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‘Below Deck’ Ep 1: More Foam, Bosun! Recap

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All I can say about the new crew working on mega-yacht Eros for BravoTV’s new season of “Below Deck” is OH. MY. GOD.

They are so lucky the first charter guest is a drunk-ass whack job because the crew is already at war, whether or not the Captain is aware of it. It seems like, despite his claim that he chose this new crew, Captain Lee is oblivious of the hot mess going on underneath the bridge.

Let’s intro the crew – new and old – for you. From my perspective, as somebody who has been blogging this show since Season One.

Captain Lee is back, of course. But he’s not the man we all thought he was Season One. Read some of his blogs. I’m surprised the ego fits on the bridge. Seriously. I mean, I thought he was a good guy the first season. Last season, I thought he was in a tough spot. This season, I realize the truth – he’s just on this boat as Captain for TV!!! Thank God I don’t own the boat and it’s a good thing that the network has to pay for the insurance.

Eddie is back as Bosun, and he’s supposed to be in charge. We actually see some of the crew we NEVER see (Dan, for example) because Eddie’s got a shitty deck crew from Day One.

Don thinks he’s the engineer and too good to work on the deck or take orders from Eddie. That’s going to be a problem since Captain Lee definitely told Eddie he’s in charge of Don.

“I came on this boat for my skillset in the engine room, not my deckhand skills,” Don says. He’s in for a reality check. And not a nice one.

“If I’m not 100 percent passionate about it, I don’t do it,” Don says. Oh boy. Poor Eddie.

And then there’s Connie, who wants us to know she’s not a lesbian. Thanks for that info. I didn’t think she was a lesbian, just a big ‘ole redneck.

She’ll strip for a man who tells her to “get in the truck” and “let’s go kill a gator.” Classy. I think they decided to have another female deckhand cuz of the drama last season with whats-her-face (forgettable) and Amy’s brother the hottie.

Connie wants to know if she can clean the boat in her bikini. Classy again. Ugh.

Emile is a 23-year-old South African with very little experience and raging hormones. If he doesn’t do Rocky on camera before the end of the season, I’ll be shocked.

Oh, and Rocky. Technically, Raquel (named after Raquel Welch with sisters named after Brigitte Bardot, etc…. generally from a cultured background, right?) is the third stew on the boat, but she makes it clear to everybody, except who hired her, that she wants to be the chef, not the maid. She’s supposed to be everywhere except where she wants to be.

And Emile and Rocky are already flirting.

“Yes I want to come to your cabin,” she says in an impression of his South African accent.

“I like my coffee like I like my women – blonde with low self-esteem,” Emile says. I hate him already. What a pig!

Poor Kate (and I don’t really mean that because I hate her) has her hands full with Rocky.

Rocky tells the chef she’s his assistant, but Kate gives her a much-needed reality check. She’s a maid.

“I hope you don’t mind,” Kate is kind but firm. She uses her “I’m not fucking around” voice.

“I’ve never been just a stew, mainly it’s just cooking…” Rocky explains. Bahaha!

“I have checklists for everything,” Kate lets her know she won’t get away with hanging in the galley.

“I don’t have a ton of experience ironing and doing laundry,” Rocky confesses.

“This is a giant red flag for me…” Kate says. Apparently, laundry is one of the easier, low-maintenance jobs stews face. “So now you’re a stew, cook, and deckhand?” I don’t envy Kate but I look forward to watching her try to manage this chick. Props to whoever hired her just to entertain us.

But it gets even better, and the damned boat hasn’t even left the dock.

“The guys have the most fun job, they’re like hanging off the side of the boat,” Rocky gushes. “I want to be outside. I would love to be Eddie… it’s like where does Raquel fit on the boat?”

Reality check, Raquel. You’re third stew. You’re the lowest chamber maid on the totem pole. If anybody has to fold their skivvies, it’s you. Get it?

“I’m super excited to work under Captain Lee because there’s not going to be any sexual tension there,” Rocky says. Poor Lee. He’s the only man on the boat that Rocky wouldn’t have sex with – that’s gotta hurt.

Amy is back and while Kate hated her last season, she’s gonna love her this season because she’s the only other stew on the yacht with a clue. And she flat out tells her that when they’re inspecting cabins.

Personally, I love Amy. She always has a good attitude and game face in front of the guests, regardless of what’s going down. She’s meant for the tourism industry. Julie-the-Cruise-Director from “Love Boat” comes to mind.

Leon the chef seems cool, and unlike Ben, he can put the food on the dinner table in under four hours. But we know he’s not going to last the season because of the teasers at the end that show Ben will be back. That’s a shame.

Kate starts out by explaining the facts of life to Chef Leon, as they apply to newbie Rocky.

