Darn it, this week starts out so, so well! There was a barbecue and slumming A-list actors and, a little later, some kissing. It really shouldn’t have melted down into the bubbling vat of crazy it became.
I guess even well-worn reality TV shows can throw some unexpected ingredients into the stew lest the constant repetition of “He’s not in this for the right reasons” makes our collective heads explode.
The first date was a group barbecue, and the guys going on it seemed exponentially more excited than they should have been about burgers and hot dogs.
Of course, they can’t have television, books, or cell phones in the McMansion, so the prospect of doing anything beyond extensive personal grooming is probably pretty compelling.
Luckily, the bland little barbecue they thought they were getting was upgraded with the appearance of Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher.
It turns out they’re huge fans of the show, so they had no problem popping by to scream at the bachelors as they navigated through a baby-themed obstacle course.
Initially this seemed like a silly challenge, but it may have actually been easier to have a real baby. With a timer running, each guy got a baby doll that needed to be changed out of a poopy diaper. Next each bachelor had to put on a Baby Bjorn, which is not as intuitive as you’d think.
There was a vacuum race, a clot of hair that had to be pulled from a sink, a ring that had to be fished out of a sink of dirty dishes, and finally, a table to set. It’s not surprising that only two make it to the end — Kenny and that fool Lucas Whaboom.
It’s a tight race, but then Lucas has to show extremely poor sportsmanship by stiff-arming Kenny. Amazingly, he isn’t immediately disqualified, and yes, he wins the race. The good news is that all he seems to get for this is a dorky medallion to wear around his neck.
If anyone has any doubts about Lucas’ real motives, he seems more excited about the chance to ask Ashton Kutcher to try a “whaboom” for the cameras than winning.
Ashton smells the opportunism in the air and instead gives the creep an air horn blast, thank God. You know Lucas just wanted that moment for his reel.
While Rachel leads Lucas away for a romantic chat, Blake reveals to the other bachelors that he’s known the guy for the last three years and even lives with his ex-girlfriend, whom he is also having evicted. I’m not sure if either of these guys is looking like a great catch at this point, to be honest.
Then again, Rachel isn’t looking so smart anyway. She isn’t horrified by Lucas’ straight-arming of Kenny — hey, he was in it to win it! Stop it, Rachel.
She chats with a few more of the guys, but admits that the conversations have been mundane. It’s hard to be romantic after you’ve been changing fake poopy diapers and clearing hair clogs, Rachel!
She finally has a spark with Dean (he who vowed to go black and never go back), and despite also sharing a hot moment with Kenny, gives Dean the group date rose.
Peter gets the one-on-one this week. He and Rachel have a cute date with her very adorable dog Cooper, whom they take to Palm Springs for BarkFest. There’s a pool for the dogs in attendance, as well as a photo booth and doggie smoothies. To his credit, Peter does not roll his eyes once, and Rachel swoons.
At dinner, they bond over the gaps in their front teeth and the fact they’ve both been in therapy. There’s a rose, and there are fireworks (literally — stuff blows up in the sky on purpose). Ah, romance at last!
The last group date is basketball, and the guys are so excited! Because they’ve been housebound without television or their cell phones!
There is always a Romanesque battle of warriors on this show, and this one is the typical ego tripping silliness we’ve come to expect. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar comes by to seem mildly bored and paternal toward Rachel. It’s all very nice.
Well, it is until DeMario’s girlfriend drops by. Whaaaa?
Yeah, Lexi may be a crazy ex-girlfriend (which is DeMario’s go-to argument), but she also has information to back up her claim that he was with her for seven months before ghosting her three days before she saw him on TV.
Yeah, Rachel tries to let him explain himself, but all he’s spewing is panicked gobbledygook and she sends him packing.
She threatens to walk herself — and won’t even talk to Chris Harrison — so you know this is a bitter disappointment for her. DeMario was a frontrunner.
The remaining guys are upset on her behalf, and Josiah acts appropriately protective. Rachel kisses him and gives him the group date rose, which seems like a fair trade.
When it’s time for the rose ceremony, guess who drops by? DeMario! He looks like he can’t find his tie or an iron, and he needs to talk to Rachel one last time! Of course he does.
Rachel seems interested in hearing what he has to say, but the other bachelors seem just as interested in beating him senseless. This could go south or just be a giant dramatic fizzle, but guess what? We won’t find out until next week! So… oh well!
The Bachelorette airs on ABC Mondays at 9:00 p.m.