Recap: Marriage Boot Camp, The Epileptic Mermaid Edition

jim-and-elizabeth-carroll-wetv-marriage-boot-campSo you know that tonight’s season finale of WEtv’s “Marriage Boot Camp” picked up in the middle of the big house fight that was starting just as they left us hanging last week. To refresh everyone’s memories, the girls are HOT the boys came home happy and drunk (equally pissed about both, btw) and s**t starts getting thrown before Julian even makes it through the door. That candle had to hurt when Blanca winged it straight into Julian’s face. Nice arm!

But seriously folks… I’m not sure that I would have ever expected to see anybody commit this much domestic violence on reality television in my life. I vacillated between shocked and horrified throughout the entire episode. Picking up where they left off last week…

“You wanna kill me? Do it, do it!” Blanca is screaming in Julian’s face. Remember, she’s the one who threw a candle and hit him in the eye.

“Julian has lipstick from women on his shirt!” Blanca screams. “I’m going to kill him.” And everybody thinks she means it.

Julian’s so hammered the guys are helping him upstairs before Blanca starts whaling on him, but then Blanca goes after him up the staircase with Tasha trying to hold her back.

Shaun gets in Blanca’s face and Gloria steps in and tells him to take his “raggedy ass” downstairs and he flips. The rage in his eyes is scary even through the television screen.


“Raggedy? Raggedy” he screams back in Gloria’s face. Something about THAT particular word really set him off. The he bounces back downstairs and tries to embrace Sofia, who is about as interested in hugging him as a porcupine. It was like he had to prove he wasn’t “raggedy”’ because he had a hot wife who wanted him. But she didn’t. Weird to watch.

“You’re hurting me,” Sofia screams at him and he tells her he isn’t and keeps grabbing at her. But then he gets distracted and points out that Blanca is going upstairs… as if Blanca and Julian are really the problem in this house. Seriously? So they continue the fight upstairs. God forbid they aren’t the focus of everyone all the time.

“Look what you turn into!” Sofia yells down the hallway at him.

“Look what you turn into, you psychotic mother******,” Shaun screams at his wife.

World War Four (yes, Gloria really did ask the producer in interview if we’d had a World War Three yet) is going down in the upstairs hallway and the only really funny thing about it is that Mark is so s**tfaced, he’s standing in the middle of it just watching and laughing hysterically. He’s probably glad he’s not Gloria’s target for once. And somebody else is in trouble for attacking production now too. Go ahead and laugh, Mark. You earned it.

You can hardly see the cast through the Thinkfactory Media production crew and security guys trying to keep this group from killing each other. Gloria jumps in between Sofia and Shaun (can’t mind her own business ever, can she?) and the next thing you know, Shaun is tearing off his shirt and hitting walls.

Sofia might be as big a problem as Gloria keeps accusing her of being (I hate giving #MeanGirl any credit) because as they (the other guys, production and security) move Shaun away from Sofia, she’s following him, screaming and trying to get between him and Gloria. And let’s face it, Gloria could take Shaun.

Shaun picks up Sofia like a rag doll, but then starts throwing things.

Once they have him pinned up against a wall, he starts yelling at his wife “you started it!!!” with the most possessed look on his face. Then it gets all ugly again and next thing you know Shaun’s stomping on Sofia who is trying to stop him from going after Gloria.

It was really confusing to watch. I just backed up and re-watched this particular scene like five times and I still can’t keep up. Then again, there’s a lot of crew and security mixed up in it trying to stop the fight. My husband Bill lost count and he started at the stairway scene. Impossible to follow but I’ve never seen that much crew on camera before. Totally unavoidable (and FASCINATING) under the circumstances.

Julian tells Shaun to calm down and he’ll let him go. I wonder if Julian was ever a bouncer – he’s good at it!

Julian and Blanca’s screaming fight when he and Mark tease her about their night out is nothing compared to the “World War Four” that’s about to break out in the mansion’s kitchen.

Next thing you know, Shaun is gallantly carrying Sofia into the kitchen because she thinks she broke a toe. But he’s yelling at her the whole time although Sofia says “he’s finally calm.” What delusional world does she live in?

And the before you know it, Shaun and Sofia are screaming at each other again and Shaun is telling her it’s all about “self-control” with drinking and he has no problems. WTF? Right… sure. That’s it.