“And by the way, I just don’t want you or Raquel to be under the impression that she is a stew/cook on this boat. She might try to help you out more than I can afford to have her help you out,” Kate is direct. As in, that bitch belongs to me. Kate is right.

Leon’s rooming with Kate, which could explain why he leaves early. He’s not excited about it and wants to know if she’s a slob. And he wants two pillows. Kate feels very put-upon. How dare he? But they’re staying in a guest room, not a crew room. What’s up with that?

Quick note – there’s no reason for all the co-ed rooms on this yacht. And no, that’s not normal in a yachtie world. Only when absolutely necessary. Clearly set up this way on “Below Deck” for drama. It’ll work. But it’s not true-to-life about what goes on below deck on real yachts.

Don and Connie – two obvious potential problem children – are old friends of Kate’s. Did the production company 51 Minds let Kate Chastain cast this season? Bad call. Unless, of course, it’s because they know it’s going to be a hot mess and mad drama for the viewers.

You guys had an open casting call and this is the best you could do? Inquiring minds want to know. Crazy thing is that these charter guests are ACTUALLY PAYING for these charters they’re filming for the show. Bet ya didn’t know that.

The first guests are due to arrive for a charter less than 24 hours after the crew arrives on the beautiful boat that is the victim for this season’s “Below Deck.”

“I think it’s going to be a great test for how our crew runs as a team,” Eddie says. Spoiler alert, Eddie – it’s not a good team.

Captain Lee sits the crew down for a chat.

“I’m generally not difficult to get along with as long as everybody does their job,” Lee tells them. That’s cuz he never comes out of his quarters when the shit is hitting the fan. Unless, of course, he’s tearing a pylon off a dock.

“Drinking on charter… we don’t,” Lee tells them. Good luck with this group of idiots. Why don’t they hire REAL yachties for this show?

“Don’t embarrass yourself, don’t embarrass the boat,” Captain Lee talks to the girls specifically. Obviously, he’s got concerns about some of his newbies. He should. Good call Lee!

They sit down to review the arriving charter guests. As usual, Kate’s a snarky bitch. Although she does better faking it in front of the guests this season than she did last time.

“They want a foam party with blinky lights,” Captain Lee says with a straight face.

“A rave party,” Kate groans. “Foam parties should probably just stay where they belong – in 1997.” Of course, if they tip well, she’ll take back everything nasty she’s said.

The funny thing is she pegs the guy for a champagne drinker and at least that’s easy to pour… and then we see her serving mojitos left and right! #karma

Tell us, Kate. Are they terrorists or assholes? Cuz that’s how you classified people who drink mojitos last season. At least she remembered to order the mint this time. They’re from Mexico – they can tell if you fuck up a mojito.

Steven Bradley is primary guest and it’s clear from the beginning that he’s going to be hammered the whole trip. Apparently his guests are a combo of friends and employees, and he’s even embarrassing some of them.

They’re sailing the Bahamas this season, and apparently, Aerosmith is somewhere in the area. The guests want to find Aerosmith.

“Aerosmith? That’s so 1990s,” Kate says when she finds out they’d like to see them. Does she even know who Steven Tyler is? Bust out your Google or Wikipedia, Kate. You can handle that much.

“Steve looks wild, he looks crazy. I hope I have that much energy when I’m 58,” Eddie says. He has no idea.

The boat gets underway and the problems start.

“We’re going to find Aerosmith… why wouldn’t he want to come?” Kate doesn’t even know who is in that band. Ay dios mio. The guy’s name is not Aerosmith. That’s the name of the band.

Chef Leon’s food looks amazing. And it looks like he can crank it out faster than Ben and with far less drama. The guests are psyched about the food and there are no complaints. Must burn Ben to watch it. Meanwhile, instead of playing stew, Rocky is eating her way through the kitchen and flirting with the chef who looks mildly annoyed.

Once again, Kate is on the hunt for somebody who can afford a yacht… and her.

“I have respect for Steve… tuxedo jacket when he’s jet skiing… Steve might be my spirit animal, he’s clearly an animal,” Kate says.

Give it up, honey. All the Botox in the world can’t hide that you’re 10 years older than Steve’s girlfriend. And he’s sooo not interested in you unless you have alcohol in your hand. For him. Preferably a mojito. ROFL.

New engineer Don is hanging out in the kitchen with Rocky (where she’s not supposed to be) when Eddie needs him on deck.

When they’re pulling the jet skis out of the water, Eddie and Don get into it.

“On the deck, I’m your boss,” Eddie explains the facts of life to Don. “If I tell you to do something, I don’t expect you to question me. I expect you to do it.” Good luck.

