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Recap: ‘Vanderpump Rules’ Double Header, The Pilfered Candles Edition

141223_2836791_Stassi_Does_Not_want_to_Celebrate_ScheanaJust forced myself to watch two episodes of “Vanderpump Rules” back-to-back in an effort to get all caught up for this week (damned Dish box succumbed the salt air on our tiny island here only five miles wide), and to some extent, the experience was painful. But maybe we should all have to watch a marathon because it gives a totally new perspective on what a big, lying, piece of shit Jax really is.

No, seriously. He’s such a whore. And a liar. But he must have something magic about him because all of his “friends” are willing to have him shit on them, lie to them and tell all their dirtiest secrets to the world and then they continue hanging out with him.

I don’t even feel sorry for his newest potential victim because she is LOVING the attention from this skeeze. Even after Vail finds out Jax is lying about texting her and posting things on social media, she’s good with it when he admits it. So not okay.

Of course, they have a lot in common. She has to have nose surgery because she snorted so much coke.

“I feel closer to you now,” Vail says after they share nose stories. Seriously?

Everyone has warned Vail that Jax is bad news, but that seems to inspire her. Lisa told her to avoid him and so has every woman at Sur.

Vail has lunch with a bunch of the Sur girls – and Stassi. Stassi has a list of things she feels she needs to teach Vail.

“One – How to steal and drink wine while you work. Two – How to call in ahead of time so someone can clock in for you when you’re running late. Three – Who to hate and who to like,” Stassi explains in interview. I wonder what Lisa thinks when she watches it. The first two things are actually criminal acts. Sounds like Lisa better get some security at Sur. I’d worry less about spots on the glasses and more about what your staff is going home with. She never said “boo” about Jax’s apartment filled with pilfered candles from her restaurant.

“You went to Princeton – why are you at Sur?” Stassi is direct. Vail’s story is sketchy. She’s got a degree in architecture and she’s got some soap opera credits and now she’s a hostess at a restaurant. Not that there’s anything wrong with any kind of honest work, but her story isn’t quite right.

And I’m going to be mean for a minute after watching for a few weeks. Can we get that thing removed from Vail’s lip? Pretty sure that would help her acting career. Nobody wants to kiss that on camera. I kept wondering if it could be construed as a beauty mark. Have decided that’s a no. A shame because she’s so pretty otherwise.

“Despite the warnings, he seems like a nice person,” Vail says about Jax. She’s obviously either looking for trouble or not too bright. Probably a combo of the two.
Here’s a great example of Vail in action, presumably at her professional best:

“Where are you in from?” Vail asks guests she’s seating at Sur.

“We’re from Vancouver,” guest replies.

“Vancouver, that’s amazing!” Vail’s an idiot. Guests look at her like she’s an idiot.

Maybe she and Jax would make a good couple.

“My problem is that Jax is just a complete asshole,” Katie whines. “I know that if Jax could just disappear from the planet that things would be so much better between Tom and I.” Yes, Katie, you’re right. Schwartz would stop lusting after Jax and might pay attention to you. Then again, he might start hooking up with Tom. Too early to call it.

Lisa’s got a problem – she’s opened the new Pump down the street and everybody is in total fuck-off mode at Sur. Spotty glasses, dead centerpieces and apparently they’re all boozing and cheating the time clock too. While she keeps saying she needs to fix things at Sur, all I see is her popping in and out between parties at Pump. Pump’s doing 800 people a night but still… the crew at Sur is enjoying being neglected.

There was a flat-out screaming throwdown between Tom and James at the bar. Well first it was Tom and James sitting down to talk, with Kristen listening in.

“I don’t need somebody like you in my life, man. I don’t need to be cool with you. Kristen is at the point right now where she’s a fucking kamikaze pilot,” Tom says. “I don’t hate you because that actually involves thought.” Ouch! Ultimate diss.

Then Kristen starts a fight with Tom at the bar. Then James joins in. For real? This is supposed to be a place of business.

“Stop obsessing over my life. I’m sorry you’re not happy,” Tom tells her.

“Kristen should just move the fuck on. Unfortunately, Kristen is not smart enough to realize this,” Tom explains in interview.

“You are crazy Kristen. That’s why you pursue people and hunt them down and are still obsessed over my life. And come over to my house with your tits hanging out,” Tom says to her face. She can’t even reply. She was mortified for a second. Maybe she took her meds that day.

James comes in to break up the argument and shit hits the fan. Where’s Peter? Screw management, they need to get babysitters to watch the staff.

Hope the show is giving Lisa a reality check. I’d be PISSED if it were me. She’s worked hard to build her businesses.

