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Recap: BravoTV’s “Below Deck,” The Svengali Brainwasher Weirdo Edition

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Tonight was downright fascinating on BravoTV’s “Below Deck.” Finally, somebody gave them what they deserved – a reduced tip for shitty service. Not that I thought this primary charter guest was a class act – his comment about them being their slaves right before he boarded told us otherwise. But I’m sick of watching the crew be rewarded for crap attitudes and shitty service.

When Captain Lee meets with Chef Ben and Kate before the guests arrive to prep, they form their opinions… and share them. They are so damned judgmental.

“They’re all his students,” Lee explains. It’s obviously a company morale-building trip of some sort and because Kate and Ben have never been in the corporate world, they don’t even get it. Their comments just show their own ignorance.

Ben thinks it’s “weird.”

“I think we have some kind of Svengali brainwasher weirdo thing happening,” Kate opines. Does she even know what that means?

“I think they should skydive out of the helicopter and land on the sundeck,” Kate is already jealous and being snarky when she finds out the primary guests will be arriving from the sky.

At that point, the captain looks at Kate and Ben like “and I’m stuck with you two??? OMG.” I couldn’t agree more.

Kelley and Jennice’s date was so orchestrated by production. Where have you ever seen a dinner guest at a restaurant opening their own champagne? The silence was deafening. They have NOTHING to talk about outside the yacht. Even Kat trying to dress Jennice up like a whore didn’t help. Btw, Jennice – quick tip – Kat Held is not a role model for choosing your attire. Just saying.

The whole date is miserable and awkward and Jennice is falling deeper and Kelley’s not looking THAT impressed.

“Gosh, like, what if he realizes the chase was more fun than the acquisition?” Jennice worries. She’s got good reason. And yet she goes back to the yacht and jumps in bed with him.

By the end of the charter, she’s telling her friends they’re going to live together when the cruise ends, and Kelley’s taking it one day at a time and sooo not going to be cohabitating. Although it’s sad to watch Jennice get her heart broken (cuz you know it’s coming), I think her crewmates could be a little nicer about it. Unfortunately, they’re the most interesting gossip on the boat and EVERYBODY has an opinion.

“That won’t last after this charter,” Kate says about Jennice and Kelley. She probably knows from experience. So does Kat.

“Kelley and Jennice will probably last 59 seconds after they depart,” Kat snarks. Is that how long it took you and Ben last season? Oh wait, Kat already had a boyfriend named Nick at home waiting in the wings.

And for some reason he didn’t dump her ass after she cheated on him, so Kat cheated on him AGAIN this season with Ben AGAIN. And he still hasn’t dumped her ass. Time to IQ test Kat’s boyfriend. That said, she’s not really one to talk shit about other people’s relationships, or lack thereof.

“Jennice is like both feet in in the Kelley pond. But she might be going a little fast,” Amy thinks. But it was Amy who basically threatened her for dumping Kelley earlier in the charter so I don’t know what to think of that.

All in, they’ve got too many damned opinions about their crewmates on this boat. But at least they’re not as nasty as their opinions of their charter guests. Oh yes, it’s another episode of see how many insulting things Kate and Ben can say about the people who are basically paying their salaries. Totally unprofessional.

Kate clearly doesn’t understand the concept of a “corporate retreat” as she begins snarking about the guests arriving wearing matching shirts.

“The boss is taking you on a yacht but you can’t wear your own clothes. Are we hosting a cult retreat?” Kate asks. Oh dear. I hope they’ve kept her old cocktail waitress job open because she’s rapidly aging out of being a yachtie and she certainly doesn’t understand how the business world works. There’s a reason this primary charter guest – jerk or not – has made money.

“If you can afford to rent a yacht, I guess you can afford 19-year-old ass. Cuz that shit ain’t cheap,” new guy Logan says. Why doesn’t he open his teeth when he talks? Has he been getting Botox with Kate?

