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Below Deck Mediterranean recap: The everybody is tattling on everybody else edition

Malia proves she’s not jealous of Hannah and Adam by kissing Wes

It’s a bit like third grade on Below Deck Mediterranean this week.

Adam is tattling on Malia to Wes.

Bugsy is tattling on Hannah to Captain Sandy. And to Bobby about Wes and Malia.

And before the season is over, somebody is going to be tattling on Bobby, too.

Would you please please grow up? Jeez!

So when we ended last week, Hannah was trying to help Adam make Malia jealous.

She hangs all over him in the bar, and plants a kiss on him. He offers to walk her back to the boat.

But she’s wasted, and we all know what going back to the boat could lead to.

Malia is just horrified that Adam is sucking up to Hannah.

And with that blow to her ego, she makes her decision about which man she wants to be with.

She dives for Wes’s tonsils.

Back at the boat, Hannah and Adam hit the bar.

She’s flirting hardcore, but Adam’s being a gentleman.

“I want to put her to bed, not take her to bed,” Adam says, when he gets the option.

Adam and Hannah have buried the hatchet

She’s falling everywhere, just sloppy, sloppy drunk, and Adam sends her to bed, alone.

Malia and Adam exchange words again, and then Wes comforts Malia. With his tongue.

Excellent management style.

Bugsy ends up sleeping in the crew mess because Wes is in her upper bunk hooking up with Malia.

Actually, she sorta offers the room up to them, but then plays the victim when Bobby sees her.

“Have you seen the movement going on in my cabin?” Bugsy asks.

“That is why, plain and simple, she got the position,” Bobby says.

Bobby shames Wes out of Malia’s bunk

And he goes and tells Wes he’s behaving unprofessionally. Wes jumps out of Malia’s bed, and Bugsy gets to sleep in her own bunk.

The next morning, Bugsy jumps out of bed and goes to the galley to throw Hannah under the bus.

“I’m done with Hannah’s management skills. Just nothing runs smoothly, ya know?” Bugsy tells Captain Sandy.

Captain Sandy’s face when Bugsy tells her she thinks Hannah is a lousy boss

She tells the captain Hannah hasn’t set one table the entire season.

“So you’re not feeling supported, and you’re doing all the work?” Captain Sandy mirrors her complaints. It’s hilarious!

The captain suggests a sit down with the Chief Stew, but Bugsy doesn’t see the point with only one charter left.

“I just never should have taken the second stew position,” Bugsy says.

Bugsy never should have accepted a second stew position after being a boss

We’ve all been saying that all season, as she whined, b***hed and moaned about Hannah.

Bugsy tries to get Lauren to raise hell about Hannah, too.

But Lauren shows unusual brains (for her) and stays well out of the fray.

Bugsy asks to talk to Hannah before the charter.

“I’m feeling extremely frustrated about the season… I feel you’ve been a lousy chief stew,” Bugsy says.

“I was really enjoying working with you in the beginning and I don’t know what’s happened,” Bugsy tells her boss.

“Yes, you do,” Hannah refers to the fact Bugsy destroyed her trust with the whole iPadGate scandal early in the season.

All of a sudden, halfway through her complaints, Bugsy switches her tone – like she’s chickening out – and suggests they should “knock it out of the park” for the last charter.

Bugsy calls Hannah a bad Chief Stew right before the new guests arrive

Hannah pretty much lets Bugsy know that she doesn’t give a flying f**k what Bugsy thinks of her performance. As long as the guests and the captain are happy, Hannah’s fine.

But Hannah goes and asks Captain Sandy if she can do late shifts on this charter to give Bugs a break.

Captain Sandy tells her what a great manager she is.

Take that, Bugsy! Bahaha!

“I don’t care what shift Hannah’s on. She just needs to work on that shift,” Bugsy says, not at all mollified by getting off the late shift. Nothing short of seeing Hannah fired and herself promoted would make her happy.

Everybody is trying to work things out before the guests arrive.

Malia takes Max and Bobby aside for a chat.

“I want to be known first as a deckhand, second as a girl,” Malia says.

Malia tries to work things out with deckhands Bobby and Max

She’s trying to make peace with Bobby and Max.

Bobby appreciates the effort, and says his problem isn’t really with Malia.

The captain calls a preference meeting for their last charter. Primary charter guest Jerry is a repeat charter client.

Bobby tells the captain that the guest was a pain the a** last time.

But he’s in for some fun himself.

