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Recap: “Below Deck” on BravoTV, The Beluga Caviar Edition

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Recap: “Below Deck” on BravoTV, The Beluga Caviar Edition

Tonight’s “Below Deck” on BravoTV was yet another glaring example of how completely slack and disrespectful the Ohana’s yacht crew behaves toward the guests… and their captain. Captain Lee finally shows his backbone, thank God. It may be too little too late though.

Remember Kelley’s birthday party last week when he danced a stripper pole and then fell and puked on the way back to the boat? Well, that didn’t end well for anybody on the crew when the next charter guests were due to board at noon and Captain Lee had to go through the entire boat banging on cabin doors to wake them all up after 8 am. I mean NOBODY was up and working.

Kelley’s too hung over to be productive and blames his hurt elbow on a fall down the stairs on the yacht the prior week. C’mon bud, we all saw you bite it on the pavement. The captain totally knew he was lying. Not a good way to behave with your boss, period.

The new guests have requested caviar and Cristal and Chef Ben totally mocks them for it.

“It was slightly obnoxious… it’s the bling factor,” Ben bitches. Usually he complains about how low class the guests are and how they don’t like his fancy food. I think he needs to make up his mind.

Before the guests even get aboard, the crew has dubbed them Jersey Shore types based on their appearance walking up the dock. I guess the fact they were at least in white uniforms is a plus, but they’re not a very welcoming crew.

“Omg, it is Snooki,” Kat says.

“They’re from Jersey, for sure,” even Amy is being snarky.

The guests dive into the charcuterie platter and caviar. I’ll admit, I’ve never seen anybody eat caviar like it’s guacamole before, but still, the crew needs to dial back the bitchy. They ask Kat what kind of caviar it is and she’s clueless so she goes to ask Ben.

“They want to know about the caviar… I just don’t know my caviar that well,” Kat says.

“Just say it’s Beluga,” Ben tells her. That’s a lie. It’s because he doesn’t buy Beluga unless it’s specifically requested, but he tells Kat to lie because the guests won’t know the difference.

“It’s Beluga from the Black Sea – it’s sturgeon,” Ben instructs her. And Kat goes up and repeats the lie. I actually think a few of the guests might have known better or they wouldn’t have asked if it was roe in the first place.

Ohana has a near miss with a sailboat on its way out of port and it leaves Captain Lee in a foul mood. Then he overhears Kelley and Jennice discussing his birthday hangover and doesn’t look impressed.

The guests want the slide but the deck crew is trying to avoid it. Eddie acts like he didn’t get the request – which was bullshit. Demonstrating true leadership, the Captain goes out to help them. It appears the deck hands need more practice assembling this thing – maybe that’s why they hate it so much. They have no idea what goes where.

“Kelley is just dragging his ass all over the place. He needs to suck it up. I really expected a lot more out of a Marine,” Captain Lee complains.

“Things are about to get ugly,” the Captain says. He tells Eddie he doesn’t want to see Kelley anymore and continues to help set up. Eddie is not pleased because he’s taking heat for his crew now. He’s gotta bitchslap Kelley and he’s kind of a pussy about it.

“You’re the hardest working guy on this boat and I need you. I need you,” Eddie tells Kelley. That’s discipline, Eddie. Beg him to do his job.

Kelley disregards the instructions to avoid the boss and instead asks to talk to the captain. Lee tells him to go to his quarters and radios Eddie, who is going to get his ass torn up again for not managing his deck crew.

“Late in the charter season, crews get a little lazy, bitch and complain… usually they need a kick in the ass,” Lee explains.

The Marine is not taking discipline like a military man. He’s pouting and bitching and moaning and not accepting responsibility for his own screw ups.

“I’m not pleased with your decision-making. The day before a charter, you really screwed the pooch,” Captain Lee tells Eddie. “You can’t always be their friend.”

That’s the truth. Sometimes it sucks to be the boss. Eddie is told to take responsibility for Kelley.

“I need you to step up to the plate and take charge of your guys. I want his ass working all fucking day. I walk by him and I don’t see him working, I’m gonna come looking for you. And I will confine him to his quarters for the rest of this charter. Your ass is on the line if he fucks up,” Captain Lee threatens.

Eddie’s solution: He switches Kelley and Logan’s shifts so that Kelley has less interaction with the Captain. That’s some leadership. Bahahaha! Wouldn’t want Kelley to get mad at you, Eddie. Why is this guy such a wuss?

“There’s a difference between a professional captain and somebody who doesn’t do shit,” Kelly is, of course, whining to Amy. He threatens to quit.

“You literally have like 13 days,” Amy tries to tell him to suck it up. Tough love, but it isn’t working.

“I’m done with this. I’m done,” Kelley sounds like an angry teenager deciding to run away from home. But he doesn’t. He probably had a good cry and felt better.

Meanwhile, Kate and Kat are setting the worst possible example of a yachting crew, yet again. I’ll agree the guest’s choice in undergarments was unique, but joking about them and playing with them and mocking them is just plain wrong. Disrespectful.

Hey Kate – YOU ARE THE HELP. You cannot afford to be the guest. Get over yourself. So pathetic to watch. It’s nice to see she ages by the week though. I thought she looked old on the first episode but now she looks ancient. Maybe Botox Barbie missed an appointment because of filming.