“You can’t tell me you’re with Timothy Sykes because you think he’s good looking or because he has a great personality because he’s a douchebag,” Logan says. “And he’s balding.” Well, Logan, I certainly hope you keep your hair because Mr. Sykes can afford hair plugs and you cannot.

The crew is certainly full of nasty opinions about people who they don’t know and are paying them. So damned unprofessional.

The primary guest Timothy and his barely-legal girlfriend Bianca get off their helicopter and then make fun of the smaller boats as they’re walking up the dock. He also jokes about the staff being their slaves for the week. While I don’t like the terminology and I think he has a snotty, new-money attitude, he did pay a LOT of money for this charter. And, like almost every guest so far, he ends up quite a bit disappointed in his investment.

As soon as they’ve boarded, everybody has their laptops out. They’re already bitching about the Internet connection BEFORE the mega-yacht leaves the dock. And then they don’t understand what happened to their Internet signals when they’re out in the water and can’t make their trades.

It’s actually pretty funny to watch as somebody who lives here in the Caribbean and realizes they had it better than most. At least the yacht had satellite Internet service most of the time. It just didn’t run fast enough for people trying to make trades on the stock market on deadlines.

“I’ve never really seen the sundeck turned into a makeshift stock trading office,” Kate states bitchily.

“I just made a grand. Do not distract us,” Timothy tells his girlfriend.

“It’s hard to trade and yacht and eat conch salad,” the whole team just missed a trade due to lack of Internet and the boss is pissed.

“I think these guys are freaking out because they’re trying to earn the money to pay for the yacht right now,” Kat jokes. Actually Kat, he has more waiting in a tip envelope than you have in your savings account. Jealous much?

Captain Lee promises to look into the Internet problems but anybody who lives down here or knows boating realizes it’s an empty offer. He can’t do shit about it.

“I can’t even buy… someone needs to be punished,” Timothy has a total shit fit about the Internet but unless they stay in port, it’s not going to get better.

And then he asks when they’re going to set up the slide. Bahahaha! Oh now he’s going to be just as popular with the deck crew as the inside staff.

Eddie apparently thinks he is too good to set up a slide and feels like he should be wearing “a wife beater” to do it. Snob. It’s your job, dude. Get over yourself. I understand the slide is the bane of the deck crew’s existence, but you’re making viewers feel like if we ever charter a boat, we shouldn’t ask the crew to do anything in their job description. Or is the crew of “Below Deck” just a bunch of lazy, whiny assholes? Making their whole industry look bad again. They do it every week.

The bulk of the drama on this episode centers around Chef Ben. The primary guest has requested all kinds of fancy, sophisticated food – actually some completely ridiculous stuff – he’s even interested in molecular gastronomy. But he warns them that his girlfriend is happier with quesadillas. I’m not sure Ben really got it, but the funny part was listening to him bitch about having to cater to her needs and not doing it at the same time.

“Bianca specifically requests simple food, like goldfish. And Ben sets up a laboratory,” Kat jokes. She knows he’s ignoring the primary’s girlfriend’s preferences. That’s how he rolls. It’s HIS galley.

Ben specifically requests that Amy handle the special dinner for Timothy and Bianca and Kate gets all in a snit about it. Ben outranks her on this and can decide who is doing what, and I think he made a good call. The clients loved Amy. I’ve yet to hear a single guest say they loved Kate Chastain. I’ve heard them call her a bitch, though.

“Amy’s an absolute gem. She always has a smile on her face. She does whatever the job takes,” Ben says.

“I don’t think she knows what it is, can pronounce what it is or can serve what it is. It’s just the worst matching ever,” Kate rants. Ben’s on target when he thinks Kate’s attitude won’t work to make these people happy. It’s fun to watch Kate miserable, again.

“I have no problem, in fact I kind of enjoy, telling people to their face when I think they’re wrong,” Kate makes fun of Amy for being an agreeable person. This is so weird to hear coming from somebody in the HOSPITALITY industry. She’s like a “How Not to Be a Good Yachtie for Dummies” guide presented on reality television so we don’t have to buy the book.

