Vanderpump Rules recap: Yes, Katie, you are a Bridezilla…and your groom isn’t totally straight

Tom goes lingerie shopping in Lisa Vanderpump's closet
Tom hunting for lingerie in Lisa Vanderpump’s closet for Schwartz’s bachelor party

Of course, Katie and Schwartz’s upcoming wedding is the most important thing going on in the lives of EVERYBODY on Bravo’s Vanderpump Rules.

But it’s a disaster, with Katie channeling “Bridezilla” and Ariana pretending anybody actually wants her to be a part of the festivities.

Meanwhile, Schwartz asks his buddies to dress in drag for his New Orleans bachelor party…because that’s something any straight guy would ever ask his friends to do. NOT!

After all the time spent on Katie’s tacky tea towel wedding invitations, it seems that she totally forgot to put a blank for names on the RSVP cards. She’s an idiot. And shame on the wedding vendor who let her do that — you’re paid to be smarter than the bride.

Of course, this bride is passive-aggressively channeling every nasty bride we’ve ever seen on TV. Oh, Katie pretends she’s not a Bridezilla, but her behavior says otherwise.

She’s mad at Scheana and bitching endlessly about Ariana being a groomsman. I want to know why didn’t she throw down when Schwartz first ask Ariana to be in the wedding. It was a lousy move on his part. But it’s too late now, and she’s coming off as a petty bitch.

Katie tells Schwartz that she wants Ariana to apologize for being mean to Stassi, but we all know that ain’t gonna happen.

“Ariana is not a combative person,” Tom says when Schwartz tells him that Katie’s not happy about Ariana being a groomsman. Maybe she’s not combative, but she’s not a nice person, either. Ariana is LOVING the consternation that her role in the wedding party is causing.

Katie and Schwartz
Katie and Schwartz are getting married… but should they? Pic: Isabella Vosmikova/Bravo

Schwartz appeals to Tom for mercy. He HAS to be on Katie’s side.

“For the next month, unequivocally,” Schwartz says he’s #TEAMKATIE up to the wedding. Isn’t that sad? Most fiances would plan to be a teammate/wingman for life.

Pandora throws a bridal shower for Katie at the super-amazing house Lisa bought her for her 30th birthday. Predictably, it turns into a total s**tshow when Scheana tries to force Ariana to apologize to Stassi. I swear, that chick looks for trouble.

Scheana calls out Katie for mean drunk texts. Not great timing.

“That is so unfair. It’s despicable,” Katie says. Then she calls Scheana fake. And Scheana storms off.

Meanwhile, Schwartz meets with his wedding party and tells Ariana that she’s causing problems. She promises to make nice-nice, although she will not apologize to Stassi. But that’s not the weirdest thing he wants.

Schwartz wants the guys to dress in drag at his bachelor party. And they’re doing it. I polled about a dozen straight guys (including two who live in Los Angeles) after watching this, and the general consensus is that straight men do not do this. Under any circumstances. Just going to leave that right there…

In other news, Brittany dragged Jax to church, and lightning didn’t strike!

Jax only went to get Brittany “off my back and back in that kitchen where she belongs!”

I have to ask — what does Brittany think when Vanderpump Rules airs and she sees the way Jax talks about her? Doesn’t she have any pride?

Meanwhile, James’s girlfriend Raquel grills him about being shady. Which he totally is, although he denies cheating on her. The guy is a hot mess for a dozen other reasons. Why is he still on this show?

Whenever Stassi’s little brother makes an appearance on the show, we’re forced to confront the fact that the little guy is so much smarter than her — it’s kinda painful to watch. As usual, he tells her the truth — in this case, pointing out that her ex is probably suffering more than she is.

“I really do need to be alone for awhile. I need to be alone,” Stassi starts sobbing on the kitchen counter, and begging her little brother to be supportive. Oh dear God. Grow up!

Peter is making a short film to get financing for a whole movie. And he’s asked Tom to come dress up in armor. It’s as bad as it sounds.

“Commander we’ve received your transmission. We’ve dispatched strike pods to your position,” is his only line. But it takes Tom like a zillion takes to get this one line right.

I just kept thinking MAKE IT STOP. And dear God, Tom, please get a haircut. That look is terrible on you.

Most horrifying moment of the night:

Tom hunting for lingerie to wear in Lisa’s closet, so he’ll have something to wear at Schwartz’s bachelor party. Yeah, read that back to yourself.

“I gotta go bra shopping,” Tom tells Lisa. FYI — this is not something your fiance should be shopping for for himself. I’m just sayin’.

Questions we were left asking:

  • On what fashion planet is a suede bikini top appropriate bridal shower attire? Dear God, Ariana — pretend you have one little ounce of class. Please. Please???
  • Does Katie realize that Schwartz isn’t exactly straight? I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with it. But I’m a wedding planner, and I’ve seen quite a few brides who lied to themselves about their new husband’s sexuality.
  • Why is James Kennedy still a cast member of Vanderpump Rules?

Vanderpump Rules airs Monday nights at 9/8c on Bravo

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