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Recap: ‘Vanderpump Rules’ Reunion, Hold The Wax Bravo!

lisa vanderpump
Recap: “Vanderpump Rules” Reunion, Hold The Wax

*editor’s note: This is the first blog post by our guest Sandy Malone, star of TLC’s Wedding Island.

I’ve just finished watching Part 2 of that horrendous “Vanderpump Rules” reunion – I think we can all agree that none of us needed to see that waxing scene again.

Seriously girls, you got on your knees and spread your butt-cheeks for the cameras? Production had to be howling in the control van outside the salon. There’s willing to do anything for fame, and there’s what you did. Your parents must be so proud. Lisa was clearly horrified. I hope Stassi’s little brother missed that one.

I think it’s appropriate to start my “Vanderpump Rules” second season rehash talking about the lady for whom this fabulous piece of reality television is named. Is it my imagination or is her husband starting to look like Giggy the dog? Or is it the other way around? They dress the same so I suppose it really doesn’t matter.

Despite the slightly eccentric husband, Lisa manages to come across as a lady in charge and in control of everything. RHOBH fans know the other Housewives are getting sick of her take charge attitude, but I’ve gotta say I admire it given what she’s got to work with. I mean, somebody at some point has to have the balls to say “put the bottle down ya big boozehound – you’re making an ass of yourself on national television AGAIN” (not an exact quote, but it’s what Lisa was trying to tell Brandi in Palm Springs). Lisa does that with her so-called “friends.” Which is why “Vanderpump Rules” is so damned confusing to me in contrast.

I have an amazing amount of respect for Lisa Vanderpump. I’ve had the experience of filming a reality TV show while I was trying to run a real business and I know what a time-suck it is (although I didn’t get hair and makeup before my interviews so it’s clearly much harder on Lisa, who always looks friggin’ amazing and has a closet bigger than my bedroom).

The thought of filming two shows concurrently – as Lisa does with RHOBH and “Vanderpump Rules” – is rather daunting. With that said, she manages to do it. And quite well, judging by the ratings. I don’t care what kind of snarky bullshit the other Housewives have to say when she doesn’t show up at their stupid, production-created events – at some point you’ve gotta cut the lady some slack – she can’t go 24/7.

With that said, she’d have a shitload more free time if she’d unload this group of walking disasters that she calls her service staff at Sur. Actually, she can keep Ariana behind the bar so that at least one of her bartenders can make the restaurant’s signature Cosmo (she put Jax and Tom to shame in her mix-off at the staff meeting). Peter wouldn’t be so bad except he’s sleeping with the girls who work under him and we all know it’s a bad idea to shit where you eat. Literally in this case. Staff meals and all that.

I have to wonder if Lisa’s contract with BravoTV or her production company prohibits her from firing any of these idiots. It seems like she can fire them – how many times were you there with me, watching her talk to Jax or Kristen or Stassi, thinking FOR GOD’S SAKE LISA, JUST FIRE THEM! OMG, it seemed like on a weekly basis I wanted to be able to reach through the television screen and knock some of those fake heads together. And Lisa sorta let me down every time with her half-assed warnings… shake your finger at them and call them “naughty.”

Lisa, how’s that been working for you? Not real well. So I’m guessing (hoping, praying, assuming) in Lisa’s defense, that she can’t actually fire them because of the show, but would if she could. I have observed, in the background, that there seems to be a whole other service staff working the actual floor when the show is filmed in the restaurant. You’d have to do that because all of the cast service staff is either arguing with each other, drinking, or sitting in the alley smoking cigarettes. During one scene there were so many of them outside that I had to wonder who was left inside to tend the bar and restaurant patrons. Just a little ridic if you ask me. But assuming that the cast of Vanderpump Rules are actually what they say they are – aspiring actresses, models and singers working tables til they get their big break – let’s talk about them.

