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Recap: Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, ‘Kyle was a mess’

Lisa Vanderpump summed up the recent season of “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” best in the finale when she quoted George Bernard Shaw: “Never wrestle with a pig because you get dirty. And what’s more, the pig likes it.”

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Lisa Vanderpump summed up the recent season of “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” best in the finale when she quoted George Bernard Shaw: “Never wrestle with a pig because you get dirty. And what’s more, the pig likes it.”

These RHOBH women have been behaving like animals – hyenas come to mind – all season long. I’ve previously made the “Mean Girls” comparison but these women could teach lessons in it. Watching them gang up on Lisa and Ken at the 100th Anniversary Party for Beverly Hills was really disturbing. Even though we saw it coming, it was worse than the previews

Anybody else notice how Brandi, Kyle and a few others got nice and plastered before they tried to “talk” with Lisa and Ken about the scene in Puerto Rico? I’m sure that was helpful. What sucks is that Lisa is the only established Beverly Hills business woman in the group (Kyle’s venture is super new) and the rest of them ruined the whole event for her. She stayed longer than I would have.

Before we analyze what went down at the party, can we note how bad that party looked? I’m mean, the appetizers were fancy looking, but the venue wasn’t even one-quarter full. The pool deck of the Beverly Hilton isn’t THAT big, but the huge TV screen toting the name of the event just made it all look sorrier.

Not sorrier than the site of a bunch of middle-aged women doing a bad job taking tequila shots at something that’s supposed to be a “classy” affair for the rich and famous. Was the party that boring? Wasn’t Kyle the chair of the event? Why was it so empty? Was it a production event for the show, or were the tickets so expensive that nobody else could afford to attend? I dug around online and couldn’t find a price. Perhaps it was by invite only to members of the Chamber. And if that’s the case, where were the rest of the members.

From the moment Lisa and Ken walked through the door, it was on. The other RHOBH got there early and sucked down a few cocktails for courage. Yolanda worked to prep the troops. It wasn’t pretty.

First up, Yolanda and Joyce chastise Lisa, separately, for leaving Puerto Rico early. Then Kim apologizes to Ken for calling him a “grumpy old man,” and Ken thanks her and accepts. But apparently he didn’t do it well enough for Kim who stalks off in a snit that they didn’t hug her and welcome her back with open arms.

Brandi tries to convince Carlton that Lisa is inherently evil, but being a witch, Carlton is not impressed by the slurring Brandi’s compelling arguments. It’s hard not to be. She’s got such credibility.

Kyle approaches Lisa and Lisa reiterates her innocence and tells Kyle that she’s over it. If Kyle doesn’t believe her, Lisa doesn’t care anymore. Lisa had already written off all of these women before attending this obligatory event. When Lisa points out she defended Kyle when the Mauricio cheating scandal broke and Yolanda and Brandi attacked her for it, Kyle calls it “too little too late.”

The one thing abundantly clear here is that NONE of these women want to make up with Lisa. They want to pounce on her, humiliate her, and force to her to own up to something she’s already denied. Didn’t Carlton say she was there when this so-called magazine incident allegedly went down and that she didn’t see it happen? Why is nobody listening to that? When did Brandi get so much credibility?

Btw, Brandi needs to get the fuck over the Scheana thing with Lisa. Scheana has worked for Lisa longer than Brandi has been on the show – should Lisa have fired a loyal employee because of the bizarre connection with a new RHOBH? No. She could have used better judgment about rubbing it in Brandi’s face, but what does she really owe to Brandi? C’mon, Lisa and Ken have been kind to that trampy witch for a long, long time.

“I was a good friend, not only that, but a supportive friend. Who listened to her. Who supported her even when she did things that I totally didn’t agree with. Totally supported her. And this is how she repays me?” Lisa laments about the death of her friendship with Brandi. But it’s clear she’s done done done. And in the teaser for next week’s reunion, Brandi’s a hot sobbing mess. As much as she hates Lisa now, she still wants to be part of her life. “It’s not nice to be dropped” she wails when Ken tells her he wants nothing more to do with her.

Mauricio approached Ken to talk through things at the party. Again, the timing is questionable since Mauricio is drunk, but it starts out okay. Then Lisa joins them. She hasn’t even said a word when Brandi and Yolanda swoop in to cause trouble. It’s like nobody is allowed to talk without an audience. Yolanda attacks Ken out of nowhere and Ken and Mauricio end up having to walk away to have a conversation.