“I matched on Tinder with the charter guest whose coming!” Bobby laughs.

Bobby matched on Tinder with charter guest Paula

“I don’t think there’s anything real about the girl. Including her nose, her lips, whatever,” Lauren opines, looking at guest Paula’s Instagram.

The fun starts as soon as they board.

“You’re the captain? Not what I was expecting. But even better!” primary guest Jerry says when he meets Sandy.

He and his friend Dean, a former football player, have brought a bunch of random women along.

The girls look far more into each other than their hosts.

They’re all hammered, and one of the guests misses her chair at lunch. It’s sorta ridiculous.

A lovely lunch is served, but one of the classy ladies wants a chocolate milkshake and peanut butter toast.

Jerry calls this girl “princess” in the creepiest way.

Primary charter Jerry calls this girl “princess” and asks her to sip her shake with another girl

“I want to see you guys both sip out of the straw at the same time,” Jerry says, when the shake arrives.

And they do it.

“These women, they’re just here to party on a yacht and take lots of selfies,” Lauren says.

Bobby tells Jerry he matched with Paula on a dating website, and Jerry wants to set up a surprise Tinder date on deck.

“We’ll see if you can close the deal this time,” Jerry taunts. Last year, he tried to get Bobby into all kinds of trouble.

Before dinner, Bobby and Paula share a drink on the aft deck.

“This is Bobby, you matched on Tinder,” Jerry introduces the deckhand. “And if this is a hit, Captain Sandy can marry you right here on the boat.”

Bobby has a Tinder date with charter guest Paula

Everybody’s peeping at them through the window.

Bobby delivers her back to the other guests for dinner.

“Did he take you for a tour of the crew cabin?” Jerry asks. Such a perv.

His lady guests think he’s a perv, too.

“He’s like so obsessed with me,” the girl Jerry calls “princess” tells her friends. #Ick

It’s creepy obvious that these women do not know the men hosting their trip

Bobby gets an invite to the guest’s cabin late night, and Bugsy has an opinion on it.

“I would feel like a big hypocrite if I let this slide with Bobby but not with Hannah,” Bugsy says.

“She is testing me,” Bobby says.

Poor Bobby is DYING.

“At this moment, I really would like to do some unprofessional things,” Bobby says.

But he doesn’t. He goes to Paula’s room and wishes her a good night, and goes back to his cabin, probably for a cold shower.

The next day, he takes guest Paula on a jet ski ride.

And they end up making out on the jet ski. That’s professional! Bahaha!

Bobby makes out with charter guest Paula on a jet ski

Naughty naughty! After he gave Hannah such a hard time about Jason.

Paula is late returning to the yacht for lunch.

“She’s probably already eaten, on the sea. Bobby’s face,” Bugsy snarks. She is just all class.

Meanwhile, Adam is feeling super emotional about the whole Malia situation.

Really, you’d think that they’d been dating for months, not the few weeks since they met in training before the charter season began.

Adam tells Hannah that Malia’s been texting Adam the same nights she’s hooking up with Wes, “talking about the future and I miss you.”

“I was the one sneaking around the corners giving her kisses too,” Adam says.

He tells Hannah he’s going to show the text messages to Wes.

He wants to put an end to Malia’s charade.

“I have a little bit of an obligation at this point to make sure he knows,” Adam says.

An obligation? That’s laughable. You do have ammunition, but no “obligation” to use it.

He goes to Wes and tells him he wishes him the best. But that he needs to know the girl is a “f**king liar.”

Adam decides he has an obligation to show Malia’s text messages to Wes

And then he gives the phone to Wes so he can see the timestamps on the texts himself.

Next week, Adam tells Wes that he had a “physical” relationship with Malia. And Bobby crosses a line with his Tinder-date charter guest.

Things we’re left wondering

Where did the primary charter guest find these random women?

Does Adam realize that he looks like the ultimate bitter ex, running around trying to convince Wes not to trust Malia?

What is Bugsy thinking going after Hannah (badly) so close to the end of the charter season? They have one charter left, and theoretically, she wants to have references from Hannah and Captain Sandy. Hannah is still her boss, even if Bugsy doesn’t like it.

Below Deck Mediterranean airs Tuesdays at 9/8c on Bravo.

Sandy Malone is a reality TV star, expert wedding planner, and internationally-syndicated columnist for Conde Nast's BRIDES and The Huffington Post, in addition to Monsters... read more
Sandy Malone

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