I’m going to give the award for HOT MESS OF SEASON TWO to Kristen. We knew you had problems when you got upset with Tom for doing a professional shoot with a female model (cuz, like, that’s his job – or he wishes it was), and you got your knickers in such a wad about Ariana working with him at Sur that you practically tossed him into her arms. You were almost sadistic in your treatment of Tom when you found out he played kissyface with someone in Vegas, and yet you were riding Jax on his couch while Tom was asleep in the next room in basically the same time frame. Where is your family? Why haven’t your parents come and gotten you and brought you back home for some intensive therapy yet? God, watching Kristen disintegrate on television is almost as painful as watching Katie when she’s drunk – except Katie can find a 12-step program for what ails her and poor Kristen is just completely wired wrong.

Girl Code, Kristen. You blew it. And took away Stassi’s HOT MESS crown she worked so hard to earn first season. Along with sleeping with her boyfriend. You are a real winner. Talk about keeping your enemies closer – the word “frienemies” was created for you. Stassi’s mean but she isn’t trash like Kristen. Tom wasn’t a bad boyfriend overall (if you don’t count the weird factor of living with a man who regularly borrows your hair products and eyeliner and adds a whole new level to the meaning of “metrosexual”), but you were a hellaciously scary girlfriend. Clearly, he was very much in love with you to stay so long. Or you’re a convenient beard – the jury is still out on that one (especially after watching him at the tanning salon and applying makeup for his passport photo – gimme a break).

Maybe the apartment rental housing market in Los Angeles is as bad as NYC, but I don’t think that’s why he stayed. He loved you. He may have had secret hots for Ariana and fucked up a couple of times with her, but if you’d left it alone and gotten some help for your own demons, you two would probably still be together. Not like you weren’t cheating on him too.

I have never seen a man surf the River Denial for so long in my life. It literally took Jax laughing in his face in public to put the guy over the edge. And even then, he intentionally hit Jax in the forehead so he wouldn’t hurt his model face. Tom would make an excellent sniper the way he keeps his cool. Um, that’s not a suggestion for dealing with Kristen, Tom. Or Jax.

jax vanderpump
Jax, not the Sons of Anarchy one….

But what about Jax? Is he a sociopath? A sex addict? A show boater willing to do anything to get that mug of his on camera? Don’t get me wrong, as long as his shirt is off, I’m willing to look at him all day long. But those bullshit sessions with the shrink – boohoo I’m a sex addict (no Jax, just like Danny-boy in “Breaking Bonaduce – going to the shrink on TV didn’t score you any viewer sympathy, dude) and does anybody really believe anything that comes out of his mouth? Seriously? We could analyze the Stassi tattoo for the rest of our lives and never understand why he thought that was a good idea? And if you’re really going to make a pathetic ass out of yourself for love, do you think doing it on television is the best route to go? Apparently so. Amazing, I tried my hardest not to make an ass of myself on reality television and this guy has built his career on it. Something for me to think about. Maybe I was going about it all backwards.

So Jax wanted Stassi back so bad that he branded himself with her and slept with her best friend. Try to figure that one out. But I’m not very sympathetic to Stassi here anyway. She was Queen of the Mean Girls last season and, although she tried her absolute hardest to keep her crown, it slipped a little this season, with Kristen and Katie taking alternate grabs.

I want to know more of this chick’s back-story – I remember that she was a friend of Pandora’s and that’s how Lisa explained her presence in the first season, but why was this poor little rich girl hanging around playing waitress for so long? Just for the reality TV opportunity? And is that why she’s allegedly left the show? She’s such a petty, jealous, mean girl – remember when Pandora offered Scheana a chance to write for her blog and Stassi got upset about it? She talked to Scheana like she was so much better than her.

If I remember correctly, last season Pandora was up Stassi’s ass about missed deadlines and not blogging like she was supposed to. The girl needs content and Scheana’s willing to do it. Look, I know it’s painful to watch her sing and dance, but Scheana’s not inherently evil like some of this group.

Did you see the way that Stassi talked to Jax in Cabo when she wanted him go outside to talk to her? “Get outside. Get outside! GET OUTSIDE!!!” Even more fucked up was the way Jax jumped up and responded to her like a well-trained dog when she used a certain tone of voice. Stassi, treat guys like that and you’ll keep ending up with Jax-holes. And deserve it. You have an adorable little brother. Stop setting such a slutty example and do something with your life.

