Before we move on to this week’s craziness, we have to wrap up last week’s mess — DeMario! As we know, the lying dog showed up at the mansion last week without a tie (apparently he couldn’t be bothered to fully unpack), begging Rachel for another chance at love.
His plea? He regrets lying his ass off (poorly), and, um, well, he really likes Rachel, so let’s let bygones be bygones! That’s his argument in a nutshell — I suck, but I really dig you. Nice.
Not surprisingly, while Rachel is glad he learned a valuable life lesson, she’s not buying what he’s selling. The other guys are so relieved, and honestly, I am, too.
It’s bad enough Whaboom is still here, and it’s week three. I think everyone must feel reassured that Rachel has some taste.
Speaking of Lucas Whaboom, the Blake/Lucas battle continues, and this week it trickles into Rachel’s lap like a stinky diaper.
Lucas has to tell her Blake suggestively ate a banana in his general direction, which Blake refutes because hey, he’s keto, baby! Sigh.
Have these guys ever watched this show? It’s been on for a while, and I’m pretty sure not a season has gone by where tattling and whining about other contestants, no matter how awful they are, to the bachelor/bachelorette has ever ended well.
Rachel looks thoroughly bored, and I bet she’s having flashbacks to being a camp counselor in elementary school.
When it’s finally time for this loooong delayed rose ceremony, Bryan, Bryce, Eric, Anthony, Will, Jonathan, Jack, Matt, Alex, Adam, Kenny, Brady, Lee, Iggy and Fred get blossoms.
Then, the last rose goes to… Diggy. So, both Lucas and Blake are goners, which seems to shock both of them for some unfathomable reason.
Huh, maybe they should have spent more time kissing Rachel than bitching about one another! Go figure!
Having been kicked out of the house, Blake sees an opportunity to let Lucas have it, and it is glorious.
He hates Lucas and, not having anything else to do in the house, he has been working on his zingers, many of which include creative uses of Whaboom and bleeped language.
Lucas has no comebacks, for some reason, and just mutters that it’s not about winning, it’s about the world. Okay, Lucas. Say goodnight.
There’s more excitement when we get to the group date with Bryan, Jonathan, Peter, Alex, Will and Fred, who will go to the set of “Ellen” with Rachel.
Hey guys, let’s do publicity for ABC! How romantic!
The guys are treated like monkeys, which is part of the reason to watch the show, really.
The poor dears have to stand backstage and hear Rachel tell Ellen that one guy swept her off her feet with a great kiss. Next, they have to take their shirts off and dance in the crowd, which isn’t the least bit degrading, I’m sure.
Alex has a career in stripping if he wants it, but Tickle Monster , not so much.
Ellen challenges the guys to a game of Never Have I Ever, which reveals Alex peed in the pool at the mansion, Frederick slept with a woman twice his age, and three of the guys have already kissed Rachel.
This is crushing for Tickle Monster and Freddy, who are so far out of the running they don’t even realize it.
After dinner, Freddy asks Rachel if he can kiss her, which does not go over so well, but apparently she realizes turning him down flat isn’t great TV and they kiss for a while.
Freddy is over the moon! He is imagining a tux and a wedding gown, when it’s pretty clear she is calculating how soon is too soon to shove him away.
Time for the group date rose, and oddly she picks up the rose and asks Freddy to walk with her. She couldn’t wait to pick up the rose?
Freddy is so happy! He’s being singled out for kissing! Nope.
Rachel tells Freddy she isn’t feeling it, will never feel it, and she’ll walk him out to the car so he can pack his stuff. Ouch.
I’m sure she thought it was a nice gesture to kick him to the curb as soon as she realized he would always be a naughty little boy to her.
In other news, Alex gets the group date rose. Alex is emerging as a dark horse, and the fact Rachel doesn’t reject him for peeing in the pool means she must like him despite questionable etiquette.
While Anthony has a dreamy, if really weird, date — he and Rachel ride horses on Rodeo Drive, then ride said horses into actual stores that probably aren’t zoned for this at all, and they buy boots, hats and Beverly Hills swag.
There are horse cupcakes and the horses poop on the floor of a store, and it’s just… weird.
Somehow Anthony and Rachel find a romantic spark and he gets a rose. Chris Harrison said this week’s dates would be incredible, but I don’t think incredibly awkward was what he meant.
The next group date is a mud wrestling group date (because more shirtlessness!) which involves a clown car’s worth of Rachel’s friends, plus Dean, Adam, Kenny, Bryce, Lee, Jack and Eric.
Although pro wrestler Kenny is the favorite to win, Bryce somehow bests him in the finale. And… yeah, winning contests doesn’t get you anything on this show.
Because we’ve reached the part of the competition in which people start freaking out and self-destructing, Eric emerges as the neurotic mess of the week. He whines to everyone in the house that he doesn’t know how Rachel feels, and he’s never been in love, and how it’s totally okay to yell and scream at guys he’s not dating, and the next thing you know he’s yelling and really doesn’t seem entirely balanced.
Some of the guys (okay, just Lee and Bryce) tell Rachel’s friend Raven, then later Iggy also tattles.
Despite getting some big red flags waving in her face, Rachel gives Eric the group date rose, and later decides not to take it away (well, at least not yet).
Still, Eric has to scream at the guys for having his name in their mouths. I expect he will fully melt down either next week or shortly thereafter. So much for no drama.
The Bachelorette airs Mondays on ABC at 8 p.m.