Recap: Real Housewives of New York, The ‘Everybody Hates Aviva’ Edition

The Real Housewives of New York City - Season 5
Recap: Real Housewives of New York, The ‘Pick Up The Poop’ Edition

A 45 minute preview??? Seriously? It was like watching a whole episode of the Real Housewives of New York on fast forward – and it had its desired effect because I cannot wait for the season premiere! New girl Kristen isn’t going to lay low, Sonja’s still a slut, Ramona is going to freak out, and everybody hates Aviva. Whee!

Gotta say up front, I do not like the new RHONY opener. It’s bad. No, really. I think Aviva’s joke about her leg is in poor taste, as is Sonja talking about going “commando” – has she gotten a tramp stamp yet? And why in God’s name would Kristen ever call herself a moron for her introduction? Those sound bites are recorded in post-production, it’s not like she said it and they grabbed it and used it to make her look bad. She read it off a cue card. OMG. Honey, you’re the FNG (f**king new girl) on this show – don’t you want to be taken seriously?

The flashbacks on last season were extensive, but that’s because BravoTV doesn’t want us to forget how heinous it got last year. Between Sonja and Ramona sexually harassing the villa staff in the Caribbean to Ramona and Aviva’s legendary lunch where Aviva finally said what everybody else has been thinking – “Well you can’t do without alcohol.”

Aviva’s famous “white trash” remark to Sonja and Ramona gets re-played several times to demonstrate why they hate her so much, but it isn’t really necessary because it’s pretty obvious that she’s fighting with EVERYBODY. And I mean everybody. At least Lisa in Beverly Hills still has Carlton. For now.

Carol says she’s been distancing herself since Aviva misbehaved at her book party last year. Plus Aviva has apparently been telling people that Carol had somebody ghostwrite her book – and when she gets busted this season, it looks like it’s gonna get ugly. Carol won’t hesitate to fight back and play mean if she feels she’s been wronged.

We already know that Heather doesn’t like Aviva. Aviva would have been really smart to buddy-up to FNG Kristen real fast – but that’s obviously NOT what happened. One of the worst clips of the night was Aviva snarling at Kristen over a play table in some children’s venue, flanked by the toddlers. When Aviva told Kristen to “SHUT THE F**K UP” with the kids right there, I had to back it up and make sure I’d seen what I thought I had. She is clearly losing it.

And what’s with the clip of the huge WWE-style RHONY throw-down at the end where they show Aviva losing her leg? How the f**k did that happen? These girls aren’t cruel enough to take her leg, so I’m guessing an umm wardrobe malfunction? OMG how horrifying for Aviva. I don’t like her, but nobody deserves to have that happen.

I don’t even want to see the episode where Aviva visits where she lost her leg and almost died. I’m sad to see they’re including it. Seems… out of place. Like a cry for sympathy. I feel terrible about Aviva’s leg, but that doesn’t make her any less of a bitch or any more of a sympathetic character. Just sayin.

With that said, I was also disappointed to see Heather’s son’s hearing loss featured on the show. I thought she had more sensitivity than that. I guess I’ll reserve final judgment til after I’ve seen it all, but you would think she could discuss the problem and how she feels about it without actually bringing a camera crew in while the doctor is telling her bad news about her child’s health. In front of her little boy.

Apparently Heather is going to be a little more interesting this season. How funny was it watching her torture the photographer during the shoot for Carol’s author photo? I want to hire her to work for me. She’s a freakin pit bull. Sounds like she’s the one who invited Kristen into the fold, but by the end of the preview, I was betting she regrets that.

Kristen calls Heather out for being bossy, and says she bosses her husband around too and that he’d probably agree with her. It looks like that gets nasty and continues as a theme throughout the season. Wow, Kristen… talk about biting the hand that feeds you. I hope you’re not as dumb as you claim to be or you’re going to be eaten alive. By all of them.

Carol’s coming out of her shell and dating this season? Apparently she broke up with Russ and they’re not on friendly terms (which is totally normal in my book – why would you break up if you still liked each other?). I applaud the new, something-other-than-the-widow Carol. That horse is dead. It’s been awhile now and she’s got plenty of talent in other areas. But I’m a little concerned about her judgment – was that a clip of ass-waxing they showed? Reminiscent of “Vanderpump Rules?”

Ladies – and I use that term loosely – stop taking the cameras with you for your person hygienic maintenance. Honestly! Nobody wants to see your landscaping in progress. Yuck. Have you no dignity whatsoever? I don’t care how good your bod is – we don’t need to see that.

Speaking of wax – could anybody else have gone their entire life without finding out Aviva’s dad met his new sweetheart when he went to her salon to have his “scrotum waxed?” OMG OMG OMG double YUCK! And it looks like he’s going to propose to her on the show. I’m sure her parents will be thrilled.

