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Recap: BravoTV Real Housewives of New Jersey, “We still hate Dina” Edition

Real Housewives of New Jersey
Recap: BravoTV Real Housewives of New Jersey, “We still hate Dina” Edition

Wow, the overall sentiment of viewers on Twitter tonight was that it’s time for BravoTV to put the “Real Housewives of New Jersey” out of its misery. We learned this week that Tre will be in jail next season, and nobody wants to see Jacqueline Laurita back whining all the time. We still hate Dina.

Twins Teresa and Nicole have been a flop, as has Amber – and everybody (including his wife Amber) pretty much hates Jim Marchese.

Let’s start with the news that wasn’t on the show – Tre’s checking into prison in January for a 15 month stay. “Vacation” as Joe has refers to it. Lots of peeps speculating that as soon as she’s in lockup, Juicy will grab the girls and take off for Italy. I wonder if he could actually pull that off. I have no doubt he would if he could.

Joe is serving 41 months plus another 12 months (that’s just how they write it) – dude’s going to jail for 53 months (that’s almost 4 ½ years for those who can’t divide), and then he could face deportation afterwards. Teresa is serving her sentence first so the kids won’t be without a parent, but apparently she got thrown under the bus by her husband and his lawyer at sentencing. Juicy requested alcohol counseling? Uh huh. Righht.

There’s not much Guidice action this season on the show and Tre’s publicly said now that she’s not going to be doing anything to promote it for the rest of the season. She and Joe gave their first interview to Andy Cohen on BravoTV (only because Bravo found out they were going to start selling interviews and called CONTRACT on them and forced them to talk to Andy first) and that’s airing Monday night (must set DVR).

Both Juicy and Tre participated in the RHONJ reunion taping last week, but those who saw it said she didn’t have much to say and the reunion was pretty lame without Tre and Caroline tearing into each other.

Joe and Tre ditch the girls for a night to go on a date night at a nice hotel in Manhattan. I’d run away too if I lived with that little monster they’ve created – Milania.

“If you don’t start behaving, guess where you’re going? Boarding school,” Teresa tells Milania. Is it possible Tre and Joe were worried that none of the relatives would be willing to take her if they “went away” at the same time? Maybe boarding school is the solution to having Joe in charge for 15 months. The little ones are too little – but Joe and Melissa Gorga live nearby. Not as close as they used to… but hey, that’s a small inconvenience.

Joe and Melissa were the only ones not misbehaving or causing drama in Boca. Melissa alternates between looking horrified and shocked, and Joe keeps making comments about what a little bitch Jim Marchese is. And he’s right.

At the end of the last episode, Bobby had come out of the bathroom where he’d hidden all night to have it out with Jim about whether or not he’s been faithful to Nicole. Jim’s claiming he has a girlfriend in an apartment in Miami. This whole scene caused the Twitter-world to make a lot of jokes about who the wives are in this group.

Jim’s so shitfaced that he trips over an end table trying to storm off and confront Bobby.

“You telling me I got a girl?” Bobby yells at Jim.

“Yeah, that you showed me pictures of…” Jim goes into detail it’s hard to understand with Bobby yelling.

“He’s a fucking lying sack of shit,” Bobby shouts and storms upstairs, stopping to yell the same thing again. No concerns about how Nicole must feel about all this – Bobby’s probably headed back up to lock himself in the bathroom again.

“For being not involved, you’re really injecting yourself,” Melissa calls out Jim when he acts like he didn’t cause the chaos.

Finally the showdown that Bravo has been teasing for weeks went down – and it was flat-out disappointing. Nobody got hit – and we still don’t know whether Rino slept with the twins’ mom or not for sure. I mean, I totally believe it. But that family decided to stick together and deny it as a unit a long time ago and that’s how it’s going to be. Unless some much-more inspired blogger digs ups divorce records that show somebody accusing him of this, it’s unlikely we’ll ever hear them admit the truth. I’m sure the reunion would have been reported as much more interesting if that little matter had been resolved.

Amber is so stressed out that she smokes a cigarette, but she’s hasn’t smoked since she had CANCER. I’m sorry, but it’s just something you do now – wait for Amber to mention cancer and see how many minutes into the show you are. Predictably, it’s under five.

Apparently, Amber smoking one single cigarette when she’s stressed out is cause for more drama. The girls tattle to Jim and then Jim picks on her for it. Of course she’s smoking. I’m surprised she’s not drinking double-fisted the way her husband is behaving. She’s watching the train speed up and about to derail. She totally knows what’s coming.

“Amber, I’m sorry that you’re married to a dick. I’m sorry. I feel bad for you,” Dina tells her. It’s actually funny but Dina’s been such a sneaky bitch that I just feel a little bit sorry for Amber, who is begging her to stop.

“Typical example of a Napoleon complex,” Teresa declares to the group. And Jim goes batshit nuts!

“Your husband tried to fuck a Gotti so he could be a wanna-be gangster…” Jim starts in on the list of Rino’s transgressions that he claims to have knowledge of vis a vis Bobby. Thing is, we all know that he got the deets on this one from Amber. Who got it from Victoria Gotti. Who claims to have gotten it from Rino himself. Why would Victoria Gotti lie? I’m just saying.

“Do you think he didn’t date a stripper?” Teresa asks. Strange thing to pick up on given the overall argument.