“I got hired on this boat because of my engineering skills, not to be bossed around,” Don bitches. Where is Captain Lee when this crap goes down? He’s the one who supposedly selected his crew, right?

“On the deck, I am your boss,” Eddie reiterates. Don just ignores him. He has no intention of listening to Eddie.

And the shit show between them continues all day.

“Don’t tell me to go talk to somebody… I’m your boss,” Eddie tells Don. “When you’re working the deck, I’m your boss.”

Then he starts bitching to Kate thinking she’ll get it. She doesn’t. Why? Because Don is an old buddy of hers. Anybody wanna takes bets on whether they’ve slept together?

“He comes onto a new boat and expects to say no to a direct order,” Eddie says. “I immediately got a real look at who Don is.”

“Let him do his engineering job,” Kate gets in Eddie’s face. Payback is a bitch, Kate. Wait til your staff starts acting up.

“I kinda sometimes feel like I’m the mom of the boat…” Kate complains. I’m guessing that’s cuz she’s old enough to be the mom of some of them. Or she just looks like it. Am glad to see she’s making more effort with her hair this season. Let’s see if that lasts beyond one episode.

Meanwhile, new deckhand Emile is not focused on his job.

“I love having pretty girls around. And I love having attention,” he says.

“Do you have a boyfriend?” Emile asks Rocky. No, she doesn’t. Oh shit.

The main charter guest is a drunken idiot who wants a foam party on a boat deck, but the wind is blowing and the bubbles are going out to sea. I hope they’re biodegradable.

“You’re going to have so much fun tonight – you’re basically dancing in foam,” Amy says to the guests. She’s trying to get them excited because the only one who wants a foam party is their host, Steve.

“Is there any way we can turn vodka into water for Steve?” a guest asks Kate.

Steve keeps ordering mojitos and I can’t stop laughing. Is he still your spirit animal, Kate? Or is he a terrorist now?

Frankly, the guests look uncomfortable with their host’s behavior.

Kate actually appreciates Amy’s positivity during the stupid foam party because the only person dancing in the foam is Steve.

Rocky goes down to dance with Steve because none of his guests will.

“If he wants to get a little touchy feely, I can deal with that.” Rocky is a slut. She’ll do anything for a tip and she just made that perfectly clear. Her parents must be SOOO proud. Clearly, Rocky is the new Kat. Let’s hope she’s more careful about spooge on the throw pillows than her predecessor.

Kat, by the way, can’t get hired onto any boat anymore because she acted like such a drunken whore two seasons in a row on “Below Deck.” She’s a bartender in her hometown of Newport, Rhode Island, now, living off mommy and daddy. Serves her right. Maybe they can teach her some manners this time around.

The next morning, new crew Rocky and Emile do the dumbest thing they could possibly do – they climb to the top of the boat to take pictures next to the radar and antennas. For those you who don’t know, this is not an area for playing on a multi-million dollar yacht. Huge no-no.

By the way, dancing next to the radar can irradiate your ovaries. But in Rocky’s case, that could be a favor to the rest of us.

The shit hits fan, but not the radar.

“You’ve got crew on the mast at the radars,” Eddie tells Lee over the radio.

“Goddammit,” Captain Lee says. But no sympathy for him because he hand-picked this crew, right?

Even Kate is horrified.

“I’ve never heard of anything like this in yachting happening ever,” Kate says.

“They could very easily fall off the boat and die,” Eddie says. “Nobody will find you.” Not sure that’s a bad thing but the network probably can’t let that actually happen. Fall, yes. Drown, no.

The show wraps up there so they have LOTS of time to show the teasers for the rest of the season. I was not impressed.

We see them lighting off Asian fire lanterns from the boat.

First, that’s a huge fire hazard because half the time they don’t light and fly properly – look up “Asian Lantern Fails” on YouTube and laugh your ass off. But seriously, not safe on a boat. Half the time they don’t launch. They start fires.

Second, those Asian fire lanterns are REALLY bad for the environment. Anything made by Chinese six year olds that has a fuel cell cannot be good for the endangered turtles and other species in the Bahamian waters. I wonder if they’re illegal there. They’re totally illegal in Puerto Rico for just those reasons.

Flash-forward to later in the season and we see Chef Ben back in the kitchen. And then a fire in the galley. Did Leon run away to save his reputation?

Best teaser ever, though… Rocky locks herself in her room like a nutjob, then strips down to her undies and jumps overboard. Let’s hope they don’t throw her a life buoy.

Next week should be even more interesting. I won’t miss it.

Sandy Malone is a reality TV star, expert wedding planner, and internationally-syndicated columnist for Conde Nast's BRIDES and The Huffington Post, in addition to Monsters... read more
Sandy Malone

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