Gloria watches from the doorway for awhile before declaring: “They’re a waste of time is what they are. They’re both drunk.” And she turns to walk away. And Shaun goes after Gloria, with Sofia behind him whining, limping and begging him to “stop it, stop it.”

So Shaun does the only logical thing he can and picks Sofia up and body-slams his wife into the kitchen floor. Hard. Then he was free to go after Gloria.

Gloria is not about to be his next victim, so being as logical as Shaun, she returns to the kitchen to get a really big knife. Seriously? SERIOUSLY? What is wrong with this woman? And she’s tweeting that she would do it again and she has no regrets. WTF? Why did nobody call the freakin police? You’re going to let them all sleep in the same house together???

“This is bad, she’s actually gonna stab him,” Jeff says, kinda sounding like he’s enjoying the drama but not stepping in to the fray.

Tomas and a producer disarm Gloria and then Sofia is up in her face screaming. But that’s not the thing to be watching. The thing to watch is going on behind them on the kitchen floor where Shaun has been pinned down by Julian and a security guy (and eventually Tomas too).

Shaun is flipping around in an uncontrollable rage under them all, like an epileptic mermaid, screaming obscenities the whole time. Kicking furniture and acting like a deranged fool. And reliable sources said the footage didn’t even do justice to how long they actually had that psychopath pinned down before they could safely let him up.

Meanwhile, Sofia is on the kitchen floor whining (yeah, I’ve lost ALL respect for her, but that’s okay because she doesn’t have any for herself so why should the viewers?) and Julian asks her if she’s okay.

“Julian, the guy picked me up and body-slammed me on the ground,” Sofia says. Then she’s sobbing to a producer in kitchen while Shaun is still roid-raging at the security team in the kitchen.

Classic line of the show came from Shaun the next morning.

“I’m starting to remember a little bit of what happened last night, and I’m really feeling regretful and upset,” he says. Really? REALLY? How drunk were you that you don’t remember that much stuff going down and the fact you broke your own wife? Do you always say you’re sorry and have regrets on the mornings after you’ve hurt Sofia, Shaun? The way you pick her up and toss her around like a doll tells us that you do it pretty frequently.

Well, let’s just give you a little reality check. You got so drunk and insane that you managed to stomp on your own wife’s foot and break it while having a temper tantrum at Gloria. Thing is, Gloria would have cut you or had you arrested if you’d broken her foot. I’d have preferred either of those options to seeing Sofia arrive ON CRUTCHES with an entire side of her foot broken the next morning. You committed domestic violence, Shaun. Over and over and over again. Wow.

The “Marriage Boot Camp” Directors Jim and Elizabeth Carroll meet with their team in the morning before evaluations. You’ve gotta figure they’ve just been briefed by production (and maybe shown footage?) of what went down overnight. Sofia’s in the emergency room – that was probably their first clue. There’s obviously a reason that the real Marriage Boot Camp program they run does not permit participating couples to drink any alcohol while they’re in the program. Booze and anger don’t mix. Just ask Sofia’s foot.

“We gave them a hall pass and what did they do? They went crazy,” Elizabeth says. “They went backwards not forward.”

“I’d be scared to death if I were Shaun,” Jim says, referring to the chances he won’t get his wedding ring back at the ending ceremony.

Elizabeth says Blanca and Julian were doing so much better til Blanca lied about cheating on him.

Co-director Ilsa Norman says Gloria and Mark’s lie detector “brought out a lot of hard truths” and everyone agrees they’ve got tough decisions.

Back in the kitchen, the girls are bashing Sofia, who is probably in the emergency room at that exact minute.

“Sofia is actually the problem in that relationship,” Gloria says. “I feel more sorry for Shaun than I do Sofia.” Really? Then why did you pull a knife on him last night Gloria? You could have just knocked out Sofia for him and saved Shaun the effort of breaking her foot.

Blanca agrees Sofia makes things worse too, and she does a hysterical impression Sofia whining. It made me laugh. Then I stopped. We’re laughing at a victim of domestic violence. She may be a co-dependent enabler, but last night he stomped on her foot and threw her to the ground like a rag doll. Victims of domestic violence often don’t know how to get themselves out of these situations. Stand by your man clearly isn’t working for you, Sofia. What’s next?