“I cannot tell you how frustrated I get when I walk into every restaurant I’ve ever owned and there’s a glaring fault that just shrieks out at me,” Lisa says. Standards have dropped since she’s been too busy to watch the “mice.”

Instead of fixing the restaurants, though, she’s getting involved in their personal lives again. She has a one-on-one with Katie at Pump about Schwartz and Jax.

“Jax’s hatred for me has grown. He decided he was going to make up a rumor that Tom, when they were in Vegas a few months ago, had sex with one of his girlfriend’s friends,” Katie tells Lisa.

“So he’s just being a dick,” Lisa agrees. “What do you want me to do?” Katie wants Lisa to move Jax to a different restaurant.

“I would rather look unprofessional than let Jax ruin my relationship,” Katie explains. Wow, honey, the ship has already sailed on that. I’m so sick of seeing Katie blubber in public. Go home and cry.

“The man you marry puts you first and I wouldn’t have it any other way,” Lisa tells Katie to give Tom Schwartz an ultimatum.

So Katie and Schwartz go to counseling, apparently with a reference from Lisa. They are ridiculous explaining their problems to the shrink. She looks like she doesn’t believe them 30 seconds in. I kinda feel sorry for the therapist.

“I feel like often when I do try to talk, it’s falling on deaf ears,” Katie says.

“I love her, I just took her for granted. I took Katie for granted,” Schwartz admits.

Was everybody else watching this thinking this couple is wasting their time??? Seriously. Few minutes of my life I can’t get back.

“As bad as this has all been, I feel like it was instrumental in moving forward in this relationship,” Schwartz says. And then describes himself as the Cowardly Lion. That’s pretty accurate.

Lisa’s up in Scheana’s business too – telling her that she should have included Katie and Stassi in her wedding plans. She’s not right about this one though. Katie just wants to be liked – by anybody. And Scheana invited her boyfriend Schwartz to the wedding but not her (ticky tacky, Scheana). Stassi wants nothing to do with the wanna-be pop star with the bad eyelashes and worst taste in clothing on the show.

“Do you think Ken would go to a wedding if I wasn’t invited?” Lisa asks Scheana. She says she’d kick him out if he did go. I agree, Lisa.

Scheana’s wedding is just a big ‘ole tacky-ass mess and it hasn’t even happened yet. OMG did you see those invitations? I’ve never seen a formal wedding invite with the word “WEDDING” spelled in three-inch gold glitter letters before. The sad thing is she just doesn’t know any better. This chick didn’t do Shippens or Miss Porter’s.

She had this idea that maybe if she invites Katie to her bridal shower and bachelorette trip, then she can include her for the wedding if it goes well. But that’s not how it works. Everybody at your pre-parties should be invited to the wedding. Of course, she invited Schwartz but not his live-in Katie to the wedding in the first place so her etiquette leaves a LOT to be desired.

And she’s getting bashed for it behind her back. It wouldn’t be as bad if Stassi wasn’t pissed at her, but she is. And so Scheana’s tacky little faux pas are all getting put on blast.

At her birthday party wine tasting, Scheana’s her favorite topic of bashing. And her friends are mostly on board.

“We got our second-tier invitation to Scheana’s wedding, three weeks after the RSVP date,” Jeremy, a bartender from Sur/Pump who suddenly appears in this episode, tells them.

Stassi explains the concept of tier-two invitations sent when not enough people have accepted in the first round.

“It is literally the cheesiest, tackiest invitation I could have ever imagined. I had a vision of what it would be and the tackiness level was at like a 7 ½. This is like at a 13.8,” Stassi jokes. And she’s totally right.

Kristen finds at Stassi’s birthday that Schwartz has received AND ACCEPTED an invite (she didn’t get one) and is an unhappy camper. But don’t want to confuse you with the chronology so I’ll move on. Suffice to say Scheana does invite her to the pre-events and Katie accepts like the homeless puppy she always is. Girl is so desperate for approval.

Stassi and Scheana meet for lunch at Scheana’s invitation. They immediately start arguing over why they’re arguing. It comes down to hurt feelings for Scheana who doesn’t get why Stassi made fun of her tacky wedding plans from day one.

Just as Stassi gets the upper hand, Scheana lets it drop that Katie’s coming to Miami. You can see the shock and hurt on Stassi’s face. Scheana is right – Stassi doesn’t have many friends left, at least not from the Sur crew.

“It’s a betrayal. And any betrayal – once I feel betrayed – it’s done,” Stassi says in interview. Wouldn’t want to be Katie right now. She’s in some deep shit. And when all hell breaks loose in Miami, Stassi won’t be there to prop her back up.

