Monsters and Critics columnist Liz Long recaps The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Season 12, Episode 6, High Cries and Misty Demeanors, with a little help from a glass of pinot (or two) …
Hello, my dah-lings! On last night’s RHOBH, we bargained down $5,000 rings, sipped one too many margaritas, and became each other’s mouthpieces!
I’m looking at you, Ms. Jayne.
Yes, Erika couldn’t help interjecting herself all over the Crystal/Sutton drama, talking for Crystal in every moment she could while, ironically, telling Crystal she needs to stand up for herself.
It doesn’t matter if 14 anonymous people don’t like Crystal. If it’s coming out of Sutton’s mouth, she isn’t here for it.
So pour a marg with no salt for your sister over here, and let’s recap.
Erika swoops in on a sad Crystal opportunity
While half of the ladies go shopping (the Sutton/Garcelle/Kyle/Dorit half), the other half (Erika/Crystal/Diana, and Rinna) go surfing.
Also known as Erika’s time to become besties with Diana and morph into Crystal’s drunk mom.
Crystal is all sad over Sutton calling her a liar.
Scratch that.
Crystal is all sad AFTER Erika repeatedly reiterated that Sutton called her a liar. And that’s not okay.
“She called you a liar last night, baby.” “I want you to stand up for yourself, baby.”
Baby, I mean Crystal, knows deep down this new friendship purely stems from Erika’s hatred toward Sutton, but I presume she’s getting a little too liquored up to give a damn, and a friendship with Erika is better than no friendships at all.
I mean, Crystal does have some openings in the friends’ department. Fourteen of them, to be exact.
14 Friends dropped Crystal
So, last week, we got a little tease of an alleged friend group dropping Crystal like a sack of hot potatoes.
And, this week, over dinner, we get to flesh out just what the heck is going on.
After a good session to cleanse the ladies of all toxicity, the ladies get right down to being toxic. Ahhhh, how I love this show.
With the help of Erica’s prompting, Crystal tells the ladies how she won’t stand for Sutton calling her a liar.
Scratch that.
Crystal sat there like a quiet little mouse while Erika did all the talking and shaming of Sutton.
Queen, do you have anything to say about this nonsense?
Amen, sister, with the flower in your hair looking like a Goddess.
I know, let’s talk about Diana’s book, Room 23!
On second thought…
Sutton – the key word being Sutton – brings up that Crystal has a behavior pattern in friend groups. To be liked, she has to make others look bad.
But because Sutton said this, Erika is all; these people aren’t here, so you can’t say that.
Interestingly, Kyle has also heard about this alleged group of friends and this ongoing problem with Crystal.
Rinna? You got anything to add? “Crystal has told me that she’s had a fallen out with like 14 friends. She knows I know these girls. I don’t know all of them. I mean, it’s a lot to be dropped by 14 friends!”
And the plot thickens…
At the end of the Punta Mita day, Sutton apologies for spreading “hearsay” [Erika with the interjection: “RUMORS”], but she will NOT apologize for defending herself against these Crystal attacks.
So what is left for Sutton to do? Why she’s going to get Crystal to vow in front of everyone (minus the 14 friends) that she will not talk ill of Sutton’s character again.
Crystal vows, and that should be it, except Crystal just can’t let the mouse go, and she says, “I mean, last night you told me you hated me.”
And before we mix words up, I watched the replay, and Sutton said, “I like you. As much as I hate you, I like you.”
Can these ladies not take a comment made in jest?!?
Well, you better believe Erika can’t, and now Erika’s BFF Diana isn’t going to let it go either.
Diana is not a Sutton Stan
Diana: “I very clearly heard you say you hated Crystal, Sutton.”
Confessional Diana: “What I’m witnessing is a bacon-eating vegetarian. Here she goes again, contradicting herself.”
Has anyone seen Sutton’s pink vibrator face thing she used to carry around because I think we’re going to need it?
Keep calm … Sutton … just keep calm.
Sutton points her finger in Diana’s face: “I AM A NICE PERSON! I am a nice person!”
Ah, hells bells.
As much as our resident Bridget Bardot has a point here (Sutton, ya did lose your cool), I gotta say – stop calling my Sutton clumsy, Diana!
That’s. Not. Nice.
And because Diana appears like she’s against Sutton, that just makes Erika’s adoration for her grow even more.
Erika (*whispering across the table dramatically*): “I love you, Diana.”
Diana: “I love you too.”
Garcelle: “I’m sorry – everyone is just way too much. I’m just gonna eat my artichoke.”
Have I mentioned how much I love Garcelle?
Diana cries because she is vulnerable and just trying to help. Sutton comes back and genuinely apologizes. Because we are on the precipice of peace, Erika has to go with this again:
“She was crying, Sutton.”
Ugh. Now she is on my last dang nerve. Erika – how about YOU apologize for your abrasive behavior!
But the question remains: IS Crystal manipulative? Kyle, Sutton, Garcelle, Rinna are all questioning this as soon as Crystal leaves. They don’t like how she just cowers in the corner playing the victim role. Plus, we have these 14 people saying bad things …
Crystal’s mouthpiece Erika – as if she just came to life or sobriety – is all, “who is saying bad things?”
Well, ma’am, Sutton was TRYING to tell you about these 14 folks, but YOU dismissed it, saying they’re not here. Now you’re open to hearing about it because it’s coming from Kyle’s mouth?
Ma’am. I do not accept this. And isn’t it interesting how quickly Rinna and Erika are willing to chat about Crystal when she gets up?
I will eat my artichoke now.
‘Til next week, my Housewives-lovers!
Next week, the real fun begins. Will we see Denise Bravo Bravo Bravo Richards?!? And good Lord is that Erika being mud pie messy wasted on a yacht?!!
Can’t wait.
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs Wednesdays at 8/7c on Bravo.