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Recap: Bravo TV’s ‘Below Deck,’ Left In The Microwave Too Long Edition

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I’m just going to admit that I was definitely #TeamAdrienne for BravoTV’s “Below Deck” last season and I almost didn’t watch when I heard they weren’t bringing her back. But there aren’t a lot of shows filmed in my neighborhood (the Caribbean) so curiosity got the best of me.

Let’s start with who IS back and take it from there.

Captain Lee Rosbach is at the helm again, but I’m not even sure it’s responsible for him to agree to this crew. Did production have to force him, or did he do this voluntarily? He seems like a nice guy. Guessing that safety is his priority but his crew selection doesn’t bolster that assumption.

Chef Ben is back and let’s face it, he’s always hilarious. Poor guy wants to serve five-star food but he’s got guests who would rather be eating at Jack-in-the-Box. When that ridiculous woman was telling him they like to put the shrimp in butter and “EYE-talian” dressing, I was totally dying for him. And he’s already scoping out which piece of ass he wants first because we all know he gets what he wants.

“In yachting, when you put all these peas in a pod, something’s going to happen. And quite often it works for the uglier party,” Ben jokes. He’s rooming with Adrienne’s replacement. Not sure who he thinks is uglier. I think Ben’s the cute one in this pair.

Eddie’s back after spending his off-season on tugboats in the Baltimore Harbor (a job that’s no joke) and he seems to be taking things pretty seriously. Good call if he wants to keep climbing the ladder.

The surprise was the reappearance of Kat, who anybody in their right mind would NEVER hire after her behavior last season. This is one that we ALL know is only back because of the drama she causes. That said, I’m so looking forward to watching her torture Kate. Kat can’t handle dealing with authority and if Kate ever starts acting like she has any, there’s gonna be friction.

Who is this Kate Chastain that replaced Adrienne? Did anybody else notice that she needs to get her act together and look a LOT more professional to get any respect from anybody on this boat? Her hair is a mess. And why doesn’t her upper face move? Um, Botox anyone? Bahahaha!

“When I joined this industry I had a Jaguar, a small dog. I was like the Paris Hilton of my little beach town. I thought yachting would be a fun way to meet a rich husband,” Kate brags. She was a waitress then.

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Get a grip girl. Some of us have been to Melbourne Beach, Florida. Paris Hilton wouldn’t be caught dead there. It’s just one giant row of retired military communities with a tiny boardwalk area. You looked good because you were the only one under the age of 70 who wasn’t a tourist or a kid with 75 piercings and tats. All good though. You’ll be heading back there soon. It’s almost time to start using the name “Katherine” she’s holding out for til she’s older. Reality check – you are there girlie!

And to be fair – I’m 41 – but I’m also not trying to pretend I’m young and adorable and just now taking on the world. Kate’s a poser. And she needs to use sunscreen because she’s got that “somebody left me in the microwave too long” look going on that you see on OLDER women in the Caribbean. THAT was the dead giveaway. She makes a joke about wanting to be off boats within five years – I’m guessing she’s going to age out like old-fashioned flight attendants. Unless they have geriatric charters that would find her “adorable” and want to call her Kate.

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Her organizational skills seem lacking but – to be fair – they did get that boat ready with only two days to prep and it was totally trashed. Why was everything upside down? How rough were the seas, for God’s sake? I think production trashed it just to create the chaos of putting it back together in 48 hours. They didn’t film this show during hurricane season. WTF?

New steward Amy seems like she’s going to be interesting – I want to know what she and Kat had happen when they last worked together. She cannot stand Kat (so obvious) and Kat is like “why?????” (imagine a whine here).

Okay Kat, just a guess, but if you ever behaved in front of Amy the way you did in front of America last season, I’m guessing she knows you’re a hot mess and she’s going to have to do half of your work for you and she’s not excited about that. Whatever you did to piss her off, you were probably too wasted to remember. Oh, bonus – she has to share a bunk with you. #condolencesAmy

Amy’s little brother Kelley, the former US Marine, has me fascinated. In fact, I was thinking he might be the new SMART hottie on the boat until the teasers at the end showed him freaking out later in the season. I’m pre-bummed about that. Let’s hope it’s overplayed.

Jennice – the only female deckhand – has me fascinated. Just cuz she’s tiny doesn’t mean she can’t do it – and she’s already proven to be a very hard worker during the first episode. I also don’t think she’s going to be a problem – in fact, I think she’s going to help pick up all the slack that new bonehead Andrew is dropping.

Where the fuck did they find that idiot Andrew? He lives with mommy and daddy and when he gets tired of them, he goes on a yacht cruise as a member of the crew? Did daddy call in a favor to get him the job to get his lazy ass out of the house? So far, he’s been popped for being a slacker several times in the first episode. He probably sucks so bad mommy and daddy don’t want him on their own yacht.

“I don’t know anything about grocery shopping… low end, high end, I don’t know what the hell that means. I mean, water is water.” His mommy does all the shopping at home, he says.

Andrew is clearly going to be a huge help on the new yacht. I feel sorry for the whole crew having to carry his weight for him. Ya know that’s what’s going to happen. Can we take bets on how many episodes he lasts? Then again, Sam lasted a season and Kat is back so maybe Andrew will end up being a star. Go production!

What were you doing in the Captain’s room, Andrew? And why can’t you seem to keep your earpiece in? I’d fire a wedding planner on my staff who did that more than once during any event. Seriously. And we’re not even at sea. Then the kicker – he left the porthole in his room open while they were at sea because he needed some air? What a dumbass.

Nice job flooding your quarters with salt water the first few days, moron! And acting like the ship’s playboy isn’t scoring you any points with anybody. You’re not nearly as cute as you think you are. #sorryimnotsorry

The first guests are an interesting group of southern-fried folks. Look, I love the south, but they do eat more than just fried chicken and gumbo there. Did BravoTV advertise for rich white trash stereotypes to cruise? The look on Ben’s face when they said they don’t want any vegetables or fruit was PRICELESS.

And I’m positive that Georgia (the hostess with the longest cleavage I’ve ever seen – get a bra!) has been watching wayyy too many episodes of the “Real Housewives of New York” the way she’s sexually harassing the crew. Raise your hand if you felt sorry for Captain Lee. He had such a horrified look on his face.

Kelley was the perfect babysitter to send ashore with this ridiculous group of guests. Kat or Andrew would have been dancing on the bar with them. Kelley just looked mildly entertained. And he got them all back without doing anything to embarrass his bosses.

He’s going to be a challenge for the new little Jennice whose boyfriend is thousands of miles away. Let’s face it – he’d be a temptation for any girl. I wonder what her man thinks of her new roommate?

Most entertaining were the teasers for the rest of the season which show Adrienne Gang reappearing – is she a guest on the boat??? And surprise surprise, Kat’s boohooing to her again. She probably thinks Kate is mean. It’s never Kat’s fault when she screws up.

The Captain began with a meeting where he outlined the rules and told them all there would be no drinking during the charters. But Kat was already snarking about that in interview. She better hope somebody offers her a Playboy shoot or something because no yacht owner in the world is going to want her on their boat after seeing two seasons of her acting like a moron. She does get two points for teaching life vest safety to the shitfaced dudes in the hot tub. Better do that again when they’re sober.

Pretty sure the teasers showed she’s going to revert to at least some of her old behavior. Maybe she’ll manage to stay sober during the day when there are clients on board but I wouldn’t put money on it. Her utter lack of respect for her bosses (season after season) basically tells me she’s unemployable, unless it’s out of pity or for television drama. Maybe she can be a personal hostess on some rich Arab’s boat in Dubai… sounds like a good match. She can work in her pink bikini.

But end of day, Biggest Jackhole on the Boat goes to Andrew who has sore feet, loses his sunglasses, skips work, runs late and is trying to flood the yacht already. I hope his daddy is ready to pay for all the damage he could cause in a whole season. OMG.

Dying to see what happens next week. #obsessed

Sandy Malone is a reality TV star, expert wedding planner, and internationally-syndicated columnist for Conde Nast's BRIDES and The Huffington Post, in addition to Monsters... read more
Sandy Malone

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