Monsters and Critics columnist Liz Long recaps Married at First Sight, Season 12, Episode 9, Three Little Words, with a little help from a glass of pinot (or two) …
Oh hey guys! How are you? Are you as fired up as me? Did you throw your TV out the window? Do you have any nerves left?
I, for one, am down to one frazzled nerve … and this same little nerve has been tested and TESTED again by Miss Paige and ol’ wittle Chrissy Poo.
Yes, my friends. We have reached the definition of insanity. Paige keeps doing the same thing over and over again (return to a toxic relationship) with the expectation of a different result (love and respect).
But before we get into all that, let’s discuss how two of our couples shared official “I love yous” with each other while Clara ate donuts and Haley shopped for Jake in the misguided attempt to try and change him.
Pour a stiff one–or add some Kaluha to that coffeee–and let’s recap.
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Bri and Vince say “I love you” but Vince still wrestles with insecurities
So Bri and Vince had some cute moments tonight. He’s teaching her five Spanish words a day, he’s buying her little bikes, and she’s taking him dancing! I mean, he DID say he was like King of the Merengue or muchacha, and so naturally, Bri had every reason to believe he would be King of the Salsa too, right?
Vince was visibly uncomfortable as he stiffly danced the salsa in what seemed like a stuffy room that I could even feel the discomfort oozing from my TV.
He took his frustrations out on Bri who was just trying to have a good time, and I felt like any progress they made went out the door. But, hey, they said I love you and I was able to get through Bri’s squeals. So that’s something.
Erik and Virginia also say “I love you” despite Virginia’s self-sabotaging ways
Virginia and Erik also had some cute moments …. playing golf over Mich Ultras … making breakfast over mimosas … and, well, you get the point.
Erik is two work-trips in now, leaving Six from Blossom – I mean Virginia – all to herself and she’s already feeling the loneliness. Oh, honey, we just started and he warned you about this. Might there be a festival you can go to?
They discuss what “love” means to them and it’s clear Virginia has lacked a healthy picture of love growing up as she wistfully stares at Erik, who is discussing how great he felt when he was in love with his ex.
There, there Virginia. No need to run out of fear he won’t love you as much. The man is making you pasta, playing songs he wrote just for you in a Pink Floyd-esque atmosphere, and is telling you he loves you because you bring that color to his life he’s been searching for. Awwww. I think these two will be alright.
Clara has checked out and I don’t blame her
So you know it has been getting on my nerves how Ryan has not so much as pecked Clara. She has been a trooper, entertaining the million questions he has thrown her way, even volleying some questions back to him.
But Clara has now reached the point of being so over it. Ryan gives her a plate full of donuts because donuts are her thing, but he kills the light mood with “what motivates you” talk.
Now don’t get me wrong. There is nothing wrong with these kinds of questions. It’s just there is a time and a place and Ryan is overkill with these questions. Loosen up, man! Have some fun. And for goodness sake … KISS!
Haley and Jake go back and forth … but in new duds
Haley and Jake continue being a mystery. Do they like each other? Hate each other?
Haley all but tells Jake she’s not attracted to him. But, then, the next day she buys him a bunch of blue shirts (I’m guessing in the hope of making him more appealing to her?). Honestly, I found it a rather sad moment. Like she wasn’t buying him the shirts “just to do something nice for him.” She was doing it with the intent of changing him … and he silently knew it.
Jake is having a hard time pushing through the whole “you really don’t do it for me” mentality, and I can’t say I blame him. But they are still giving it a mutual effort, trying to just have more light-hearted conversations, and I’m not too mad at them ….
Chris and Paige – Lord help me
Lord help me, Lord help me. This is MY prayer.
Paige, remember, you’re working my last good nerve here.
And, Paige, I’ve been rooting for you, love. But dang it to heck, what in the actual reset hell happened tonight.
So after Paige tells her girls (at Jake’s pool party) that she met with Chris and the ex, and after they encourage her that he ain’t it for her, she goes “plot twist”! I might meet up with him again because he called another meeting for us.
Um Paige … remember YOU? What about what YOU want? She meets him and is all “Chris what are we doing here.”
Paige. There is no “we”! He doesn’t dictate what you “are doing here.” Listen to that beautiful masked producer who told you “Run Forrrest Run!!!” Okay so she didn’t say that … but you know that’s what she wanted you to do.
And we NEED those producers telling us what to do. Because, Lord, so help me – I haven’t seen an expert in sight! Have you? Even Pastor Dwight called Chris “unstable” tonight and gave Paige the Word, telling her: “A double-minded man is unstable in all his ways.”
Seriously, though. Pastor Dwight has done more in two episodes than the experts who got us in this crap hole in the first place.
But did Paige listen to the producers or Pastor? Nope. Double-minded Chris double-talked the sense right out of her! Suddenly, she went from “Boi bye” to “let’s reset Chris. Hi, I’m Paige. It’s nice to meet you.”
Of course, Chris has now disowned his friend/Pastor Dwight for not doing the things Chris wants him to do and I could go on and on about all the red flags that scream narcissistic behavior but it all feels useless.
My efforts can be better used to drink some wine, mimosas, or Mich Ultras.
Virginia-Six, what do you have on file, love?
Your girl needs one.
Next week, Dr. Viviana shows up! Oh hey there, Dr. V! We see Clara letting it all loose saying “how could sex improve? Well we could have it to begin with.”
Chris and Paige are doing the same ol’ song and dance, and please someone call a nurse. Because that little nerve of mine has either officially died or I am comfortably numb from Erik’s music and black-lights … either way, I feel nothing. And maybe that’s a good thing.
Til’ next week, folks.
Married at First Sight airs on Wednesdays at 8/7c on Lifetime.
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