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Vanderpump Rules recap: The Katie and Schwartz have lamest bachelor/bachelorette parties ever edition

Schwartz in his “muumuu”, but what is really a Fresh Produce beach coverup my mom wore in the 90s

This week’s Vanderpump Rules on Bravo was the best example of a HORRIBLE bachelor and bachelorette party that I’ve ever seen.

Seriously. Between Stassi and Brittany tackling their own issues with Jax during the festivities, and Schwartz dressing as a woman, I’m not sure which was the worst thing we saw.

Oh yes, it’s another episode ALL about Katie and Schwarz’s upcoming wedding. They’re all going to New Orleans, and Stassi volunteered to plan it, because it’s her town.

“I didn’t have Katie as a friend for a year. Because I kinda f**ked up,” Stassi admits. Now she’s all nervous about the trip she’s planned because she has to make it perfect.

Before they leave, because things couldn’t get any more awkward, Scheana throws a taco pool party in her mom’s back yard.

And Schwartz shows up wearing a dress. No, I’m not kidding.

That dress in the picture above is straight up from the women’s wear line called Fresh Produce. I know because my mom wore it like it was fashionable for years. Those square pockets are a dead giveaway.

In fact, I’m pretty sure my mom had that EXACT beach cover up.

But Schwartz tells everybody it’s his special “muumuu.” Yeah, whatever. Just admit you bat for both teams, Schwartz, and save Katie a lot of heartache later on.

This is the same guy who wants his groomsmen to dress in drag at his bachelor party. #NotNormal

The only one who looked worse than Schwartz was Brittany. WTF was with that hairdo? No, seriously. Brittany just cannot even try to rock Princess Leia.

And by the way, I’m not just a jealous bitch. My husband was watching with me and his reaction was “WTF is up with her hair?” (My husband is a closet Brittany Cartwright fan.)

I told him she was channeling Princess Leia. His response?

“She ain’t no Carrie Fisher. Give it up.”

The taco party went well, except for the groom talking s**t about his bride to his friends. But that’s par for the course with Schwartz and Katie. He doesn’t actually like her.

We all know that Katie and Schwartz are married now. But we also know they shouldn’t be, right?

“Should this be even happening?” Jax asks. Smartest thing he’s said all season.

No, Katie and Schwartz should not get married. However, they’re married now (as we all know). Who is taking bets on how long the marriage lasts post-TV show? Just wondering. Count me in.

Watching this crew pack for the New Orleans trip is bizarre.

Tom is wayyyy too excited about Schwartz’s idea of dressing in drag. As evidenced by his purchase of butt pads to make it look like he has an ass in his dress. Who does that? Ariana’s face says it all.

Then Schwartz models a t-shirt he’s packing. It’s one of those t-shirt cover ups that makes you look like you’re wearing a bikini. I’ve seen that shirt — but not on any woman under 65. And never on a man. What is Schwartz’s obsession with wearing women’s clothing? Seriously.

“He is not straight,” my husband says. “Some other variation. But not straight.” I love having his perspective when I blog this show!

Stassi, true to form, is a pain in the ass in New Orleans.

“I don’t need everybody being coupley right in my face,” Stassi bitches at Jax and Brittany, when they have a rare tender moment.

She follows Katie and Schwartz right up to their room, and share the treats Lisa Vanderpump sent the couple. They call her the “third wheel” to her face, but she’s not going anywhere.

When they all go out in the French Quarter, it’s fun til they actually go into a bar to hang out.

That’s when Stassi demands an apology from Jax for everything in their history. Because it’s totally appropriate timing, right? Did I mention she did it with Brittany sitting right there?

Jax says he’s drunk. Then he apologizes. Bahahahaha!

“I’m sorry. I was a different person then. I was an a**hole, a … … … ,” Jax lists all the things that made him an a**hole back when they dated. Isn’t it funny to see Drunk and Drunker make up???

Although he may have fixed things with ex Stassi, he’s made a mistake in front of Brittany.

Jax treats Brittany like s**t, and she’s not missing the fact he’s apologizing to Stassi, and not to her. That’s going to get ugly in the not-so-distant future.

Meantime, back in Los Angeles, James asks Lisa for his job back. Again.

“What part of no do you not understand?” Lisa asks.

He defends himself, and makes himself look like an even bigger jerk, claiming he didn’t hook up with the other hostess.

“No Lisa, I wasn’t smashing with smooshy troll face,” James says.

Yeah, that’s definitely the right approach. NOT! Bahahaha!

Describing it all in interview, and explaining why Lisa should hire him back, James calls himself the “white Kanye West”.

It’s sad. And humorous. But mostly sad and pathetic.

On a separate note, it’s hard watching Scheana and Shay together knowing that they’re separated now.

Scheana and Shay on their wedding day, a year ago. They’re separated now

As much fun as I made of Scheana and their wedding, I don’t wish anybody bad luck with their marriage.

If I understand the timing correctly, Shay already had addiction issues prior to the actual wedding. Scheana appeared to be totally clueless as to how to support his sobriety last season.

I called this split, but being right doesn’t make me happy.

Next week, I predict mass stupidity and many tears in New Orleans.

#PumpRules moment that made me do a double take:

Schwartz wearing my mom’s Fresh Produce beach cover-up at Scheana’s taco party. How does Katie ignore this??? Does he borrow her underwear?

Questions we were left asking:

  • Where did Brittany find the engagement ring shot glasses? Those were really cool.
  • Does James’s new girlfriend know how stupid she looks when she says she’s okay with him cheating on her on national TV?
  • When did Schwartz steal my mother’s old beach cover up?

Vanderpump Rules airs Mondays at 9/8c on Bravo.

Sandy Malone is a reality TV star, expert wedding planner, and internationally-syndicated columnist for Conde Nast's BRIDES and The Huffington Post, in addition to Monsters and Critics. Sandy more

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