I’m starting to think Scheana is a bigger bitch than I realized. I felt sorry for her at first when she started working at Sur and came under attack, but she’s gotten too cocky. You gotta have the style and class to back that up. She’s got a great guy by all accounts but getting an engagement ring doesn’t make you better than anybody else. And I say this as a wedding planner.

Stassi and Scheana part with Stassi telling her she doesn’t want to be a part of her wedding plans or attend her wedding. Slap in the face to Scheana who thought she was doing a favor. But she deserved it.

Meanwhile, a week before the ill-fated bachelor/bachelorette party trip to Miami, Jax, both Toms and Peter head to San Diego for a boys’ weekend set up and comped entirely by Jax’s girlfriend Tiffany, who he dumped Carmen for but then texted everyone he’d broken up with the previous weekend. Then got back together with. Are you following that? It’s okay to be confused.

Tiffany hooks them up with a suite and comps at the Hard Rock San Diego and Jax is on the hunt immediately. Peter goes off and makes his own friends. Probably doesn’t want to be that near the skeezy guys. I used to like him til I saw him using a straightening iron in this episode. Now I have to lump him in with the rest of the moron males at Sur.

The guys actually try to keep Jax out of trouble. Tom’s totally cock-blocking by telling women that Jax’s girlfriend hooked them up with the party scene, but it doesn’t work. Jax brings women back to their room and apparently ends up having sex with one in their bathroom. Ew.

Jax wakes up drunk the next morning and falls off a chair. Probably one of the funniest things to happen on that show in weeks. He’s a mess. And too old for that.

And he lies to the guys about what happened even after they were all there! Claims he doesn’t remember a thing, but a week later he remembers all the details. Why do these people trust this guy with anything? They all talk about how if they’d been the ones to misbehave, Jax would have told the world.

“It’s assisted masturbation. The girl literally meant nothing. He brought her into the bathroom, fucked the shit out of her, and then like, they left,” Tom says he isn’t going to lie if Tiffany asks him what happened.

First thing he does when he gets home is tell Katie about it. Schwartz plays stupid. He’s typecast.

“Schwartz is like half weasel, half vagina,” Stassi says. Excellent assessment.

“He fucked the shit out of this girl in the bathroom,” Tom tells Katie that Jax screwed chicks in the room his girlfriend arranged to have comped for them.

“Dude, this guy’s afraid of Jax,” Tom tells Katie about her boyfriend. Schwartz doesn’t argue. Now he’s doing his Cowardly Lion thing.

“Sometimes people need to learn the hard way,” Tom says he’s gonna tell Tiffany.

“Yeah,” Schwartz agrees. He’s just not going to be in the vicinity when it happens.

Scheana’s bridal shower at Villa Blanca is beautiful. And not uneventful.

Ariane blows the secret on Jax with all the girls. Pandora toasts to being old and married. Scheana runs to tell the Kristen and Carmen – it’s not a secret anymore. Actually, it never was. There were cameras there.

I’m betting production will start showing little clips as Jax starts lying to everyone about what he didn’t do. We’ve already seen a couple of really short clips that tell us they’ve got it all on film.

Tom and Schwartz sort of confront Jax at lunch. Jax claims he was helping a puking girl hold her hair back in the bathroom, not having sex with her. Righhhht.

“Jax is just oozing contradictions right now. For a guy that’s been telling lies his entire life, he’s pretty shitty at it,” Schwartz jokes. But he still worships Jax.

Jax tells the guys he told Tiffany what happened in San Diego and she was cool with it. Liar liar, pants on fire! He immediately has to run back to his car and call her before somebody else does.

Predictably, she’s pissed.

“Yeah, I’d prefer you not do that again either. Since you didn’t tell me any of this, actually. I’m kind of like upset right now. To be honest. Cause I’m really mad right now… you have fun. Bye Jax,” Click! Go Tiffany! Question is whether this chick is smart enough to cut him off. She’s supposed to be going to Miami with the crew the next weekend.

There is no way in hell that they’ll get through the weekend with this crew all knowing what went down and nobody filling in the lovely Tiffany. In fact, that’s what the teasers show happening.

Exactly as Kristen predicted, the minute Jax gets backed into a corner, he’ll start spilling the beans (whatever he hasn’t already spilled) on all of his friends. Should be explosive to say the least! And now we’re all caught up til Monday night!

Sandy Malone is a reality TV star, expert wedding planner, and internationally-syndicated columnist for Conde Nast's BRIDES and The Huffington Post, in addition to Monsters... read more
Sandy Malone

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