Recap: BravoTV ‘Below Deck’ #PenisGate


More than a third of tonight’s “Below Deck” episode on BravoTV was dedicated to #PenisGate. No, seriously.

Last week, the yacht’s seriously unprofessional, resting-bitch-face Chief Stew made a penis-shaped blanket on the primary guest’s bed (possibly offensive since he’s gay?) and tonight we got to see it… over and over. With everyone’s reactions.

Here’s the thing – the entire crew knew who did it. Kat took pictures of the penis, right? I mean we all know she’s not very smart and less-than-loyal to anybody but Ben, but leave it to her to be the whole who took pictures.

Nobody is happy because Kate’s immature, selfish maneuver could result in the entire crew losing their tip. The guests spent the whole episode last week asking her to smile and telling her she made them uncomfortable. So, of course, in an effort to make them happy, she put a penis on her “charter soul mate’s” bed. C’mon, where did they find this woman?

Here’s the kicker, when the guest complained to Captain Lee about it and he researched it by talking to the crew (and Kat helpfully shared her pics), he knew exactly who had done it. I think he follows that old rule “never ask a question you don’t know the answer to.” So gathering his evidence, he confronts Kate.

“It’s never acceptable to be disrespectful to a guest… this s**t really pisses me off.” Captain Lee says in interview. But when he asks Kate, she lies to his face.

“I made it… but I heard that there was something on it,” Kate says she didn’t do it.

Later in interview she says the following: “Lie til you die, deny, deny, deny.” Sounds like an expression this woman has used many, many times. And she doesn’t back down quickly either. Wow.

“Rocket ship, my ass. Doesn’t leave much to the imagination, does it?” Captain Lee says, referring to the pictures he seen. “Lying to me is not a sign of loyalty.”

“I was surprised and shocked… what the hell were you thinking?” he asks.

“How? Why?” Kate stutters. “I don’t know why you think I did it.” He knows how and why because the rest of the crew ratted you out because they think you screwed the tip. Duh.

“That’s not a rocket ship and we both know it, so let’s drop the semantics,” Captain Lee says.

“I’m not a liar but I didn’t want to lose my job because I stuck up for myself,” Kate explains in interview. Okay, let’s translate that. YOU ARE A BIG FAT LIAR, KATE. When the chips are down, you can’t be trusted. The captain gets it, so why isn’t he firing her? Production or his own decision?

The captain tells her to apologize to the guest who called her bitchy. She calls it a new low in her life. I was elated. She should be humbled.

So far she’s called these people every name in the book and behaved horribly towards them after they spent tens of thousands of dollars to charter that boat. I don’t care if the “Duck Dynasty” guys are your guests – you’re supposed to treat them like royalty. But Kate wouldn’t because none of them are single.

“Guests like this definitely make me think I’ve spent too much time in this industry,” Kate whines. Yep, we agree. Time to walk the plank, Botox Barbie.

But Kate’s proud of her bad behavior, despite what she says when she’s called on the carpet.

“It was a moment of genius… rage-filled genius,” she claims.

The rest of the crew doesn’t think much of Kate’s selfish maneuver. Amy was horrified and fixed the blanket.

“There’s something dark brewing and it’s gonna blow. I mean, get your life jackets on cuz this boat’s going down,” Eddie predicts.

“I don’t think you’re in a position to jeopardize everyone’s tip because you’re pissed off at them,” Chef Ben says, self-righteously. “It’s quite a big statement.” He’s totally right. Then again, he was willing to throw down over plastic in the food last week so we know he’s got some temper too. But the thing is, he controlled himself. Kate did not.

Kate’s surprised when Ben tells her off.

“I’m not sinking the boat, I don’t know what you’re freaking out about,” Kate fights back.

“We’re doing this for money, and if our money is jeopardized, we need to make amends for it,” Ben tells her to fix it. She has no intention of doing so until the captain orders her to apologize.

“She’s insane,” Ben says.

“I’m worried that Kate has pretty much ruined the charter… that’s a lot of pressure,” Kat says. And that’s a lot coming from the chick who has broken ever rule of yachting etiquette ever.

She does a pretty piss poor job of apologizing to Dean, the primary charter guest and victim of her #PenisGate joke.

“I think there was a miscommunication on the tone and the banter of the trip… it was not meant to be offensive,” Kate says, and he accepts it and they move on. Afterwards, Kate is in a much-deserved funk.

“It’s probably the worst day of my yachting career.” Good. It should be. You made your entire industry look like a joke. Royal Caribbean wouldn’t hire this chick to make towel animals in the staterooms.

“I don’t like being treated like the help by people who are less refined than I am,” Kate complains. Oh yeah right, because she was a debutante in her last life. Get over yourself honey. As anyone in the hospitality industry can tell you, no matter how big the title gets, we’re all still “the help.” And I own my company. She just started working there. Where did she get this nasty, entitled attitude? I really enjoyed watching her deal with the guests’ dirty underwear later in the show. A little whiff of her own medicine? #karma

“My crew is valuing money over me,” Kate can’t believe that everybody ratted her out and they’re all mad at her for risking their tip. Reality check, Kate. These are not your friends. You guys were CAST on this show by a network. You’re not really a working crew that’s old friends. And you all need to make the tips because reality television doesn’t pay squat. I know that from experience. Why would anybody lie for you to save your butt? Why wouldn’t they throw you under the bus? What have you done for them lately? Nothing, from what I can tell.

Okay, enough about “How Not to Treat the Guests on a Luxury Yacht” because a few other things did happen.

Kelley stole a kiss from Jennice. I phrase it like that because he did it super quick and she’s getting all bitchy because it wasn’t the right kind of moment. He tells Amy about it. She tells Kat about it. There are zero secrets on this boat. Next week’s teasers show it heating up but we don’t know whether it’s in a good or bad way.

The teasers also show next week’s guests aren’t happy with the service on the Ohana either.

“A lot of these people should be fired,” a guest is overheard saying.

Unfortunately, Kate is back because, for some unknown reason, the captain chose not to fire her. The tip was huge and Dean-the-Mean actually tells Kate on the way off the boat that he thought the penis towel was funny. However, if that was really the case, why did he complain about it to the captain? Captain Lee isn’t fooled. And Dean wasn’t amused at all at the time.

“This charter has definitely changed my opinion of my crew members.” Kate bitches. “They just showed me that they’re greedy rather than loyal.” Again, gotta ask, why would any of them be loyal to you yet? What have you done to earn their loyalty, much less their respect? Nada.

Kate gets called up to see the captain again after the tip split and she’s mad about it.

“I don’t understand why I have to keep explaining myself,” Kate complains (she does a lot of that). Hmm. Let’s think about it. Maybe because you lied to your boss and he knows it!

“The crime is in the cover-up,” Captain Lee tries to explain to her but it’s useless. You can’t have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.

“I’ve never done anything like that before,” Kate just can’t stop lying. She’s going to choke on her foot. It’s utter bulls**t. She lied and denied wayyy too easily.

The highlight of next week’s episode can all be encapsulated in Kat’s statement in the teaser when they show the crew arriving on shore at some destination and she sees her former boss (and now, once again in real life, her current boss) Adrienne Gang on the beach.

“Are you kidding… who’s there waiting? It’s the devil,” Kat says. Bahahaha! Right, Kat. Adrienne Gang, the one who held your ass together and taught you how to do your job last season, is the devil. I guess that’s why she’s the only one who would hire you after the yachting community saw your performance on the first season of “Below Deck.” Just say “thank you, Adrienne” and shut up.

I can’t wait for next week.

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