The ladies continue bickering but, away from the girls, the guys talk it through and make up with a hug. Ken swears on his life “My wife wouldn’t do that.” Mauricio says he believes him.

Kyle was a mess on tonight’s episode. First, she should be embarrassed by that poorly executed party. But second, she literally chased Lisa around the venue begging for what? She wouldn’t listen to Lisa. So Lisa tells her she’s done. And she is – she’s completely cutting ties with the dead wood. It’s obvious. She says more than once during the evening “I’m not going to do this anymore” and “I can’t do this anymore.” The other girls either aren’t hearing her or taking her seriously. The preview for the reunion looks like a few of them are going to get reality checks that there is no love lost anymore and nothing can be fixed at this point.

Did you catch Yolanda’s almost physical altercation with Ken? She got really nasty and aggressive with him. She’s so mean. But Ken got her good. When Yolanda bitched that her husband would never intercede the way Ken does, he takes a shot at the fact her husband David never attends anything. #truelife

Yolanda flips out and makes a public scene, proving that, to borrow another porcine reference, you can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig. “I’m a very intelligent woman,” she rants. “He called me stupid again!” Yes, yes he did. Now Yolanda, step back and rewatch the episode and you’ll understand why. You keep sticking your nose in where it doesn’t belong, stirring up trouble. And it’s all on film. If these women can’t see the way you’ve manipulated them, they deserve what they get.

Finally, Lisa and Ken walk out of the event… with Kyle still chasing Lisa. No really, Lisa literally had to shake her off to break free and get out of there. Weirdly, Kyle had an eerie sort of smile on her face watching the back of Lisa disappear. Sort of smug and satisfied. I thought she was so hurt. Instead she looks like a bully who made the nerdy girl go home from the party. Kyle is playing the victim but she’s the one who chose to follow Yolanda and not believe an old friend who has been there many times before.

“Stop and talk means ‘I’ll have a go at you,’” Lisa explains.

The season wrap up announced the exciting news that Yolanda and David are moving to Beverly Hills proper. From that amazing house in Malibu with the cliff garden view and all the stuff she grows. That’s a lot to give up for more reality TV airtime, Yolanda. Just sayin.

And Carlton is apparently still doing magic – she returned the skull necklace to Kyle, who gave it to Joyce, who left it on her front porch (why???), and from there it disappeared. Couldn’t possibly be theft. Must be witchcraft. I always leave my jewelry on my front steps, don’t you?

What was up with that short boob grabbing scene in the middle of the party? Kyle was literally feeling people up, and she wasn’t the only one. How wasted are you people??? It was so trashy. Almost like a bunch of women with plastic boobs comparing whose boobs feel for more real. It was pretty horrendous. Basic etiquette says you should avoid squeezing other women’s breasts in public, regardless of how curious you may be.

The award for most hypocrisy in the season finale goes to Brandi for telling Lisa “You have to be honest with yourself at some point.” Careful Brandi. Glass houses and all that. Lisa’s got a much more secure foundation than you do. If it wasn’t obvious before, Brandi reinforced her lack of class with the whole hooker look she’s sporting for next week’s reunion show. What’s with the hair and the shoes? Mostly the shoes – we’re used to Brandi having bad hair.

Brandi gets in screaming fights with most of the cast at some point during the reunion – and I can’t wait to see it. Lisa lets her have it. “If I’m so imperfect, and you’ve got all these grievances about me, why do you want to be my friend?” Exactly. What’s your problem Brandi? Afraid there’s nobody to call and bail you out when you inevitably get DUI or do something else equally stupid? Lisa and Ken were her safety net for too long and they’ve gotta be thinking “good riddance to bad rubbish.” Literally.

But Brandi and Lisa aren’t the only nasties on the reunion. Joyce is mad about some of the girls’ blogs. And she attacks Brandi. “You’re trying to act like a lady, but it’s just coming out of your pores.” True that.

Then Carlton calls Kyle a “bigot.” And she tells Joyce to stop talking about her husband’s big dong. Joyce continues to sing its praises like it’s the only happy thing in her life. Maybe it is. I truly hope Brandi’s got enough Xanax in her bag for everybody or we may actually see bloodshed next week.

Sandy Malone is a reality TV star, expert wedding planner, and internationally-syndicated columnist for Conde Nast's BRIDES and The Huffington Post, in addition to Monsters... read more
Sandy Malone

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