Recap: Vanderpump Rules, The Bunch of Friggin Sheep Edition!


Just gonna ask this – how did the biggest bitch (Stassi) and the biggest moron (Jax) end up being the ringleaders of a group of nitwits like those fools at Sur? Baaahhhh! Bunch of friggin sheep!

Stassi and Jax are like #MeanGirls who couldn’t get along and started their own cliques. I think I’m glad they’re not together anymore because “Vanderpump Rules” would be really scary to watch.

“I only want to boss around cool people, not losers,” Stassi says. I bet she was a dork in high school.

Pride goeth before a fall and I really hope I’m watching when that bitch falls flat on her face. I’m not saying that she doesn’t have the best one-liners on the show. She’s funny as hell. But she’s really, really mean. And remind me, what is it that she does for a living now? I thought so.

Really, the drama of the night was watching Kristen go from cray-cray to actually providing the kind of stuff Tom will eventually need for his protective order. She moved out six months ago but just changed her address. Any excuse to go over there.

“Did you tell Tom you’re going to show up at his place today or are you just going to show up and run?” James asks Kristen.

“How many more times do you think you’ll have to do that?” James points out it’s her fourth trip over to her ex-boyfriend’s house to get things. She’s cray-cray stalker material and he knows it. I don’t think he’s upset about Tom because I don’t think he’s straight, but I think he sees her making an ass of herself and is trying to stop it. Besides, it makes him look like a patsy.

Meanwhile, Tom is taking precautions.

“Kristen’s coming over here and I don’t want to be here alone,” Tom tells Schwartz he’s the babysitter.

Tom has her stuff all packed up and ready to go. But she tries to hang out and chat and look through her mail. She’s dressed like a slut and was so obviously hoping to make a play for him. Even Tom’s not that stupid. Is he?

He sees through her dressing all trashy for him and encourages her to wrap things up. She starts bitching that he won’t return her texts.

“Apparently, Tom thinks he needs a bodyguard to be around me. He’s such a baby,” Kristen doesn’t understand her Single White Female impression is scaring all of us and those people actually know her.

Tom tells her to back off on Ariana.

“I think when things start off badly and dishonestly, they’re not going to end well. And we know that. And that’s how you guys started,” Kristen accuses. Tom denies it.

“Do you want me to be happy for you guys together?” Kristen’s getting psycho hysterical.

“We are so happy together Kristen. We have a great friendship and a great relationship,” Tom says. Rub it in a little, buddy.

“Why would you stay with someone for six years?” Kristen actually pleads with him in front of Schwartz. God, that must be so humiliating.

“I felt trapped… I don’t want to be around you Kristen. I don’t want to be around you,” Tom tells her to leave.

“She came over here dressed to the f**king nines… you know in her mind she thought there was a possibility…” Tom says. “She’s crazy.”

Ariana gets home shortly thereafter and hears the blow by blow. She’s so cool I don’t trust her. Hmmm.

“We had sex. We had good sex,” Schwartz brags that he and Katie have made up to Ariana and Tom. So now we know that Katie is a fool. A big one.

Here’s the thing, all is forgiven but Schwartz is still being bffs with Jax even after he tried to destroy his relationship with Katie. The entire Twitter-sphere things Schwartz has a thing for Jax that’s not quite platonic. Whatever the relationship, it ain’t healthy. Schwartz is a little puppet.

“I would prefer that you just not see Jax,” Katie tells him over dinner. Schwartz won’t break up with Jax for Katie, though. And yet, she stays with him.

Schwartz is also under fire from Stassi, who verbally attacks him each and every time she sees him. It’s not that I don’t agree with what she says but she needs to get the f**k out of Katie’s business. She’s way too far up in it, and she’s not wearing it well. It’s kind of twisted.

“I don’t like you,” Stassi hisses at him over the bar at Pump on Pride Day. “Who just makes out with someone?” Poor Schwartz is trying to work and he sucks at bartending even when he’s not under Stassi-stress. Bad timing.

“You can’t apologize for something like that,” Stassi says of Jax’s betrayal.

“Jax is like poison. Schwartz is just too stupid to realize that Jax has always tried to drive a wedge between Schwartz and Katie,” Stassi knows it all in interview. Thing is, she seems to be trying to pry them apart just as hard as Jax. If they combined their energy to do evil together, they’d be unbeatable.

“Honestly, I’m sick of people making excuses for these people… they’re all disgusting,” Stassi says. “They each make each other feel better about the other bad things they’ve done.”

Katie explains that it’s okay for Schwartz to go do things with Jax, like “go-karting” as if that’s something that cannot be missed. Next week it will be paintball. Then laser tag. Oh for God’s sake, get a grip!

“I don’t want Jax to end my relationship one way or another,” Katie tells Stassi. “I have to let it go.”

“Well that sucks, you shouldn’t have to,” Stassi is totally encouraging her to leave his ass. I agree but I don’t like her tactics. Totally guerilla warfare.

“I don’t want to see my relationship deteriorate because of Jax,” Katie says… wow, that ship has already sailed. Can anybody guess the river she’s sailing down? OMG.

Stassi grills Schwartz again when they cross paths at his apartment.

“You shouldn’t allow anyone to talk to your girlfriend the way that Jax does,” Stassi, the great protector, is on the attack.

“I did want to protect her and I did. I handled the situation,” Schwartz is delusional too. But he doesn’t have to answer to Stassi. I wish he’d tell her to mind her own business and f**k off.

“It’s not about Jax, it’s about us,” Schwartz says. “Why do we keep talking about Jax?”

“Cuz he did something awful to your girlfriend,” Stassi snarks.

“He should be exiled,” Stassi announces. Well, there you have it. The Queen has spoken. Off with his head.

There’s a new girl at Sur with a dubious past. Vail (yeah, I bet that’s her real name) is the new hostess and tells Lisa she’s got a degree from Princeton and is just trying to support herself as an actress. Little more truth? She used to be on “The Young and the Restless” so how did she end up handing out tables at Sur? And she’s skeezy too, trying to figure out how to make under-the-table tips on her first day.

“All that glitters is not gold,” Lisa is skeptical. She has to be. Vail is late to work her first week. It’s a hostess job honey, not rocket science. All you have to do is get there on time and smile.

Vail tells Lisa that she’s struggled with substance abuse – but not alcohol so drinking’s okay, right? She must’ve done a different 12-step program than the one I’m familiar with. But I’m not an expert. Look for trouble with this one. Where is BravoTV coming up with all these soap stars this year? First Eileen and Lisa Rinna on RHOBH and now Vail on “Vanderpump Rules?” Any excuse for camera time in Vail’s case, I’m sure.

“I don’t encourage any intercompany dating,” Lisa tells her. Bahahaha! And she flat out warns her about Jax. As does everybody else on staff. Yes, he’s a menace.

“Every day there’s a new supermodel coming in there and they literally wear a dress you can fit in their hand,” Jax also points out they don’t wear bras and underwear.

Maybe the guy has a point. Not that it’s okay for him to be such a pig. But the girls who work there dress like big sluts. Every single one of them.

Next week Vail starts working her magic on Jax. And yes, I do see that going that way. He’s just being himself and she’s been warned and she’s going to ignore it so she can get right into the middle of the drama and kickstart her career.

And Tom and James will have another bitchslap contest. #GroundhogDay.

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