Welcome to this week’s musings on Swamp People on History, where Louisiana people show up the rest of the country for grit and humor. Not to mention recipes for a gator’s a**hole. I kid. They are very resourceful with the exotic ingredients and let nothing go to waste.
Good lord. After tonight’s big bull fest, you couldn’t pay me to venture into the swamp after seeing all the well-fed and massive re-population of swamp dragons living everywhere.
And you sure couldn’t sell me a water-side retirement home where my grandchildren would be served up as tasty two-legged hors d’oeuvres to these beasts. What was Troy’s pal Chick thinking?
Swamp People recap, what happens?
That’s the situation we have tonight: A grandfather trying to make a four-foot metal fence to keep out – get this – 12-plus foot gators (they can climb walls by the way) and a beloved gun given to our favorite swamper Ashley Dead Eye Jones from her dad that is EATEN UP and dragged into the mud when she was just trying to bag it for Ronnie.
So, of course, she jumped in to retrieve it, safety be damned. It was awesome. Captain Ronnie Adams knows he has the best hunter of the lot riding in his skiff.
Swamp People episode three, The Champ is in reference to Willie Edward’s nickname for an elusive 12-plus foot beast that he knows personally and would like to kill. That’s how Willie rolls. You have no idea he has his sights set for you (he needs subtitles) then bam!
Whereas Daniel Edgar aka Mr. Daniel chews on it, stews on it, and takes his gator nemeses personally like Grande Noir (‘membah him?), Willie is matter-of-fact about his kills and ain’t got no time to waste. Daniel plots his revenge for years, y’all.
Oh, my Gawd I have been writing up this show forever! ‘Choot me now.
The problem at hand: Bulls
We open at the end of the first week of gator season. The big bulls are the focus and this week, we open on Lake Verret with Ronnie and Ashley, heading into one of their favorite honey holes. A down line means one thing, big ol’ Mamou. A ten-footer. Meh. I mean come on, we’ve been seeing 12-plus footers so the bar is totally raised. We need the freak show of gators now.
Next, the old school Cajun altakakas Troy and Terral are on Fillet Bayou which I think they totally made up because I cannot find a Fillet or Filet Bayou anywhere on the Google and their pal is named Chick which makes me think of fried chicken sandwiches and anti-LGBT charities and Popeye’s being a better sandwich anyway. I digress.
Troy’s pal Chick the lame fence builder says a bull invasion is underway. He’s even building this aforementioned (not very high) metal fence to keep the gators out and keep his grandkids safe. Troy admires the metalwork and then looks at Terral like, well we got the day planned.
In Bayou Sorrel, Willie and Little Willie are up at bat heading to Black Lagoon, where the hunt for bulls in on baby.
They have a live one, then…nothing.
“He gone,” Willie says. That’s it! Willie’s entire spoken line. He’s awesome.
I spoke too soon. “The Champ, he’s a heavyweight. I dunn gone a coupla’ rounds with him…I think he weighs 1,000, 1,200 pounds,” says Willie expounding on the merits of killing this leviathan.
Mardi Gras Pass is where Joey Edgar and Zak Catchem head, as the estuary is brackish and this fertile feeding ground is only accessible by the bulls who can handle the salt, much like a saltie croc. So this is not the place to swim is what we are saying.
Always totally upbeat like he’s sucked down three Red Bulls, engaged and full of remarks like “wow,” “BIG FISH” and “oh my god”, Zak has a furious monster on the line, as “Pop” Joey tries to balance in the boat while Zak is running around with a pole and a live wire on the end of it. If you paired Zak with Willie on a boat, somebody gonna die.
Mardi Gras Pass is the land of the giants as they haul a 12-plus footer in the boat. See? We aren’t interested in those paltry 11 footers anymore. Y’all have spoiled us viewers. We won’t be happy until someone bags a 15-footer or a rogue saltwater crocodile that someone dumped in the river.
Back in the Black Lagoon, the Willie team, pere et fils, is looking for The Champ. Shouldn’t the monster be called ‘The Creature”?
“That alligator there you can’t play with him,” says Willie just like that, no punctuation needed in that sentence.
They attempt it again and get a hand burner, aka an active smaller gator that thrashes. Apparently this one was a female and The Champ, according to Willie Senior, “is gonna get mad.” He just knows that messing with the breeding harem is going to somehow elicit a revenge play by this ancient ginormous male gator. This is why fans love Willie. They come for the improbable backstories.
Back in Filet Bayou, Troy and Terral are scouting Chick’s area and the hunt is on. Wife-beater connoisseur Big Buddy is on the line as Troy ‘choots. But “Ole Henry” as Terral calls him, is big but there’s a lot more.
They come upon massive tracks. A plan is subsequently hatched. Bad boy Chase Landry is called in to do the long-range chootin’.
In a secret honey hole, Ronnie and Dead Eye Jones are on a roll. Until that gator bites her dad’s gun and drags it in the drink. She jumps in and has to feel around in the muck with gators and she finds the gun.
Then she has to stab the huge gator in the head to kill it.
“You brave,” says Ronnie. Understatement of the episode.
In the remote Black Lagoon, the Willies are confident the female kill will force The Champ to show his reptilian hand. They wait. And watch. Bubbles give away the giant leviathan. It’s The Champ. Upon inspection, it is not The Champ, but (according to Willie’s harem theory) a cuckolded male who is 12 feet long, but Willie says the Champ “is way bigger than him”
Back to Chase Landry. Troy’s son creates an ambush, and lo and behold there is a monster in the line of fire. Chase fires and gets him. He hooks him and pulls up a gator but like The Champ, it’s not “the big one” that Troy and Terral sent Chase to dispatch Chick’s dilemma and get er dun.
In Lake Verret, Ronnie and Ashley are stabbing gators left and right in the head as her gun is too muddied up to use safely. “Time’s money,” says Ronnie. Ain’t it though.
Blue crabs are spawning over at the Mardi Gras Pass and the bull party is underway for Team Edgar.
“The monsters are here but we got our work cut out for us.” Cue the biggest swamp dragon we have ever seen covering this show. They bag a 12-plus footer.
In Black Lagoon, the Willies are still on the hunt for The Champ, which is rivaling Daniel Edgar’s Grande Noir for elusive and bedeviling behavior. Willie’s going to set up an ambush too, but in the end, The Champ loses his title and is in Willie’s boat. “He dead.”
Meanwhile, Joey and Zak pulled the picket out into the lake, they grab it and a monster emerges. “We gonna kill this alligator,” says Pop.
“Big fish,” says Zak. They finished the day with 19 gators at an average of over 10 feet each. Joey says he’s never had a day like that day in Mardi Gras Pass.
Finishing up the episode, Chick’s problem gator is finally killed by Terral and Troy (photo above) as the episode wraps and we wonder where are Frenchy and Gee? We also wonder if Glenn Guist has hung up his swamp shoes (we kid, he never wears shoes) and if Bruce will be making a comeback.
Swamp People airs Thursdays at 9/8c on History Channel.
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