The romantic dinner is a catastrophe because one of the guests isn’t interested in touching any of the gastronomic miracles that Ben is serving. I don’t understand why he did this to himself. He could have easily served her courses of quesadillas, chicken nuggets and wings while he played fancy with Timothy’s food, but he didn’t. Instead, she’s unhappy and so is the primary guest.

“We had this conversation with him. He doesn’t follow instructions. Ay yay yay,” Timothy says to explain the oysters to his girlfriend. But in the end, he asks Amy if she could rustle up some quesadillas.

I was honestly glad to see that, for once, there were repercussion at tip time for ignoring the guests’ wishes. Too bad they couldn’t see the raw footage of the crew talking about them. Bet he would have whacked more than $5,000 of the top.

Upon departure, Timothy gives Amy a magnum of champagne and praises her big time. Then he asks for an aside with Captain Lee.

“Overall we were happy. I had planned to give you 22k…” and then he takes back some of the money in his big stack and gives them 17k instead. Far more than they deserved for less than 72 hours of work, for God’s sake. He blames Ben not following instructions and the Internet problems. Amy was their favorite and saved the day in his opinion.

“Overall it was great but some things can be improved.” I don’t think the money show was necessary but given the ridiculously high tips they’ve been getting for ridiculously bad service, maybe it finally hit home with the captain.

“Never had that happen before… taking 5k back,” Lee mutters to himself. And then he calls the crew together for tips and explains what just happened.

“I don’t care who you are – that is just scumbag behavior,” Ben complains. No Ben, disregarding the wishes of your paying guests is scumbag behavior. And this time, after all the bitching you’ve done about other people ruining tips, you’re the one responsible.

“There needs to be someone who is head of service,” Ben tells Lee.

“They raved about your service,” Lee tells Amy. I think he’s making a point to Kate, but in the process, he’s making the last few days of this charter season hell for Amy. Sometimes it’s lonely at the top. Hang in there, girl. Don’t lower your standards to make jealous people happy.

Kate makes a snarky remark about how hard it was to serve eight people but last week she screwed Amy with the entire birthday dinner while she sat on her ass on the beach with Kat and Logan. #Hypocrite

The captain gives them a break and says everyone has to be on the boat that night, leaving me to wonder if this man is completely insane. Things never end well when they go ashore together. And the teasers for next week indicate that he’ll realize that in the morning.

After the meeting, Ben storms into the galley and starts banging and throwing things around and ranting like a lunatic.

“Ben, you are off the handle right now,” Eddie says as Ben explodes.

“I understand why he’s pissed off because what he did was really underappreciated,” Eddie explains, but it’s clear he doesn’t approve of how the chef handled it.

Dinner ashore, as anticipated, is a disaster. Logan has to open up Pandora’s Box and ask what the crew’s problem is with each other and Kate gets mean really fast. And totally unprovoked.

“Amy, I love her as a friend, but I would never work with her again,” Kate announces. Kate, you’re a liar. You don’t even like her as a friend, much less love her.

Amy, with significantly more class, agrees she doesn’t get Kate’s management style and wouldn’t want to work together again. Kate bitches about the ruined “happy family dinner” but she started it with her nastiness. God, I really #MeanGirls.

Next week is the season finale and I’m not sad. What’s funny is that, as usual, things aren’t running smoothly and it’s Ben who pops off and bitches that it’s like they’re trying to end things on a bad note. Dude, get a mirror!

But I’m not about to miss the last episode because the nasty guests who called Kate out for being a bitch are returning – and that is going to be classic. Do you think she’ll make another penis blanket so she can end her career on a high note and get a job doing staging on porn sets? I think she’s old enough.

Sandy Malone is a reality TV star, expert wedding planner, and internationally-syndicated columnist for Conde Nast's BRIDES and The Huffington Post, in addition to Monsters... read more
Sandy Malone


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