“I got into yachting because I loved meeting pristine guests, ya know. Like serving Leonardo DiCaprio dinner in St. Bart’s. It’s not serving Snooki and her escort friends cheeseburgers,” Kate spits. Then she goes on to explain she’s not a snob. Yeah, right.

“It takes a sophisticated customer to appreciate that craft. Serving these guests is just like rewinding six years. And that’s frustrating.”

Oh Kate, you have such a shitty attitude and you’re looking so rough. Time to hang up your yachtie gear and go back to cocktail waitressing. You should be a huge hit on the Satellite Coast now. You are almost young there. I bet you can even get another nice used Jag if you work it right and remember how to smile.

I love watching Kate miserable because she’s only miserable when she’s forced to actually do her job. When the guests want more beverages at breakfast, she punishes them.

“I don’t want to see anything below half-way. If the water’s below half-way, we’re filling,” Kate instructs Kat. For a second, you think she’s being pro-active. Wrong-O.

“Should I literally stand there?” Kat asks.

“Yes, make it creepy,” Kate replies, dead serious. WTF is the matter with this woman?

“I. Hate. Beach. Parties,” Kate bitches while they’re getting ready. On the beach, Logan tells everybody to put their smiles on.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you smile, Kate,” Logan busts her out. The only time she ever smiles is when she’s cracking a joke at the expense of the guests who are paying her salary. She’s just a bitch.

I was really disturbed by the fact that Kate and Kat and Logan sat on their asses after the beach party instead of sending one of the girls back to help Amy prep for the birthday party. They decide to grill the scallops for themselves ashore and let Amy handle things on her own on the boat.

Kate thinks it’s a “perk” of her job to eat the guests’ food when she supposed to be working. But in truth, they’re understaffed on the boat and Jennice has to be pressed into inside service while Kate and Kat are sitting there enjoying the lovely evening ashore.

“If your guests are leaving, you send at least one of those stewardesses over to help accommodate them,” Amy is going 100 mph but it isn’t fast enough. She’s really short-handed on the yacht.

Even Ben thinks it’s bullshit they’re all on the beach. And they’re not even working to tear down the beach party. They’re just sitting there eating and doing nothing. Go Kate! Way to demonstrate leadership and professionalism. Oh wait, we’ve never seen you demonstrate those qualities so it’s no shocker.

Ben is FINALLY bitching to the captain about the fact two of the stews staying on the beach.

“It’s bullshit,” Ben tells him. He thinks Kate’s schedule management sucks and he’s been saying so for a few episodes. Makes me wonder how much of the food timing fuckups have really been his, and how much were ultimately Kate’s fault all along.

Even when they get back to the yacht in the tender, the girls sit there and bullshit. Until the captain catches them and tells them to get their asses moving.

“It’s not my fault that Amy’s struggling,” Kate never takes responsibility for anything. Um, Kate – you’re the boss. Of course it’s your fault. You’re the one who screwed her – intentionally – by sitting on the beach eating scallops and not helping.

“I couldn’t have been more pleased to see Kate telling Kat she has to pack the “Primary Miss” the last morning. Dirty laundry is nobody’s fave, but after the jizz-pillow incident, the job is well assigned. I was sorry for Amy having to help her, and their choice to wear gloves was hilarious. Not a bad idea. Although Kat’s surely touched more disgusting things during her black-outs.

Boring as it was, I’d be remiss not to mention that Kelley and Jennice appeared to be sharing a bunk and are playing kissy face this episode. But the whole romance is so boring that it’s not worth more than this paragraph of review.

When tip time comes, they find out these people they’ve been insulting left them $20k, the biggest tip ever. And we all know they totally don’t deserve it.

“I don’t think this charter was our finest hour by any stretch of the imagination,” Lee says, totally disappointed in the crew.

“These people are paying to be here. We work for them. Everybody prejudges and I don’t know how many times you guys have had it come up and bite you in the ass,” Lee references the movie “Pretty Woman” and the way the bitchy saleswomen treated Julia Roberts when she first walked into their boutique. And how they ended up losing a huge sale because of it.

This is a point I’ve been making since the first episode and I’m glad the captain is finally catching on. Good thing the Ohana was sold BEFORE production even began because nobody would want to cruise with this crew after seeing this show.

Next week, Chef Ben gets upset again when somebody doesn’t like his cooking and starts banging things around in the galley. I used to like this guy but I’m not that impressed anymore. First, he has shitty taste in the women he cheats on his girlfriend with (ahem, Kat) and second, he doesn’t behave like a professional. He needs to take the temper to some therapy before he continues to work on charter boats – or find another career.

As an event planner, I’ve worked with a lot of chefs who could satisfy the guests with gourmet food and push out 75 dinners in a reasonable period. This guy can’t even handle a table for 10, and he lies about what he’s serving and doesn’t give a fuck about it. If it were a real charter boat and not a TV show, his ass would be job hunting.

I’ve just started “Watch What Happens Live” with Kate and Amy and Kelley, and it’s so boring that I feel like I’m watching the show again. Amy just gave up her chance to tell Kate what a bitch she is. At least she could have said “bless her heart” when she was commenting about her boss.

Kate teaching the penis towel fold – and not actually successfully doing it live – was classic. Sorta explains everything about her – FAKE.

Sandy Malone is a reality TV star, expert wedding planner, and internationally-syndicated columnist for Conde Nast's BRIDES and The Huffington Post, in addition to Monsters... read more
Sandy Malone


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