My husband, a retired cop, is convinced Sofia will end up killing Shaun in self-defense during a drunken brawl some night if they stay together. According to the chatter on Twitter, half of the world thinks she’s insane to ever talk to him again, and the other half thinks they’re “such a cute couple.” Pardon me while I go throw up.

The guys are in the bar talking (appropriate location?) and Shaun tells them he wants to give her the ring back. Tomas points out that Sofia may have no interest in getting the ring back.

“I’m sad for them. But I’m thinking that Shauna and Sofia shouldn’t be together,” Tomas says.

Funniest line of the night is when Tomas is defending himself to the guys explaining that no matter what he does, he feels like he can’t win with Mai-Lee.

“Even though I know I didn’t do anything, in her mind, I was up there in a banana hammock dancing on top of the tables. Who knows what the hell she was thinking?” Tomas complains. Bahahaha! Oh Mai-Lee… he adores you.

In the morning, Julian’s still mad enough to tell the guys he isn’t giving Blanca the ring back. Julian predicts doom for Gloria and Mark and thinks Mark should go home to the four “other girls” he’s got waiting for him.

This all leads to jokes about whether they get to keep their wives’ rings and sell them or pawn them. The funny thing is that later on, the wives are making similar jokes.

Sofia is back and all dramatic. The girls are concerned, but Sofia is all “what can I do?” #victim

When Shaun sees Sofia come downstairs on crutches with a broken foot, he asks if he can go give her a hug. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? If I were her, I’d be out there getting a restraining order. Not even joking. But apparently neither Shaun nor Sofia remembers exactly what happened. Or Sofia’s lying to protect him.

“You’ve got to stay away from alcohol,” Jim tells Shaun. Thank you, Master of the Obvious. Sorry Jim, I couldn’t resist.

Jeff gets the credit for making more personal progress than any other camper during the program. “I’ve seen growth in both of you,” Elizabeth agrees with Jim’s assessment.

While they’ve seen progress with Gloria and Mark, it’s been individual progress and they haven’t really grown as a couple. Saw that coming. And I’m starting to really like Mark – he’s funny when he’s not around Gloria.

Elizabeth asks Mai-Lee and Tomas if they’re going to be able to conquer the jealousy issues going forward and predicts doom if they can’t manage them. Mai-Lee even gets jealous of Tomas spending time with his mom.

So they send them all off to get dressed for the formal ceremony and they call them out separately to chat with the counselors. Jim and co-director Bobby Davis meet with the husbands and Elizabeth and Ilsa take on the wives.

Elizabeth tries to get Sofia to see the light. It’s so sad. I think the bulb is dim here. Or she’s so beaten down that she thinks she deserves it. She may antagonize him and have her own issues, but she’s not being violent.

“Don’t accept abuse – maybe it would be a wake-up call for him,” Elizabeth counsels Sofia. You can tell Elizabeth wants Sofia to give divorce papers to Shaun. I agree completely. Sadly, I don’t think Elizabeth is getting through. Look deeply into Sofia’s very pretty eyes and you can see the back of her head.

“We get crazier together,” Shaun says this never happens unless he and Sofia fight. Jim asks if she “deserves” to be with someone who goes off on her like that. Shaun won’t say no because that would be admitting he’s responsible. He calls her his “soul mate” and breaks her foot. Disconnect here.

“I don’t want her to be with the animal that I was last night,” Shaun says. Triage anyone? Maybe he thinks Jim will help convince her to stay.

“I think Shaun and Sofia are just dangerous for each other,” Mai-Lee says. “Somebody is going to get hurt. Really hurt.” Sofia says she hasn’t seen him behave like this in years. I’m confused. Wasn’t she there for episodes one and two of this season or has she forgotten that already?

“Once he starts, he doesn’t stop… until he explodes,” Sofia tells Elizabeth.

Elizabeth explains that an addiction problem can’t be fixed by Marriage Boot Camp. That’s the first hurdle and til they get over it they can’t fix the rest of their marriage.

“What are you willing to take… what are you boundaries? What is your self worth?”Elizabeth asks. “Don’t sell yourself short. Don’t accept abuse.”

“I don’t know,” Sofia sighs. She’s going to take him back!!! You can see it right there. OMG.

“There’s gotta be a point, Sofia, where you say, this far and no more.” Elizabeth has done all she can done and now it’s in Sofia’s hands. At least they aren’t broken. Yet.

