Tonight! Victoria says that Madison does something “disgusting.”
In other Spiderman Accusing Spiderman news, Peter is all of a sudden “in love with three women right now.” K.
We will have a Very Special Guest at the liveblog tonight, in the form of Actual Pilot Husband Josh The Pilot. In the name of pre-liveblog research, I asked Josh if any of the other pilots were dissecting Peter’s adventures in his aviation discussion groups.
ME: It seems like this would be a hot topic.
JOSH THE PILOT: …no
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JOSH THE PILOT: Admitting you watch The Bachelor means you have to instantly hand over your man card.
ME: But maybe their wives are talking about it?
JOSH THE PILOT: We don’t talk about what our wives are talking about on the pilot groups. That’s the point of the pilot groups.
So I will incorporate Josh The Pilot’s reactions to his very first The Bachelor episode here, although for important professional reasons I need you to understand that he’s not actually watching it.
Liveblog starts now. Josh The Pilot has Things to Say about the preview featuring all these women and Madison’s jumpsuit:
-“That’s a nice Gulfstream (an airplane) in the background there.”
THAT IS BEING A PILOT WIFE.
Madison tells Pete if he sleeps with someone else, it’s…. going to…. I can’t figure out what she’s saying between all the “likes” and “justs” and the “….”s.
Doesn’t drop the V card on him, though.
-Peter finally says something about being clear. His brother pilot shouts “THANK YOU” at the TV. Pilots dislike un-clearness, and, in Peter’s case, Madison being sad. Because he “feels like (she’s) sad right now.” I wonder if it’s all the putting of his penis into various women several nights in succession right before he potentially asks her to marry him.
-I’m really excited about the end revelation of this episode because that’s when our Crock Pot dinner will be done and I used extra Parmesean and it’s going to be amazing.
-Peter has a fake Austrailian accent and he really, really shouldn’t.
-Peter also has a shirt with little pictures of flamingos on it and he really, really shouldn’t.
-ALSO also, Peter has a black wheely bag with a metal frame. Josh confirms that this is his airline bag. I’ll allow Peter keep it.
-Madison and Hannah Ann are attempting to make conversation and if you’re wondering why we introverts haaaaaate small talk, it’s because it all feels like this to us.
-Victoria indicates that her hometown date was just peachy, apparently rating it on a scale of one to “ends in mass murder.”
-But it’s okay, because Peter and his Australian accent are here. This is just spiraling into a rolling Chernobyl of a social situation.
-Peter and Hannah Ann are on jet skis. Peter has added the whole Douche on Spring Break in Panama City accessory set.
-Somebody did a great job of miking the ocean because they’re trying to have this big emotional conversation and I’m just like “I…. have to pee.”
-When Peter says he’s “falling in love with Hannah Ann, I really mean that.” Really really.
-Marriage collider Victoria is rolling with not just a cross necklace, but the whole crucifix.
-Humera is taken by injection. Is Humera for chlamydia flareups? Because if so, spot-on cast specific programming.
-“OBGYN” is currently trending on Twitter. That can’t be a coincidence.
-Hannah Ann is wearing a set of pink curtains but one is a full drape and one is a cafe panel but at least the drape part is covering her backside.
-Josh The Pilot is so enthralled by whatever they’re talking about that he is scrolling through his phone and showing me various pictures of puppies. I need the cleansing.
-You know what’s weirder than knowing your intended husband is banging two other chicks? Talking to one of the other chicks he’s banging about how he’s banging two other chicks. That’s what’s happening right now with Victoria and Madison.
-Josh just had the same horrifying realization I did last week: “Is this two hours?” Yeah. Two. Hours.
-I just checked my notifications and in my last article I insulted pretty much two-thirds of the United States and someone is Very Angry that I cast shade upon…. Meghan Markle.
-There’s a helicopter on the screen, so I have Josh back from the puppies.
-“I love everything about my relationship with Victoria” except for… the communication. Oh.
-Peter has expanded the Douche on Spring Break in Panama City accessory set to include a bracelet.
-Peter suddenly realizes that “today has been going well,” largely because no one has screamed, burst into tears, screeched at him for asking a question, or bolted. Cheers to high bars.
-Victoria wants to Talk About Communication while using “like” every other word.
-A monkey or a bird or a broken crew member wails in the background and the audience nods: “Same.”
--JOSH THE PILOT: What happened to his face? Did he get hurt?
ME: I… guess? I don’t care enough to look it up.
-There are two dishes of ice cream on the table. Josh is very very concerned about this. “What about the ice cream? Aren’t they going to eat it? Are they just going to let it melt?”
-Madison is thinking sadly about Peter sleeping with other women. Josh’s reaction: “I mean I guess the crew waited until the last minute to dish out the ice cream, but then they could at least put it in the freezer. That’s terrible.”
-wait where did Peter get even more bracelets?
-Victoria returns. One of the identical-looking women left calls her “lovey” and another announces, “You look so skinny!” I.. this is every fake conversation in every girl’s high school bathroom ever.
-There’s a commercial for A Quiet Place Part II and it takes place in an apocalyptic dump of a basement where creepy children stare unseeing into the middle distance. I’m so jealous that the people in this movie are there instead of watching these women wander around various hotel balconies.
-An hour and a half in, we finally achieve an actual Australian accent.
Then… they… took it away from me.
-Madison is worried that “Peter and I aren’t on the exact same page right now.” Well, given that he’s boned two other women in the past 48 hours and you’re still hanging in there and told him you didn’t want him to do so, I’d say you’re on different chapters, in different books, in different libraries, in different cities, on different planets, in different galaxies.
-Peter and Madison are climbing a really high building and they’re wearing grey jumpsuits with harnesses, which is about as romantic as those sumo wrestling suits. I suppose this is to compensate for the extra pixels Madison got on the hometown date in Auburn.
-Victoria has Some Things to Say about morals and values. Jesus is nowhere to be seen.
-I want 30 minutes of uninterrupted kangaroo footage instead of whatever is about to happen
-Madison and Peter walk into dinner, where there are real, actual candles. Australia springs for the actual wax, ABC.
-Her eyelashes are up to her eyebrows and now I’m wondering if the real candles were in fact a good idea.
-Madison drops the V-bomb on Peter and his eyes fill up with tears because he’s now realizing there will be no trifecta down under.
-But but Peter “respects that” though.
-I don’t think Josh has ever been as mad at me as he is right now for exposing him to this for the past 1.75 hours of his life.
--PETER: “I have been intimate, and I can’t lie about that.”
JOSH THE PILOT: Well, I give him credit for being honest.
ME: He HAS to be honest, because he did the other two with cameras in the room AND ALSO SCREWED THE BACHELORETTE FOUR TIMES IN A WINDMILL ON INTERNATIONAL TELEVISION
-Two kangaroos look on in horror.
--PETER: I’m sorry.
JOSH THE PILOT: “I’m sorry I screwed two other girls.”
ME: No, he’s not.
-Peter says to Madison, “Don’t walk away… do not walk away. Please don’t.” He’s had his cake, and he also wants to nope I’m not finishing that sentence.
-Wait, is she--leaving? Without even saying she’s leaving?
-I guess she’s leaving.
-Preview for next week. Peter is “so emotionally drained right now.” He’s been conducting these past few days without protein and electrolytes? You’re no amateur, Peter, with or without a windmill. I expected better from you.
-Peter is distracted by a monkey and Victoria rushes up to him and AUGH, he’s scared! “Why did I just get scared?” he yells. Well.
-Chicken’s done. Gone.
The Bachelor next airs on Monday, March 2 at 8/7c on ABC.