Monsters and Critics columnist Liz Long recaps Bachelor in Paradise, Season 7, Episode 6, Week 4, Part 1, with a little help from a glass of pinot (or two) …
Oh, my dear friends. Where to begin. I don’t know about you, but for the past few hours, I’ve been playing a fun little game of “let’s see how quickly Brendan Morais’ Instagram followers drop.”
For the record, when last night’s Bachelor in Paradise episode ended – his account was at 343K followers … it now sits at … hang on, let me refresh … 311k. For a total loss thus far of 32k followers.
In case you were wondering, yes, I have no life. My job here is to write recaps, and so recap, I must!
Why is Brendan’s IG account plummeting faster than Bitcoin today, you ask? Well, in case you didn’t get the memo … Brendan and Pieper are the definitions of “wrong reasons” when it comes to Bachelor in Paradise.
And they don’t seem like they are ashamed to admit it.
Pour a pina colada. And let’s recap the evidence, my loves.
Exhibit #1: Brendan and Pieper can’t get their story straight
Poor little Natasha. This little sweetie in her wide-brimmed inspector gadget hat wasn’t even on my radar … until last night. Now, I hope her IG account soars as evenly as Mr. Morais’s drops (I’m not usually one for such perverse pleasure – but COME ON, Brendan and Pieper. You made it very hard for us to root for you two!)
So back to Inspector Natasha. She uncovered the following smoking gun: Pieper hung out with Brendan TEN times before Paradise — a stark contrast to Brendan’s claim that he only hung with Pieper pre-Paradise a COUPLE of times.
What’s more, everyone noticed how Pieper immediately asked Brendan to go on the date with her, to which Brendan gave a piss-poor performance of “well, that was unexpected!” (I truly think he thought Pieper would wax and wane just a WEE bit more before asking him, but little pig-tailed Pieper just couldn’t contain herself.)
He IS her boyfriend, after all.
This leads us to our second exhibit…
Exhibit #2: Brendan and Pieper can’t even fake it for the cameras
While Brendan tells everyone that Pieper was just a “casual” friend before Paradise, Pieper comes on and full-out declares that Brendan is her boyfriend. She basically is admitting that perhaps she and Brendan just wanted a free vacation on ABC’s dime …
Oh wait, that’s not it … Brendan, how did you try and phrase it again?
“It makes me sad thinking you thought I was downplaying the connection we had … I hope you can trust what we built prior to this … the optics might look weird … but we have to have each other’s back … like being in the position, we want to be in, using this time here and taking advantage of what paradise would promote together.”
Pieper: “Fantastic, fantastic.”
Say, Brendan … what do you mean “what paradise would promote together”? Clue little Lizzie in over here because she thought maybe you were talking about you guys having a plot to grow your IG accounts by simply coming onto Paradise…
Exhibit #3: Brendan and Pieper make it abundantly clear they are chasing an IG following
Aaand, just in case I haven’t completely vomited inside of my mouth yet, we now have Brendan and Pieper flat-out discussing how much their IG followings have grown and how much Pieper is still hoping to get …
In case you didn’t know, Pieper gained 10k followers after an Us Weekly article went out … she was at oh … she’s not quite sure, but roughly 78k before coming to Paradise … and she plans on getting a lot more before she even shows up to Paradise simply based on the word-of-mouth she was getting …
My excitement for these two is just overflowing; I can’t even contain myself.
The People Have Spoken Louder
Now I’m not sure if it was Brendan and Pieper’s casual conversation about their true “plan” for coming to Paradise (Operation act as if we aren’t a couple and come on to gain more followers) or if it was Brendan’s flippant remark that Natasha had “no viable prospects” … but it would appear Bachelor Nation is saying thanks, but no thanks to this pair.
Brendan and Pieper may have spoken – but the people have spoken louder.
Friends, if you were chasing followers, this sure seems like a back-ass way to do it.
Tonight, there looks like there’s gonna be an uprising! The rest of the cast is onto them … and they’re about to ask for a removal.
Off with their heads! Okay, we won’t go that far, my friends. “Off with their following!” is perhaps more appropriate.
Bachelor in Paradise airs Monday and Tuesday nights, 8/7c on ABC.