Let’s not mess around about what went down on BravoTV’s “Vanderpump Rules” this week. I couldn’t live-tweet or blog that night because I was busy watching the Ohio State Buckeyes (my alma mater) trounce the Oregon Ducks. Thank God for the DVR.
So Jax is at least bi, or bi-curious, or maybe even gay and not admitting it to himself because, as he told us on this episode, he grew up as “Jason” in the Midwest where gay was not okay at the time. That said, he’s a wanna-be model and bartender in Los Angeles, it’s not like he needs to hide it anymore. Nobody would care if he wasn’t so ambiguous.
Scheana said it best.
“Jax is like the king of homo-erotic undertones… Actually, I think he’s the king of homo-erotic overtones too.”
But still, Jax and Tom and Schwartz shared a bed. All three of them, in the hotel room. Not saying anything happened, just saying I don’t personally know three straight guys who would be willing to do that.
And then of course we learn that Schwartz has kissed every guy at the dinner table except James, who declines with a polite “That’s an American thing.” I wouldn’t have been surprised if James had gone the other way on that one, but maybe I need to have my gaydar cleaned.
So Jax lived with an older man who was some sort of talent scout like ten years ago when he and Tom were living in Miami. He lived in John’s house, in his bedroom.
“When Jax left Miami there was rumors about like him and John hooking up or something,” Tom says.
“The last time I saw him we got in a huge fight and ended on bad terms,” Jax explains.
“There is believability to this at least because very quickly after these rumors came out, Jason packed up his stuff, moved away and changed his name to Jax,” Tom loves to gossip. And we appreciate it.
“Jax knows he’s coming?” Ariana is shocked John is joining them at Dolce for dinner.
“At this point, I believe Jax would sleep with pretty much anything. I mean, he slept with Kristen,” Ariana snarks. That was funny.
But then when John arrives at the restaurant, it’s all lovey-dovey. Almost in a weird way. And they have a “private” whispered conversation that we can all hear over their microphones that basically explains what went down, more or less.
“Bring it in, Papa Bear,” Jax greets him with a hug. Papa Bear? Really? REALLY???
“He started my career so I owe him a lot,” Jax says. And then he starts getting weird about naked pics and John.
“I did some nudes,” Jax announces. “Yeah, I have one in his house.”
“So I’m kinda confused about how do they have this relationship and why would Jax feel comfortable giving his nude photos to John,” Vail wonders. Yeah, so do the rest of us. #awkward
Then there’s this hug-fest chat and it gets a little creepy.
“You know what I want you to realize, I love you because I’m over you. And I still love you as much as I did in the first place,” John whispers in Jax’s ear.
“Yeah, but I’m a bigger person now. I was so young and just thrown into it right off the bat,” Jax replies. Bigger? Better? Straighter? What was he trying to say? Oh wait…
“That was my first time ever. I didn’t know what anything like that was, you know.” Jax isn’t about to take responsibility for whatever experimentation he did.
“And Jason, I’m sorry, I am,” John says.
“I was a younger model hanging out with an older gay guy… I personally don’t give a f**k what anybody else says… I’m really happy with myself,” Jax says in interview. Probably the most healthy thought I’ve ever heard him express. Still, this dude has got some sex problems. He’s never gone longer than 4-5 days without it, or so he says. Nobody asked if he meant with a partner.
In other news, Tom decides it’s time to confront Kristen because she’s being too mean to Ariana.
“Kristen’s relentless, passive-aggressive bulls**t will eventually get to anyone,” Tom says.
Ariana’s boohooing about it and her tummy hurts. So in his infinite wisdom, he takes Kristen outside for a heart-felt, weepy closure conversation that totally backfired.
“I can’t watch you guys together,” Kristen tells him. “I despise her.”
“If I weren’t with James, would that make you less hateful?” Kristen asks. So she’ll dump James to make Tom happy? What?
“Oh no, Kristen, no,” Tom sees where this is going.
“If we can’t be happy with each other, maybe we can be happy with other people,” Tom sounds gentle. This is like watching them break up again.
“Please, I just want you to be happy… I promise…” Tom starts boohooing with her… They’re holding hands. I’m throwing up in my own mouth. “It was so hard for me to go through this… I don’t want to hurt you.”
“This is what I wanted,” Kristen says. She thinks he still has an emotional stake in the relationship. That ship has sailed if you’ve been watching what he has to say about her in interview.
“I’m going to be really cool with James. Can you try to do the same thing?” Tom asks her nicely to stop picking on Ariana. He thinks this is giving her the closure she needs.
The result? In Kristen’s twisted mind, Tom still loves here and she can fix this now. All she has to do is get rid of Ariana. God, I hope somebody in production warned that chick to get a protective order.
“There are two things I now know. Tom still has strong feelings for me and if Ariana weren’t in the picture, Tom and I could maintain some kind of relationship. So I want Tom and Ariana to break up,” Kristen is bats**t nuts.
“I want to break Tom and Ariana up…His relationship with Ariana is bulls**t. She’s the other woman. She’s a home-wrecking w***e. She’s the girl that my boyfriend cheated on me with. She’s gotta go,” Kristen declares. Oh wait, I thought Kristen slept with Jax, her bff’s man, and cheated on Tom. Has she forgotten that little part of their history?
Is anybody else seeing shades of Blanche DuBois in “A Streetcar Named Desire” here? Oh boy.
Stassi is giving Katie the cold shoulder for going to Miami with the other team. Disloyalty. The Queen in angry. She does have a right to be because she stood by Katie when Katie was a mess, but the whole “I rule the world” attitude is s**tty. And Lisa tried to talk to her about.
Unfortunately, Stassi’s arrogance is preventing her from hearing anything Lisa says.
Lisa gives her a “pull up your big girl panties” sorta speech and Stassi whines about being so hurt. Lisa is not impressed.
“Katie’s been a much better friend to Stassi than Stassi’s been to Katie,” Lisa says.
Katie calls while Stassi and Lisa are talking at Sur and Lisa encourages her – strongly – to answer the phone. She answers, and is bitchy and basically hangs up on her. Then she goes off on Lisa.
“Oh my God. You’re not listening to anything and you’re just going to hear whoever is willing to do what you want and it’s not okay. It’s not okay. That is what you do,” she attacks Lisa. Then she storms out of Sur. Way to burn bridges!
This is about 20 minutes after Stassi proudly told Lisa about all the ways she used to steal booze and wine while she was working at Sur. I don’t think Lisa misses her very much. When Peter joked about rehiring her, Lisa shut that down hard.
Next week, Vail targets Peter now that she is grossed out by Jax. And Kristen begins her plot to take down Tom and Ariana with the mystery woman in Miami. If it was that easy, why didn’t she do it when they were in Miami in the previous episode? She’s nuts.
And this was supposed to be an episode about Scheana’s bachelorette party weekend. Scheana who?