“No, but I think he fucked your mom,” Jim throws in her face. Everyone gasps and tells him to stop. “Let’s go there,” Mr. Marchese is like a Chihuahua with a chew toy and he won’t let go. Nor will he stop yipping.

“I’m speechless,” Teresa says.

“Something is wrong with this guy. What kind of man says that, ya bitch!” Joe Gorga’s delicate sensibilities are offended. But everybody else is pissed too. Including Jim’s own wife.

Jim and Amber go upstairs and have a nasty fight. She knows Bobby didn’t tell him that stuff that he’s blaming on Bobby – she told him what Victoria Gotti told her. In fact, Jim counseled her not to bring any of it up when she was with the girls so she didn’t get blamed for anything. Apparently, he was just saving it for himself.

Amber is devastated because she really wants to be accepted by these ladies. And she wants to stay on the TV show which won’t happen if nobody will film with her.

“A + B = Fucking C. Peace Peace Peace = Fucking Peace,” Amber is ranting at Jim and making raging animal sounds. She’s literally hysterical.

Jim defends himself by saying Teresa wasn’t acting like a lady. Dude, you just told a room of people that her mother slept with her husband. How exactly is she supposed to behave? True or not, she’s got every right to be absolutely enraged.

“I’m going to treat you exactly how you were behaving,” Jim says, meaning that’s why he was so awful to the twin.

“In order to achieve peace, you have to be ready to wage war,” Jim tells his wife, like they’re some kind of killer team together. I find the entire thing creepy. Who goes on vacation to wage war?

“They blame you now,” Amber tells Jim but he doesn’t give a fuck.

“But I wanted to be friends with these people,” Amber cries to Jim.

Meanwhile, downstairs, Teresa’s upset about nobody telling her about the gossip. Dina tried to tell her the night before (with questionable intentions) and Teresa wouldn’t hear it, even when Nicole wanted to hear it. So I say she did this to herself and has no right to be angry at any of the girls. Dina did try to tell her.

Next morning, Teresa packs for her and Rino’s own place they apparently own nearby. She’s outta there. Melissa and Joe discuss the weird factor of what’s going on as Jim and Amber eat breakfast like everything’s normal.

“I woke up to Nicole saying you guys are fucking pieces of shit, so…” Amber has the nerve to complain. Here’s the deal babe – he’s your husband. You married him. You brought him. When he fucks up, you get half the blame. In this case, you running your big mouth to him is what caused the chaos to begin with so no, I don’t feel sorry for you. You and Jim are, in fact, pieces of shit.

Amber thinks she’s going to fix it so they can go yachting together. Bahahaha! That’s not going to happen.

“Jim, I feel like you crossed a line…” Dina approaches the breakfast table. “What I’m going to do now is ask you, kindly, to leave. Get up, pack your bags and go.”

“Dina, I cannot even believe that’s your position,” Amber wails.

“You’re judge and jury?” Jim asks Dina. Actually, she is. Turns out it’s her friend’s villa they’re all staying in so she can kick them out.

“I think Dina’s being a follower right now…. She’s kicking me out for what my husband said? That’s not fair,” Amber has got to learn how real life works. It’s not fun to be married to an asshole.

“The poison has left the building,” Joe declares after Jim and Amber leave the house, and then he and Melissa and Nicole and Bobby and Dina go yachting for the day.

Dinner starts slowly in Boca that night – Bobby’s too shitfaced to get out of bed. Nicole was napping in her bikini? That’s just weird. Then she tries to blame Bobby’s absence at dinner on food poisoning. Uh huh. Sure.

Teresa and Rino suddenly show up and the party begins. Rino scores HUGE points from me for flying right down there to back up Teresa. He’s the only one who can help defend this situation. Joe and Rino try to get drunk Bobby out of bed and for a minute I was worried they were going to put makeup on him like we did to guys who passed out in high school at parties.

They have a fun dinner together and Bobby eventually joins them.

“I can give you better stories than that,” Rino dismisses the Gotti rumor as bullshit.

“These people are outlandish. And I’m not just talking about yesterday. I’m just talking about in general,” Rino has a very low opinion of the Marcheses. Oh wait, so does literally everyone in the world.

God, I really, really hope that next week’s episode, they all wake up back in New Jersey because I’m so done with this trip and so are most of the viewers.

For some reason, Bravo keeps bringing Jac and Kathy back. But all the filming has them engaging with each other, not the actual Housewives. Production rumor has it that they brought the old girls back to film after this season started and was turning out like crap. If that’s the case, it’s too obvious.

Jacqueline can’t get over the fact that Tre is done with her. Kathy’s heard this song and dance before and has told Jac to leave Tre alone.

Later on, we see Jacqueline whining to her husband Chris about the same thing. He tries to tell her that they’ve both reached out and “a friendship is two ways” but “the writing is on the wall.”

“Quite honestly I don’t think Teresa ever forgives,” he says. I’m guessing that text to Joe about getting together for wine was because his wife is making him insane over this. Chris has his own business problems right now and the last thing he needs to do is start keeping company (again) with about-to-be-convicted felons.

Next week’s teasers show Kathy and Jac having lunch with Rosie and one of twins (Nicole, maybe?). What’s that about? Are we trying to integrate old and new for next season? Please God no. I just can’t.


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