Blanca’s keeping her sense of humor through it all. “My biggest concern – I’m gonna starve” Blanca jokes about what will happen if Julian and she split. But he’s taking things more seriously.

“If Blanca doesn’t want to admit to some of her faults, maybe she doesn’t want to admit that she lied,” Julian outed her for lying about Botox last week, and I think he’s on the same page again. His point is that she lies without a second thought and that makes him trust the lie detector results more than his wife.

“As of right now, I’m undecided.” But Jim calls him out for flipping the table and Julian explains that their fights are “50/50 things”.

Blanca thinks “we need a whole ‘nother month because we just went backwards.” She’s not feeling confident about the ring ceremony for good reason.

Julian drops another mini bombshell when he tells us they were engaged before and he called off the wedding because he had second thoughts about marrying Blanca. You know he’s wondering what he was thinking when he changed his mind. The trust thing is making him crazy. He really loves her and that was a kick in the gut to him.

Okay, so I was assured that NONE of those little speeches at the final ceremony were created by production, and that it was all very real, but it seemed stiff and rehearsed by most of them. I kept looking for Teleprompters.

The words and the body language just didn’t match up. It was weird and uncomfortable. I wanted to feel happy for the couples I was rooting for when they stayed together, but there was something artificial about it all so close to the melee of the previous night. Like maybe they all needed another night to sleep on it, separately.

Congratulations to Mai-Lee and Tomas, and to Blanca and Julian for re-committing to each other. Stick with the program and you can do it!!! I have no idea why Tasha gave Jeff his ring back but I predict they will have split before the freakin reunion. First time she cries and he blows her off, it’s all over. Why waste money on divorce attorney fees twice, right? They’re due to be final within a couple months of the taping of the show.

Gloria gave Mark divorce papers. That was disturbing and sad. She is the one with the problems. Big, big issues from childhood that she’s not addressing and never will. Mark did a lot of growing and changing and had every intention of a fresh start where he could give his wife what he’s learned she needs, and he was literally crushed when he saw the divorce papers in the box instead of a ring.

I have a question – they packed and left ASAP. But did they really get into the same van and leave together? I’d be like “find your own ride, bitch,” if I were Mark. Let Gloria walk.

Finally, was anybody surprised by Sofia wimping out completely and giving Shaun a letter instead of divorce papers? If any couple needs to seriously separate, it’s them. Time apart might be the only thing to save that marriage – and both of their lives.

Detox and rehab would easily give them some break time. Unfortunately, Shaun doesn’t think he has a problem so instead of getting help for his addiction, he’s hiring publicity firms and trying to position them as America’s sweetheart couple of “Marriage Boot Camp.” Barf. Had your public relations firm heard about your stunts when they agreed to represent you?

I was exhausted after watching it once, and I’m drained from two more rounds with the DVR trying to get all the details right. Is a TV show supposed to leave me feeling like this? Swear to God, we should pair up Shaun with Ramona Singer from “Real Housewives of New York” in a public place and maybe we can finally see them both taken away in the handcuffs they so richly deserve. They could be roomies in rehab.

Why not loop Gloria in at the same time and save gas on the paddy wagon – for domestic violence earlier this season and attempted assault with a deadly weapon in the finale. She’s a class act. Ghetto-fabulous Gloria!

Even for the purposes of dramatic reality television, I don’t condone violence going unpunished. Ever. Maybe it’s the cop-wife in me. Or maybe it’s just common decency and the way I was raised. I find Ramona’s assault and battery (via wineglass of Pinot) on Kristen of RHONY just as distasteful as Shaun beating up Sofia. The only difference is that it’s highly unlikely that Ramona’s stupidity will get somebody killed. I can’t say that of the two from “Marriage Boot Camp.”

Next week is the finale and if the rumors are true, we have some surprises in store. And it was filmed after Shaun’s little film career went public so I’m hoping that comes up too. Definitely keeping things interesting. I want to see if Gloria took Mark back and Tasha tossed Jeff to the curb yet – both seem likely… and predictable.

The teaser sneak preview of “Celebrity Marriage Boot Camp” was so intense that it deserves its own blog – so I’ll tell you more about it later. But truth is I hadn’t planned on blogging that one until I saw the teasers. Now I don’t want to miss out!

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