mouth, she’s going to get destroyed. You can’t have a battle of wits with an unarmed person, yet Brandi continues to start wars totally unprepared. I can’t wait.


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