Last week, The Bachelor Presents: Listen to Your Heart was most exciting.
Julia and Sheridan and Brandon and Savannah all left, and after the moment of silence for the lack of concern we had for how that whole thing shook out, we rode along on tour busses to Vegas.
Everyone kind of laid around for a while, and then Natascha and Ryan ruined everything in every way.
Out they went.
Wasn’t Jamie going to tell Trevor she loved him?
She did, and he said, “I’m falling in love with you too,” and this all took place at an ice rink at which she was wearing a knit cap and also a crop top.
It wasn’t even anywhere near a district-level pair’s skating competition.
They were sitting on a couch, which for no reason, sat in the middle of the rink. A sign outside the arena welcomed JAMIE AND TREVOR. To this day, people are still wandering around Vegas, wondering what that was all about.
What happened with Bri and Chris?
They wore matching clothes.
Not sure. I did a lot of tumbler refilling that night.
And Rudi and Matt?
They nonchalantly walked away from an enormous fire burning in a noted dry area and then (ostensibly) spent the night in a horrifying motel that probably had a sign out front advertising it had free HBO.
Also, Rudi told Matt she loved him, or was falling in love with him, or however they’re saying it on The Bachelor Franchise these days. He was like, “yeah, thanks.”
So that’s gonna wind up a real Elizabeth Barrett Browning poem of a love story.
Natascha and Ryan screwed up during the performances, right?
Natascha and Ryan screwed up during the performances. I will say I did not see that coming. I missed what exactly happened, but it was something about a microphone and a guitar.
That one guy from Train whose name I already forget was quite put out, and yeah, she blew it. He didn’t blow it. It wasn’t his to blow.
But all the judges up to now have been sailing along on the Natascha Train with one arm hanging onto the pole and the other out the window like they’re Judy Garland in Meet Me in St. Louis, so this was a quite the moment.
What’s the most romantic, emotional, and dramatic thing that happened to you this week?
Well, in my house, there was a ginormous spider. And it was clearly a radioactive carnivorous one, so like the independent fierce adult woman I am, I threw at Josh The Pilot‘s hiking boot at it.
Then the boot, and presumably the spider underneath it, sat in the middle of the hallway until an exterminator could come out to spray his friends because I wasn’t touching any of that.
The exterminator vanquished the spider and wanted to know if I’d noticed the rat droppings in the garage. No, I had not.
He suggested that I sweep them up while he set some traps.
So I got a snow sweeper and a shovel and moved them as far away from me and the places I walk and eat and breathe as possible, and then threw away the snow sweeper and also would have thrown away the house had it not contained all my yoga pants.
I agreed to the traps because I assumed they were the kind that traps the rat in a closed box and then a flipped switch or something on the side of it tells you there’s a dead rat inside and then you use the longest-handled item in your home to push it into the neighbor’s yard.
But no, the traps were the sort from Tom and Jerry cartoons, those wooden kinds with the springs where you can see the dead rat and have to touch it, and I was under the impression those went out with typhoid fever and stovepipe hats.
And I was scared to have this thing in my garage because it presented the possibility of actually killing a rat, which I am normally great with unless it’s sitting there dead in my garage with its head snapped off and no servants to dispose of it.
Therefore, I was determined to get rid of the trap, but I was afraid of getting anywhere it because, I mean, I’ve seen Tom and Jerry cartoons.
So I picked it up with the aforementioned shovel and scared the crap out of myself because the trap snapped and flipped up in the air just like the cartoon told me it would.
I carried it through the lawn to the garbage can where it and all the rats can go right straight to hell.
It was a very emotional journey, and I’m not grateful for any of it.
The finale is tonight, in Nashville, and you’re gonna… watch it and forget it, I’m thinking.
The Bachelor Presents: Listen to Your Heart airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC.