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Recap: “Below Deck” on BravoTV “The No Tequila, No Tip” Edition

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This week’s “Below Deck” on BravoTV was probably the least interesting so far, due largely to the fact that the charter guests were a total snore.

The weather wasn’t great so they spent their days ashore, shopping and bar hopping. They were always polite. The only thing they weren’t happy about was the fact that the crew of the Eros had failed to provide some 1942 Don Julio tequila they’d specifically requested on ALL of their preference sheets. Big screw up by Kate.

Kate has said won’t bend over backwards for guests’ special requests if they’re a hassle to get – she definitely shouldn’t try wedding planning. I can’t imagine simply disregarding a bride or groom’s request because I was feeling lazy. She knew they wanted THAT tequila – she mentioned it during the briefing.

“We should have rechecked that provision order,” Amy says in interview. She’s right. It’s the only thing all the guests are bitching about the entire trip.

“He wants 1942 more than he wants to be on this yacht,” Kate complains. Boohoo! If you’d done your job in the first place…

But pretty much everybody is off their game during this charter, except for Rocky and Amy. Which is weird.

Chef Leon sucks – we know that. But this week he couldn’t even time the meals properly.

“Somehow it’s my fault that he cooked without me telling him,” Kate bitches when Leon cooks everything ahead and it’s all going to be dry for the guests.

“Leon’s an idiot. The guests aren’t even on the boat and he’s making dinner,” Kate says he’s used to cruise ship schedules, not yachts.

Props to Kate for not slapping Leon when he tells her to work on her communication. That was totally his fuckup. I have a feeling that guy never owns his mistakes. But she’s gotta watch the gossiping. It’s a relatively small boat.

Leon overhears Kate telling Emile that Leon is a cruise ship chef… in a derogatory sense.

“If you’ve got something to say, say it to my face,” Leon’s not happy.

Eddie’s having a rough charter because he’s fighting – long distance – with his girlfriend. She cheated on him last charter season and he doesn’t trust her. And it’s affecting his job.

“It disappoints me that Eddie doesn’t seem to be really focused,” Captain Lee isn’t happy.

“It’s a fucked up relationship. But that doesn’t mean I wanna give up on it,” Eddie says in interview.

“Relationships are supposed to be happy,” Lee tells Eddie in the hot tub. “My wife applies no undue pressure of any kind.”

And now Eddie has to get used to a new member of the crew – Don’s replacement, Dane.

“I hope this deckhand comes with experience, but not so much that he thinks that he’s above everyone else,” Eddie says, as they show flashbacks of Don giving him a hard time earlier in the season.

“Let’s try to be as hospitable as possible,” Eddie tells the rest of the deckhands. “And then we’ll make his life hell.”

All the girls on the crew go gaga for the new arrival. He catches them scoping him out as he boards the yacht.

“In seven to 10 days he’ll be a very tan, cute boy,” Kate says. Methinks she may regret having asked Connie to move into the roommate spot Dane would have occupied. Bahaha!

“I just hope he has a good personality… and not be a little bitch and eat raw eggs every morning,” Connie says. She’s gotta pick up the slack if the guy is a loser.

Dane says he’s coming off a catamaran in Puerto Rico. He grew up sailing. His family has money. He describes himself as a “beach-surfer, laid-back, chill guy.” Whatever that means.

“Southern accent. Nice smile. He’s a handsome man,” Amy’s smitten.

“You might want to get a little closer to that razor,” Lee advises Dane. The captain is not smitten.

I don’t think Dane has ever actually WORKED on a yacht before as crew. He’s just spent a lot of time partying on them. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have been dumb enough to listen to the guests when they tell him to get in the hot tub with them because Captain Lee is asleep.

Emile, working on deck, sees him. “Dude, really?”

“We’re not allowed,” Emile explains to the guests. “I’m sorry about that.”

“Get back down there and put that uniform on. What were you thinking?” Amy says when she sees Dane in his bathing suit.

Emile rats Dane out to Eddie and Kate. Eddie says he’ll handle it. He has a little talk with the new guy and Dane seems receptive. I don’t think he’s a problem child. I think he may just be another yachtie-poser for the purposes of the show.

Whatever he is, he’s messing up Emile’s mojo with Rocky. Poor Emile seems to have no clue that he totally blew it on their one-and-only date, and Rocky is no longer interested. Which is saying something because she was following him like a dog in heat before he took her out.

“I want a man who can sweep me off my feet and hold his own liquor,” Rocky complains. “Could there be second date? No. Noooo.”

At the same time Emile’s telling Leon he wants to go to Cali to meet Rocky’s family after one date, Rocky’s telling Amy, “I’d rather do Eddie than Emile.”

But Eddie’s not really the problem once Dane arrives – Rocky’s all over that! And apparently Dane gives a really good foot massage. But he has a “complicated” relationship situation. That means some poor girl is cringing watching this show. I hope she dumped him before it aired!

“She’s definitely leading me on,” Emile complains in interview. Not anymore, bud. That ship sailed and you were passed out cold on the dock. He’s got a reputation, I’m guessing. Otherwise, Leon and Eddie wouldn’t have been making bets about how long the guy would be standing at the crew dinner after the charter.

Rocky has made a total change in her behavior and attitude. She’s turned ironing into an art form. She’s singing constantly and babbling about writing a musical for Broadway about working on the boat. Yeah… keep it up honey. And she also tells the new guy she’s going for her teaching certificate after the charter season, so we all know she’s on there for the reality TV time. But at least she seems to be liking trying to do her job. Kate and Amy are very happy.

“It’s so exciting to see Rocky’s transformation,” Amy says. Don’t hold your breath. The season isn’t over.

Meanwhile, the charter guests are bored as hell. One keeps opening beer bottles with his teeth. Fab.

“Guests going to bed early is not a good sign,” Kate says. Ya think? ROFL

By the last night of a very lame charter, the guests don’t look happy. They look bored and sorta miserable. So Kate tries to put together a cool party and enlists the help of the entire crew, since the deck crew has nothing to do since they can’t sail around with lousy weather.

Decorating for the party looked like more fun than the actual party. The crew dancing reminds me of weddings that aren’t going well, so Bill and I have to get on the dance floor to inspire the other guests. It always works but it means the party wasn’t much fun.

“The primary stayed awake the whole time, so that’s a win,” Kate jokes.

The big excitement is a boat that delivers that freakin $350-per-bottle tequila to the yacht.

“Are you serious?” the primary guest is thrilled. “That’s awesome – you guys are the best!” And he gives the crew a $25,000 tip for like three days.

Um, you finally got what you requested a few hours before you disembark. I am not impressed. The guests must have a seriously low bar for being impressed.

I think this is considered an example of people that have more money than sense.

“I think we all know who is the one to thank – good old Don Julio,” Kate says. At least she knows she didn’t deserve it.

As always, it’s fun watching them dock. I wish they’d do a show about all the crew we don’t see. They keep popping up at critical moments. Like every time they cast off and dock the yacht. There are quite a few hidden characters in this show.

Next week, teasers show Connie in a whipped cream bikini. WTH is going on below deck???

Sandy Malone is a reality TV star, expert wedding planner, and internationally-syndicated columnist for Conde Nast's BRIDES and The Huffington Post, in addition to Monsters... read more
Sandy Malone

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