Vanderpump Rules recap: The new way to play Spin the Bottle edition

Tom Schwartz and Tom Sandoval shared a ridiculously long kiss during Spin the Bottle

Week three of the lamest bachelor/bachelorette party ever in NOLA. Everybody is split up and fighting.

Congratulations to pot-stirrer Kristen for starting the whole thing by bringing up Schwartz’s indiscretion in Vegas, forever ago.

“Dude, I’m done. I’m done with Katie. I’m not marrying her,” Schwartz says, very drunk.

Katie tells the crew surrounding her, in another room, that she’s tired of pretending he didn’t f**k somebody in Vegas.

“He was proposing to somebody who gave him an ultimatum,” Tom Sandoval says, and Scheana tells him to shut up.

Sandoval really doesn’t want this marriage to happen. But he’s right. Katie browbeat Schwartz into proposing.

“Leave him the f**k alone. He’s a f**king battered wife,” Tom screams, while still dressed in drag, with full makeup. Kinda hard to take him seriously.

Schwartz listens in at the door of the hotel room when Katie’s crew is chatting, then goes in.

“And you’re also a b***h,” Schwartz attacks Katie. Good start!

“If I could slit Sandoval’s throat and get him off the f***ing earth, Schwartz wouldn’t act like this,” Kristen’s got the solution.

Schwartz storms out and seeks comfort talking to Jax. Seriously?

“We’re at your bachelor party and you’ve cried three times. That’s not normal!” Jax tells Schwartz.

Everybody except the bride and groom knows these two shouldn’t get married.

Schwartz, still in drag, complete with a red bachelorette sash, goes in to make up with Katie.

Tom Schwartz, all dressed up and pretty, for his bachelore party, of course.

“Tom, you have smokey-eye makeup on,” Katie doesn’t want to talk to him in this condition.

Stassi sleeps with Katie. Schwartz crashes in another suite with Jax and Brittany.

“I woke up with full morning wood, in a dress,” Schwartz announces. Well, that’s promising… Not.

“Maybe if everybody just stays sober til the wedding, this will all run smoothly,” Scheana says, hopefully, about the rest of the longest weekend in the history of reality TV.

She tells Shay she thinks Katie and Schwartz’s pre-nup was a good idea. But of course, she and Shay didn’t need one. #Foreshadowing

Katie calls Lisa to tattle on Schwartz’s behavior. Weird.

“Nothing’s that important that you need to be fighting right now,” Lisa says. “Go patch things up with Schwartzy.”

I hate that nickname.

Most of the crew meet up to party at the pool. Katie is conspicuously absent because she went with Stassi and Kristen to visit Stassi’s childhood home.

“I’m not going to let anybody say Tequila Katie ever again. It’s Tequila Tom,” Stassi says.

“For once people got to see Tom at his worst,” Katie’s happy about that.

“Seeing everyone after last night is like a walk of shame after an orgy gone horribly wrong, because I’ve been to lots of those, so I would know,” Ariana says. Maybe she’s joking.

Jax reminds Schwartz that he didn’t want to marry Katie last night.

Schwartz goes to talk to Katie.

“What are we fighting about?” Schwartz asks.

He still won’t admit he slept with that girl in Vegas.

“Drop the Vegas girl thing. I f***ed up. I admit it,” Schwartz says.

They agree to go out and have a fun last night in New Orleans. And, of course, with this crew that means playing Spin the Bottle in the back room at a club. WTF?

“I think it’s weird as f*** and right now, I’m just happy I’m married,” Scheana says. I agree.

First spin puts Schwartz with Tom Sandoval.

Let me point out that usually, when this game is played, you’d kiss the member of the OPPOSITE sex closest to where the bottle points.

The kiss is long. Too long. Very weird. Long enough to be cringe-worthy, but at least there was no tongue. I don’t think.

“Sandoval and Schwartz are secretly in love with each other. Not so secretly. They’re openly in love with each other,” Kristen says. Yep.

“This is what the bachelor party was supposed to be like from the beginning,” Schwartz says.

Um… seriously? Your bachelor party was supposed to about long passionate kisses with Tom Sandoval?

“Your weave is showing,” Kristen tells Tom.

“It’s not a weave. It’s extensions,” Tom says. Cuz that makes it better. Right? Bahahaha!

Back at the hotel, Schwartz does a strip tease for Katie, and they’re partying like they didn’t hate each other last night.

“If Katie won’t f*** him, I think Sandoval will,” Jax says. #TrueLife

The next day, they’re packing like their entire relationship didn’t explode.

“We have a wedding in two weeks, and any lingering issues that Katie and I have, that we haven’t resolved, we don’t have time for that,” Schwartz says.

“I just want to put this wedding train back on the tracks and get married,” Katie says interview.

WTF is wrong with these people???

Next week, they ask Lisa to officiate their wedding, and she ends up giving them couples therapy. Could we just get this wedding over with already?

Most jaw-dropping moment

When Shay tries to talk to Scheana about the problems between Katie and Schwartz. He’s saying the problem is they don’t listen to each other. While Scheana clearly isn’t actually listening to him. No shocker they’re not together anymore.

Things we’re left wondering

How many times have Tom Sandoval and Tom Schwartz slept together? And is Katie okay with that? I’d be more worries about Sandoval than some chick in Vegas a couple of years ago.

Why the hell are Lisa and Ken considering Sandoval for a junior partnership in their new restaurant? The man went out in public — not in drag — with long fake, girly-painted nails. Ugh.

Any chance that Stassi and Peter may have a second go at it? Me thinks he protested too much when they were playing Spin the Bottle.

Vanderpump Rules airs on Mondays at 9/8c on Bravo

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