While we’re on inappropriate topics, let’s talk about Sonja and Ramona’s relationship and behavior. I mean, I have girlfriends who I act silly with, but I don’t jump into the shower with them. Ever. You have to wonder if that friendship played in to the demise of Ramona’s marriage, which btw, I would have given my eye-teeth to watch go down on camera. What a disappointment! Guess she sobered up long enough to wait to file until production ended. Did anybody else notice how fast he was out of there after their daughter left for college? If he cheated, Mario’s a bastard. But even so, he already got a sainthood medal for staying with that psychotic lush for so many years.

Ramona must be a mess because the preview indicates the end of bff-dom for her and Sonja. And Sonja’s snarkier than usual about Ramona in her interviews, saying “She needs to get a hobby or spend some time with Mario, or walk your own dog. Maybe she should start walking her own dog. And relax.” Bahahaha! Yes, Ramona. Try walking your own dog. Don’t forget to pick up the poop, please.

Harry is going to come back as a far more relevant character this season cuz he just can’t seem to keep his hands off of the RHONY. Any of them. He’s divorced from Aviva, and has had physical encounters with several of the girls. But now he’s playing with Sonja’s head and if she wasn’t such a pathetically desperate human being, I’d laugh about it. But it’s sad.

Sonja is so excited when she tells Ramona that Harry planted a big kiss on her lips so she thinks he wants to “stir the embers again.” Of course, Ramona’s just as snarky in interview because she professes the belief that Harry won’t buy the cow for obvious reasons. He’s a businessman. Why pay for it? Nobody else does. But damn, that’s still a harsh thing to say about your best friend. Shut up and go walk your dog, Ramona.

No seriously, it’s bad. Sonja is going after every penis that walks by and it’s pathetic to watch. Carol made me laugh when she said you can’t tell the difference between Sonja’s interns and boyfriends. “I didn’t know whether she was dating him or adopting him.” Bahahaha! Watch it Carol, you’re back in the fishpond.

There’s a clip where Harry gives Sonja a ring that he bought for her, but it’s unclear what kind of gift it is – it looks like a big-ass cocktail ring and not an engagement ring. Sonja is clearly taking it seriously. Til she wakes up one morning on yet another epic RHONY trip together to find out that LuAnn has jumped in a taxi with Harry and taken off. Guess he finally decided which one he wanted. But damn, that had to be humiliating. You may as well start wearing panties again Sonja.

FNG Kristen describes Sonja and Ramona as reminding her of her “crazy drunk aunts.” I don’t think that’s a compliment. But it was funny. Did you see that scene on the Berkshires trip when Ramona gets all freaky about her childhood on a walk with Carol? Later, they confront Ramona about her master manipulation of their girls’ weekend away (I’m dying to see what actually happens). Ramona freaks out full blast, acts like a nut job, and Carol cracks up right in front of her. Really, Ramona, haven’t you watched your little freak-out meltdowns from previous seasons and seen how unattractive they are? You look like you need to be committed. Gotta find a better way to express yourself.

All that behavior does is bolster what Sonja says to Ramona during a screaming match teased near the end of the preview. “You couldn’t handle a day in my life Singer, you would fall apart.” #truelife

Not that Sonja is a good example of anything – one of her own business consultants had to give her the reality check that she no longer has a “team” working on all her business initiatives. He summed it up quite simply with “You’re f**king bananas.” Yep, smart man.

I’m honestly sad that LuAnn won’t be in three of the episodes, but Kristen looks to be filling her gi-normous shoes (take that however you want). No really, they show us her perfect family – and it looks so good and I’m like “wow, maybe somebody balanced on the show.” And then before the preview is over, she and her husband are at each other’s throats.

Hint for Kristen: Most people don’t start marriage counseling on camera. Production only last a few months. Couldn’t you wait? I mean, how solid were you two before this thing started? In the preview, he says to you “Why do you think I don’t come home? There’s never food on the table.” Ouch honey. That’s not a happy man.

Was it really a good idea to sign up for a reality show at this point in your marriage, Kristen? I can ask these questions because my husband and I have faced the same dilemmas, knowing that anything we did could be exposed on television. Not that we have anything to hide, but you think about this before you sign a network contract to give up your privacy. If you know your marriage is in trouble, do you really think putting it under a microscope for all of America is the best route to go? I’m just asking the question.

Speaking of questions… I’ve got a bunch of them because there were so many little bitty clips that I couldn’t quite interpret.

– What did Ramona throw at Kristen in the lake that sent her to the hospital? Wine glass? WTF?
– What’s up with the farting on camera? C’mon ladies… you’re making the “Basketball Wives” look good.
– Was that really Sonja hiding her vibrator and did we need to see that?
– Who collapses/falls over at the table? Is that Sonja? It’s a blond.
– Why do Sonja’s teeth fall out, apparently on a regular basis?
– How does Aviva lose her leg during the smackdown at the party?

Last observation before I sign off – I saw a preview clip recently that showed some of the RHOBH and the RHONY having a meal together – are we doing some crossover here? What’s the plan? I’m curious. And I’ll be watching both shows til I figure it out. I’m not sure that’s a safe combination regardless of what coast they’re filming on!

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