Katie isn’t consistent enough to wear the HOT MESS crown, but she’s got some issues. Talk about somebody who cannot hold her liquor – dear God! We all have friends who turn mean when they drink – and as you get older you kind of try to avoid hanging out with them (at least in public) – but Katie is mean and weepy, a horrible combination. And she flips on a dime. One minute she seems normal, the next she’s a psychotic drunk bitch who doesn’t care whose evening she ruins. I think Stassi’s a narcissistic fruitcake about her birthday, but that doesn’t mean you can have a meltdown and ruin it either.

The real question is this: Is Katie getting screwed by being edited into a drunken horror show, or is she like that all the time? If it’s more often than not, she needs to become a friend of Bill W. as soon as possible. She’s too young to be doing that to herself. Force her to take a daily look at The Huffington Post’s slideshow of stars who drank and drugged themselves into ugly.

On a positive note – good call on switching the hair color back to dark – my husband was so confused during the reunion – but he approved of you getting rid of that orange mess too. Was that Sun-In? Or was your stylist mad at you? Perhaps it was a Scheana conspiracy like the eye drops she gave Stassi to make her look like a freak (bahahaha that was weird looking but does ANYBODY ever actually feel sorry for Stassi? I don’t).

stassi photo shoot vanderpump
At least they can see no one is packing a weapon…

Mean Girls ain’t got nothing on this group when they come together. That attack on Kristen (I know you’re wondering which one) was totally staged – and it’s getting old. Again, why the hell is Lisa putting up with this shit? When she seems to be having a job performance conversation with Tom regarding the secret diner who busted him distracting his waitress (Scheana), he launched into this emotional, long personal story and Lisa actually sat there and listened to it and sympathized. She gave him a lecture but it was a joke.

I love love LOVED the scene they showed where Lisa is interviewing new bartenders for her restaurant and the candidate implies he hooks up with patrons after hours. “We try to keep it in the family here” has to be the QUOTE OF THE YEAR for “Vanderpump Rules.” That’s so true it’s scary. Remember that episode in the first season of “Grey’s Anatomy” when they all gave each other Syphilis? Anybody else not interested in seeing a spreadsheet of the STD tests of everybody who has had sex with Jax, or Stassi, or both of them? Ew.

On a total side note, tonight’s RHOBH scene where Brandi freaked at Lisa for being closer to Scheana than she implied was interesting to consider when you think through all the “Vanderpump Rules” episodes. I don’t think Lisa is any nicer to Scheana than anybody else necessarily, but I could see how letting her fiancé pop the question at their casa would piss off Brandi, given Scheana’s role in the demise of her marriage. I was actually surprised Brandi didn’t mention that specifically, but maybe she didn’t know about it when that episode was shot. I think it seems like Lisa is nicer to Scheana because she’s loyal to a girl who has worked for her for a couple of years, and she sees the girl as the underdog. Lisa prides herself in championing the underdog so it makes sense. At least that’s Lisa’s excuse for being friends with Brandi for so long.

vanderpump-rules-secrets-revealed-bravo
we drink to make YOU more interesting…

I’m looking for a serious staffing mix-up at Sur in Season Three if this show is going to continue to have legs because they can only swap partners around so many times before it gets redundant. They (as a whole) seem rather proud of their behavior.

While Lisa’s enjoying the benefits of a second successful show, this has got to be hard to stomach on a daily basis as a boss. The show is packing the restaurant for sure (clients of mine recently had dinner there and were posting Pandora sightings as they ate), but if that crew has to be relied on to actually work for a living, Lisa better make good on her promise to play waitress herself if need be. Because that time will come.

Looking forward to what another season brings… but please BravoTV, never show another ass-waxing session again. I can’t afford the therapy.

Sandy Malone is a reality TV star, expert wedding planner, and internationally-syndicated columnist for Conde Nast's BRIDES and The Huffington Post, in addition to Monsters... read more
Sandy Malone

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